


Where do we go from here?

by TeachMePatience



Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Mortal Instruments (Movies), The Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare, The Shadowhunter Chronicles - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Angst, Background Lydia Branwell, Bad Parent Maryse Lightwood, Blood and Violence, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Fluff and Angst, Hostage Situations, Hurt Magnus Bane, Hurt/Comfort, Insecure Magnus Bane, Internal Conflict, M/M, Nightmares, POV Alec, Panic Attacks, Pining, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Protective Alec Lightwood, Slow Burn, Sweet Alec Lightwood, Torture, Trials, Violence, Whump
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-21
Updated: 2017-11-21
Packaged: 2018-11-03 02:05:27
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 23
Words: 58,616
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10957416
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TeachMePatience/pseuds/TeachMePatience
Summary: Magnus Bane becomes a shadowhunter prisoner and hostage for his 'crimes' against the Clave. Head of the Institute, Maryse Lightwood tasks her son with guarding this high profile asset.





	1. De-brief

**Author's Note:**

> Long time fanfic reader, first time writer.  
> I really have no idea where this story will go or what will happen...lets take it a chapter at a time.  
> I kind of don't have any idea what I'm doing here or if this is even any good, so let me know what you think.
> 
> I'll probably add more tags the more I write (if I continue), that's if I can figure out how this even works!

Alec turned with the rest of the crowd at the sudden commotion. Whoever was interrupting this mission de-brief had better have a good reason, his mother was in a terrible mood. Two burly-looking men pushed through the large oak doors of the Institute main hall. They appeared to be handling something, or rather someone, roughly. Alec craned his neck in attempt to see more clearly. What poor creature were they unceremoniously dragging into the hall? 

As they drew closer to the front Alec saw that the creature in question was heavily bound. His wrists had been shackled behind his back and he was pulled forward by a metal collar around his neck. The two Shadowhunters, Pangborn and Blackwell, both pushed and pulled him respectively until he was forced on to his knees in front of Maryse Lightwood. 

Alec, being towards the front of the hall could see everything now. Something about the scene left a bad taste in his mouth and his eyes narrowed a little at what he saw in front of him. The man on his knees was in bad condition. His dishevelled hair hung limp over a slightly bloodied face. His lip had been split and he had the beginnings of a painful looking bruise forming around his left eye. 

Alec trailed his gaze to the shackles binding the man’s wrists together and noticed the runes engraved into the metal. This man was a warlock! Alec searched the man’s face and found a mixture of defiance and uncertainty lodged behind his dark eyes. Something about that face was familiar.

Maryse Lightwood stood up and moved in front of her desk eyeing the bound man hungrily. She switched her gaze to the two shadowhunters who had, after all, interrupted her de-brief.

“This had better be important.” Maryse addressed them both with her usual hard stare.  


“We bring you the traitorous Magnus Bane, Ma’am” announced Pangborn with only the slightest hint of fear in his voice. Alec’s eyes widened. That’s why the man looked so familiar. Alec had seen his name on many old case files. Magnus Bane had been a long-time ally and friend of the Clave. That was until Maryse Lightwood made it her business to personally take charge of the New York Institute. Her methods and mannerisms were considered ‘to the point’ with no thought given to any collateral damage. Alec had to admit that he didn’t always agree with her decisions but even he couldn’t deny that she always got what she wanted.  


Blackwell continued, “Magnus Bane. Wanted for treachery, perverting the course of justice, aiding and abetting known felons…shall I go on? We apprehended him whilst he attended another warlock casualty. Unfortunately the other warlock didn’t make it...” Blackwell’s eyes slid to meet Pangwell’s and a small smirk spread across his face. Alec heard a low growl escape the warlock.  


“We thought it best to bring him straight to you Maryse. Of course his magic has been bound but we are fully aware of how dangerous a High Warlock can be” continued Blackwell.

His mother stepped forward and moved towards Magnus. Their eyes locked and Alec started to wonder if there was more to their history than he was aware of. He made a mental note to ask about this when she was in a better mood.  


“The _great_ Magnus Bane. Don’t think I will tread lightly with you, Warlock. I have been waiting to deliver your name to the Clave for quite some time now.” Alec had never seen his mother look quite so determined.  


Magnus shifted uncomfortably in his position but never took his eyes away from Maryse. “There is nothing I can say to you that will help you understand what I did. Just know that I don’t regret it and would do it again.” Magnus finally broke eye contact and lowered his gaze to the floor, “and now I suppose you will bestow upon me whatever questions and tortures you deem appropriate.”

Alec saw his mother straighten her back and crick her neck, a motion he had seen associated with her frustration before. She assumed the usual posture she held when addressing a large crowd, returning her gaze back to her original de-briefing audience.

“The warlock Magnus Bane is to be detained here at the New York Institute for questioning. He will then stand trial for the aforementioned crimes and accept his fate as deemed appropriate by the Clave. I must go to inform them immediately. You have my thanks Pangborn and Blackwell.” She nodded at them curtly and then continued “please find a worthy cell for this warlock and ensure that he is secure.”

She made to leave the room as Pangborn and Backwell began roughly lifting Magnus from the ground. Maryse came to a halt in front of Alec. “There is no one here I trust more than you with something this important. Alec, I would like you to assume guard duty over the prisoner. You are to take him to what will be routine questioning during which time you may take some relief. Am I clear?”  


Alec searched his mother’s face and knew that this was one order he had no hope of avoiding. “I understand” he muttered in reply. Guard duty, even of a prisoner this high profile was always tiresome work. Alec followed Pangborn and Blackwell as they continued to move the prisoner out of the hall and in the direction of the basement cells wincing slightly each time a fist made contact with the warlock’s side.


	2. Warmth and Shivers

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So here we go, chapter two.  
> I am quite enjoying writing this story and have a rough outline of what could happen in the next few chapters.
> 
> Please let me know what you think as, like I said, I've never really had a go at anything like this before.  
> Happy reading.

The long hall of basement isolation cells were dark, damp and torturously lonely, or so Alec thought. Heaven knows how he’d cope if he ever found himself on the other side of the door he currently guarded. Not that that would ever happen. These pitiful cells were created for containing downworlders in their various forms. 

He swayed on his feet slightly and rubbed his hands together for warmth. He was starting to feel a dull ache in his legs from standing in one position so long. He contemplated using his endurance rune but thought better of it. Now that Alec’s eyes had adjusted to the lack of light he could see the various runes and ward marks etched into the cell door. 

This was his sixth hour of watch over the warlock and he was yet to see the prisoner since Blackwell and Pangborn delivered him to his cell this morning. Only occasionally had he heard a clank of metal and a movement of chains from behind the overbearing door. Alec had no great love for warlock kind for they had caused his people many upsets and something about their fondness of trickery made him feel uneasy around them. He shook his head and wondered if this was his mother’s influence – they had never personally caused him any harm.

The sound of footsteps approaching the hall security door pulled Alec from his thoughts. On approaching the door he pulled open the small communication window and met the familiar eyes and smirk of his parabatai. Alec closed the window and used his stele to draw the rune required to open the door.

“Dammit! I bet Izzy you’d forget which rune opened the door. All this cloak and dagger password changing hurts my head. I mean I know he’s a high warlock but do they really need to change it every day?” 

Jace’s golden appearance looked slightly muted down here in the gloomy light. He stood holding a bowl of something that looked pretty unappetizing and a bottle of water.

Alec rolled his eyes. “Give me some credit Jace. I hear you’ve been put on night duty? Guess Mom is taking no chances with outside interference on this one.” Alec took the bowl and water from Jace eyeing it with distaste.

“Yeah” Jace replied. “It’s not so bad. Quite quiet really. You’re doing all the heavy lifting this time it seems. That food is the warlock’s daily ration, see that he has it. He’s then needed for questioning in the interrogation room in an hour. I’ll catch you later at shift change.” 

Jace gave Alec’s arm a brotherly pat and headed back in the opposite direction towards the light.  


“Yeah, see ya” Alec muttered to Jace’s distant shape whilst tucking the bottle of water under his arm to re-lock the door. 

This was the worst part of guard duty. Feeding and transporting a prisoner required contact and communication. It was usually painfully awkward or volatile and gave Alec a pit in his stomach. He struggled with most ‘normal’ social interactions, never mind these out-of-the ordinary ones. What do you even say to someone with infinite years of experience and power beyond anything you could ever muster? The warlocks he’d dealt with in the past had always been snarky and very aloof. Alec snapped back to the present and found himself staring at the prisoner’s door. He rolled his eyes at his own musings and heaved a sigh. He moved to push open the heavy door.

What Alec saw inside the cell was so far from the image he had in his head. Magnus’ wrists and arms were outstretched and suspended by chains hanging from the ceiling. His knees were on the hard stone floor and his ankles chained to a metal bolt in the floor. His head hung limply, chin on his chest. Alec thought he resembled a stringed puppet in the most horrifying way. Maryse most likely assuming the role of puppet master in this show. 

He took a forward step at which point the warlock realised there was someone in the room with him and lifted his heavy head. Alec tried to keep his face unreadable. He locked eyes with Magnus and was surprised by what he saw there. Magnus’ face was still as beaten and bloody as when Alec had seen him in the Institute hall, the bruise around his eye was much more prominent now. However it was those dark eyes that caught him. Alec saw no trace of a terrifying warlock in them, just a concerned questioning stare. Magnus’ gaze flickered from Alec to the food and water in his hands and then back to Alec’s face. He seemed to understand why Alec was there and rather softly ventured “Its ok, I don’t bite”.

Alec scoffed in revulsion and the faint hope for any peaceful interaction in the warlocks face disappeared. Magnus returned his eyes to the floor and Alec immediately regretted his response. What was the matter with him? Why did his actions never reflect what he was thinking? 

Alec moved to kneel in front of the warlock taking the lid off the bottle of water and attempted to raise it to his lips. He was surprised to see Magnus move his head back as if to refuse.

Seeing the distress on his face Alec stated in what he hoped was a more amenable tone, “It’s just water. No tricks.” He offered the water again and felt the tiniest sense of achievement when the warlock drank. Dark eyes searched Alec’s until he pulled the water bottle away. Magnus’ face yearned for more but Alec decided it would be best if he didn’t drink it all at once.  


“Thank you.” The warlock’s voice sounded a little more his own now that he had hydrated.  


“Just following orders” was Alec’s stoic reply. He moved to pick up the bowl of ‘food’ containing what he would describe as some kind of hideous porridge/stew hybrid.  


Magnus shifted uncomfortably trying to keep his body weight off his knees. “Regardless, you have my gratitude. You don’t have to be so… _gentle_.” 

His eyes remained on Alec’s face, dark and unfamiliar. Alec felt a surge of pity for the warlock. If Alec’s coldness towards him was to be described as gentle then heaven knows what any previous contact with shadowhunters had been like. Alec didn’t know what to say in return and so said nothing. He brought a spoonful of food up towards the warlock’s lips and he accepted, not even acknowledging how bad it probably tasted. 

“I can feed myself you know.” Magnus stretched open a hand beneath his chains and wiggled his fingers in a mock display of magic. It seems he had decided Alec held no threat of violence. Alec raised a disapproving eyebrow and continued to feed him. He was silently intrigued by the warlock’s attempt at lightening the mood. It was probably a good thing that he couldn’t fully see the sorry state he was in. His clothes were dirty and torn in a few places, blood that had leaked from various wounds on his face had dripped down his neck and dried there.

Magnus ate the rest of the food that Alec gave him in appreciative silence. Their eyes continually searched one another’s, each trying to decipher the other’s true intent. Alec placed the empty bowl onto the floor and allowed Magnus to finish off his ration of water for the day. Once this was done Alec collected the bowl and stood up looking down on his prisoner. His limbs ached. That stone floor was merciless and he had only been kneeling for ten minutes.

Without intending his direct tone of voice had returned. “You are wanted for questioning in an hour. I’ll be escorting you to and from interrogation.” Magnus’ face fell and Alec thought for a brief moment he saw true vulnerability. The pit in his stomach had returned. Against his better judgement Alec had wanted to offer the warlock advice or some useless encouragement for what he would probably go through. His mother always got what she wanted…in the end. Not quite knowing what to say he furrowed his brow and turned to leave the prisoner alone once again.

“ _Wait!_ ”  


Alec turned to face Magnus. Two anxious eyes shone from a face of agony as he continued “Is that it?”  


“What more did you want?”  


Magnus seemed at a loss for something to say, his desperate eyes searching the floor for answers. Had he expected some sort of questioning, or worse from Alec? Was he under the impression that he was anything other than an everyday shadowhunter on guard duty? Alec made a move to leave again when he heard Magnus’ voice somewhat shakily ask “What is your name?”

Alec wasn’t entirely sure of the protocol here. He brushed his hand up through his hair and tried to weigh up his options. The warlock could garner nothing from his name and something inside of Alec, be it pity or compassion, wanted to give this to Magnus. 

“A-Alexander…Alec…I mean. Most people call me Alec” he stuttered. 

He purposefully left out his surname but whether that was for Maryse, Magnus’ or his own benefit he couldn’t decide.  
“Alexander” Magnus repeated, trying out the name for himself.

For the final time Alec turned to leave the cell until his return to deliver Magnus’ for interrogation. Before he left Alec couldn’t help but notice that the tension between the two of them had eased slightly. He was glad that he was responsible for a brief moment of warmth for what the warlock most likely had to come sent a shiver down Alec’s spine.


	3. Vengence

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 3 is here.  
> I found this chapter a little more difficult than the previous two.  
> I hope its ok and fits well.
> 
> Happy reading :)

For the next hour Alec couldn’t escape his thoughts. Something about Magnus’ dark vulnerability called to him. It unsettled him greatly. He had guarded prisoners in the past, some he had loathed and some he had pitied. Never before had Alec associated this feeling of dread with his duties. He barely even knew this warlock and yet he found his mind straying. What had Magnus done that was so traitorous? He didn’t strike him as being particularly evil or terrifying! Perhaps that was all a part of a master manipulation? Then again, maybe Magnus thought that Alec was the master manipulator here? Could there ever be any form of trust between them? Did that even matter?

Alec pinched the bridge of his nose and tried to re-focus. Magus was a prisoner of the clave. He had a job to do. Alec turned to re-enter Magnus’ cell deciding that putting this off would only make things worse. It was time to deliver the warlock to the interrogation room and whatever lay inside it.

Magnus raised his head on seeing Alec but offered no witty greeting this time. Alec moved to release some of the restraints holding the warlock in place and then halted, trying to read Magnus’ thoughts.

“I’ll be on best behaviour, don’t worry” sighed Magnus seeing Alec’s reservation.

Alec knew the runes and shackles binding warlock magic couldn’t be overpowered but there was nothing stopping an attempt at brute force. It had been known to happen, although not too successfully. One by one, Alec released the restricting chains and he carefully eased Magnus’ arms down to his sides. The warlock closed his eyes and winced in pain as he did so but didn’t make a sound. The shackles were still in place around his wrists. Alec took out his stele and drew the ‘bind’ rune on each of them. Magnus’ wrists were pulled together in front of his body as the metal linked together.

Alec thought it a small mercy to allow the warlock a few brief minutes to sit and collect his thoughts, relatively unrestrained. Magnus slowly tried moving muscles that had been forced to remain in a solitary position for hours, only releasing an occasional sharp intake of breath. They both sat on the cell floor waiting for Alec to determine when it was time to move. Magnus lifted his gaze to meet Alec’s. 

“What are they going to do to me?” he asked earnestly. 

“I don’t know” came Alec’s apologetic reply. He knew he should be doing more to school his reactions but something about Magnus striped him bare. Alec felt a knot in his stomach. “Would you really want to know even if I did?”

Magnus repositioned his shackled wrists looking down at them. The flesh there looked raw and painful. “Suppose not” he muttered. He lifted his eyes once again and quietly asked “Will you be there?”

Alec wasn’t sure what the warlock wanted him to say but answered honestly. “No. I don’t have clearance for that. I’ll be escorting you back afterwards though.”

A moment of tense silence followed until Alec stood slowly signalling that it was time for them to go. He carefully placed his hands under the warlock’s elbows and helped him lift himself to his feet. He felt heat rise into his cheeks as he realised this was the first time he’d stood face-to-face with Magnus. He was tall with a muscular frame, despite being a little rough around the edges at this moment in time. He wondered how Magnus might look outside of the institute’s grip. Free from the bonds that held him and relieved of the blood and bruises that covered his skin. 

In silence he led Magnus out of his cell, through the hall security door and turned into an equally oppressive hallway. At the end of the passageway stood a set of large foreboding double doors. On seeing them the knot in Alec’s stomach pulled tighter and he glanced at Magnus’ face. Alec felt something hot bubbling in his throat. Words that needed to come out, needed to be spoken. He lightly grabbed the warlock’s elbow and turned to face him. Alec’s eyes were slightly frantic. He didn’t want to alarm Magnus further but equally couldn’t let him go in so completely unprepared.

Alec scanned the hallway then glanced at the doors in the distance. Against his all of his better judgements he started speaking with a soft aggression. “Whatever they do… _don’t_ let them break you. Whatever they ask for, _don’t_ give it to them. If you have something they need then they’ll keep you alive. _You_ stay in charge. If they break you then they win. They own you and they’ll never let you forget it.”

Magnus’ eyes widened at the unexpected outburst. He searched Alec’s face and his expression softened, touched by his concern. What passed between them non-verbally meant more than anything that could ever be said aloud. “I’ll try” was all that Magnus could manage. Alec nodded and waited for him to decide when to continue down the hall. Magnus heaved a sigh, straightened a little and moved towards the door. Alec followed closely behind and sharply knocked on the door upon reaching it. 

Alec didn’t know who he hoped to see emerge through the door. When it did open however he felt an overwhelming sense of nausea wrack his body. Sebastian Verlac. The solitary person he did not want to be conducting Magnus’ interrogation. His methods were barely legal, even by the clave’s standards. He wondered if this was his mother’s choosing. Alec tried to keep his face neutral and couldn’t bring himself to look in the warlock’s direction. He tried to sound as commanding as possible. “Two hours, that’s all you get. I have to escort the prisoner back to his cell and I don’t want to be late coming off shift.” 

“Oh we can do _plenty_ in two hours” replied Sebastian, his eyes devouring Magnus’ exterior. Licking his lips in anticipation, he roughly grabbed the shoulder of Magnus’ torn shirt and pushed him through the doors. Magnus made no sound and went willingly. The doors closed and Alec was left alone in the deserted hallway.

 

* * * *

 

Alec quickly ascended the institute floors marching back to his room. He quickly changed his t-shirt and pulled on a black hoodie forgetting that the zip was broken. He tried to think of anything to keep his mind away from the idea of Magnus suffering more than he already had. He wondered how he might ease Magnus’ pain following his ‘questioning’. He chose an old t-shirt from one of his drawers and hastily tried to stuff it into his jacket pocket. Then he spotted an empty water bottle on the bedside table and moved to the bathroom to re-fill it at the sink. He wasn’t exactly an expert in healing the mundane way but he was sure that cleaning any wounds would be the sensible thing to do. Interfering with prisoner treatment was strictly prohibited but Alec knew Sebastian was too intent on barbarism to even notice. The only other person that could suspect anything would be the night guard – Jace. Surely he could convince his parabatai to look the other way if he needed. 

He’d known this warlock for a day. One day! Had his magic not been bound Alec would have probably convinced himself that he’d been spelled by now. This is ridiculous! He had to know why Magnus was here and if he deserved the treatment he was receiving. 

He hurried out of his room and found himself stood outside the office of the Head of the Institute, his mother. Alec tried to compose himself, Maryse didn’t react well to someone challenging her authority. He lightly tapped on the door and pushed it open. Maryse sat behind her hardwood desk buried in papers. She seemed pretty pre-occupied which suited Alec. How she got anything done in here he could never understand. He found it almost as dark and overbearing as the downworlder cells. Maryse didn’t lift her head from her work as Alec pushed further into the room. He dropped down onto the leather sofa opposite her.

“What is it Alec?”

“N-nothing really. I’m just on relief from guard duty” he answered honestly. “Interesting choice of interrogator...” Alec tried to sound as casual as possible. He needed to know if his mother had made that call. 

Maryse stopped and looked in her son’s direction. She had always had a sharp edge to her voice. “I am aware that you and Sebastian have a difference of opinion on many things Alec. I needed a job done and he best fit the description”

Alec hummed in reply and hoped his face hadn’t fallen as she’d spoken. “You mind if I ask what he did? I mean... why he is really here?” Maryse raised an eyebrow in disapproval and moved around her desk to sit next to Alec. He hoped his courage didn’t shrink in closer proximity to her. Maryse pushed his dark hair from his forehead and answered coldly.

“Magnus Bane is protecting an asset the clave are very eager to get their hands on. A warlock by the name of Ragnar Fell. Fell was mine… in my custody I mean. I’d already notified the Clave of his arrest. You see, he’d been found with some items that didn’t rightfully belong to him. Items that should be entrusted to the safe keeping of the Clave.”

Alec tried to follow his mother’s story struggling not to look intimidated by her icy exterior. Maryse’s gaze held Alec’s intently as she continued. “Warlock Bane was invited to the institute to assist with some un-important Vampire issue at the time. He used his magic and knowledge of the institute to disappear with Ragnar Fell. He manipulated us all and has been hiding the warlock ever since. We have been trying to get a lock on his position for a while now.”

Slowly Alec began to understand. His mother was nothing if not vengeful. He had no idea who this Ragnar Fell person was, or indeed what he was to Magnus but it seemed that all Magnus was guilty of was protecting one of his own kind. 

Without prompt, his mother continued her wrathful monologue. “Of course the irony is that warlock Fell was due to have a little interview of his own with Sebastian. By hiding him away Magnus Bane has essentially taken his place. I do enjoy poetic justice.” She smiled at Alec and he forced a grimace to return it. ”Of course Verlac will find out where Fell is and soon all of this warlock business can be forgotten.” She waved her hand and got up to return to her work. Alec knew that that last comment was somewhat superficial. Magnus had made Maryse look foolish in front of the clave. She would go to the ends of the earth to ensure that he suffered consequences for that.

Alec stayed in his mother’s office a little while longer attempting to casually discuss other ‘official business’ so that his questions about Magnus didn’t seem so out-of-the-ordinary. On the inside however, he was writhing in discomfort. Magnus’ time with Sebastian was almost up and there was no way Alec would leave him for a single minute longer than required. He left Maryse’s office, throat burning from the casual tone in which his own mother had advocated torture simply to raise her profile with the Clave. Without needing to check his watch he knew it was time to head back to the basement and stomach whatever it was Sebastian had done to Magnus.


	4. Hopeless

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A bit of a bad time ahead for Magnus :(

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry about the longer wait for this chapter. I've been away for the bank holiday.
> 
> This was a bit of a tricky chapter for me to write so please let me know what you think. Super excited for shadowhunters to come back on TV in a week! Can't wait to get these two back on my screen!

Walking back through those intimidating basement hallways made Alec feel nauseous. He pulled his hoodie closer around him. It grew much colder down here in the evenings. He’d never associated the lower level of the institute with any particular emotion before. He had probably only ever felt apathy in relation to what went on down here. A feeling he now felt great shame at. How many downworlders like Magnus had been held, tortured, even killed down here? It filled him with despair that these cold hostile walls might be the last thing someone saw. 

He frowned and tried to disguise his worry when he reached the door of the interrogation room. Verlac was not ready and waiting with his prisoner as he should have been. Dammit! Perhaps Alec hadn’t made himself clear? He banged the door as loudly and with as much authority as he could muster. His stomach gave a final sickening jolt at what he knew he was about to see.

The door opened and Alec was greeted not with Verlac’s familiar sneer but with an unknown face. Confusion spread over him as he tried to register who this man was, or if he should know him. Much older than Verlac. Slightly exotic looking.

“Uh…” It was all Alec managed to get out.

“Oh right…” The stranger rolled his eyes and pulled out his stele. He moved it quickly over a rune on his forearm and like a snake shedding its skin, morphed back into his true form. There was that vicious smirk Alec loathed so much. Verlac had glamoured himself to perform Magnus’ interrogaton but why? As who? As if reading his thoughts Sebastian ventured “I like to think of my interviews as a double-edged sword. What use is physical interrogation without a little emotional manipulation to sweeten things?” Verlac was still smiling menacingly and it took everything Alec had not to wrinkle his face in disgust at his words.

“You were supposed to have him ready to leave” Alec tried for firm impatience again. Sebastian sniggered and pushed the door open indicating that Alec should follow him in.

Alec reluctantly followed Verlac into the room. His resolve shattered once inside. He scanned the room and his eyes struggled with what horror to register first. The room smelled of stagnant water which made sense as almost every inch of it was soaked. Small pools of water had formed on the cold hard floor – where had it all come from? A metal chain hung from the centre of the ceiling with a hook on the end of it. Alec’s eyes travelled to a blood-stained puddle near the far wall shuddering as the chain eerily clanked above him. He swayed on his feet slightly when he saw a long red-stained whip on the floor. It reminded Alec of the one his sister used. He knew the damage that thing could do. There was nothing he could do to school his expression anymore. He turned his head and followed Verlac’s moving silhouette with revulsion burning in his eyes.

Sebastian strolled with his hands behind his back over to a table shrouded in darkness. It looked like one of the tables Alec had seen previously in the morgue. The only difference being that this one had multiple thick leather staps that were holding a broken-looking warlock in place. Alec shifted closer, wanting to help, wanting Magnus to know that he was there.

“Time flies when you’re having fun, eh pet?” Sebastian smiled darkly as he placed a hand on Magnus’ constrained thigh. Alec saw Magnus painfully squeeze his eyes closed at the unwanted contact. 

Magnus had no shirt on. Alec was pretty sure it was in pieces around the room with other lumps of material. The warlock was soaking wet from head to toe. Most of the dried blood had gone from his face which left Alec with a pit in his stomach. He was pretty sure he could work out at least some of what had gone on in this hell hole.

“I’ll be moving the prisoner now” Alec growled. 

He stepped forward and started undoing the restraints around Magnus’ legs. Sebastian eyed him suspiciously. Alec didn’t care if he reported his unease or hostility to his mother. He needed to get the warlock out of this room. Sebastian lowered his gaze back to the warlock’s face and his hand pushed away a lock of hair from Magnus’ black eye. He leaned down so that his lips were next to Magnus’ ear and Alec heard him whisper “until next time.” Sebastian stood back up and slowly sauntered from the room giving Alec a ‘job-done’ nod on his way out.

Alec continued to fumble with the various restraints holding Magnus down. He noticed that the warlock’s eyes had glazed over and he had started violently shivering since Verlac had left. When he unlocked the final strap covering Magnus’ broad chest he stood still, not knowing what to do or say. Would the warlock want him – a shadowhunter – to even touch him?

Hesitantly, Alec placed his fingertips on the warlock’s bicep in attempt to calm his trembling. The warlock flinched at the contact but remained where he was. Magnus hadn’t moved, hadn’t tried to get up. As if speaking to an injured animal Alec softly tried “sshhhh…M-Magnus? It’s ok…you’re ok. It’s me. Its Alec.”

“A-Alexander?”

Something stirred in Magnus’ dark wounded eyes. Magnus held his gaze and Alec felt his heart ache at the pain that he saw there. Could this man ever really trust Alec? He wanted so much to be of some help. 

“C-Can you try to…er…can you try to sit up for me Magnus?” Alec offered his hands out to the warlock, in what he hoped was a non-threatening way. Magnus swallowed and nervously scanned Alec’s face. He lightly took the warlock’s hands, binding shackles still in place on his wrists, and helped him sit up. Magnus grimaced and groaned through the pain as he moved. Alec was glad the warlock had his eyes tightly squeezed and probably missed the look of absolute horror he currently sported. The area Magnus had lifted from was blood-red.

Alec carefully released Magnus’ hands and moved slowly around to inspect his back. The warlock’s broad back was in a pitiful state, covered in deep, raw lashes. They criss-crossed and overlapped covering a huge amount of his flesh. Alec felt completely and utterly useless. His eyes couldn’t register the pain he saw on display in front of him. He circled back to face Magnus again and the warlock lifted his head to look up at Alec’s face.

“How bad is it?” He practically whispered, still shivering.

Alec almost didn’t have the heart to tell him. Maybe if he lied and said that it wasn’t so bad, that he’d seen worse, then it may do something to soothe the warlock. No. He would be truthful. He wouldn’t lie, that was Sebastian’s game. Finally he managed to choke out, “Its pretty bad. It looks really painful.”

“It is.” Magnus replied quietly. His pained eyes hadn’t left Alec’s. What was he looking for? Alec heard a sharp intake of breath as Magnus edged forwards grasping his hand again to allow his feet to touch the cold floor of the room. 

“I didn’t…tell him anything.” Magnus spoke quietly as if he were uncertain of his own words. “You…you said not to break…I didn’t. He got angry, but…I didn’t.”

Alec froze. He searched Magnus’ face again. The pain in his eyes was still there but mixed with something else…hope? Faith? He was following Alec’s advice. Had this downworlder really trusted him with his fate? Did he think Alec had any power or say in what happened to him?

Alec helped Magnus stand, although somewhat shakily and they slowly made their way back to the warlock’s cell. He hadn’t even bothered to use the bind rune on Magnus’ shackles to keep his wrists together. Alec felt Magnus still trembling as they moved along the draughty halls. He knew it would be a cold night down here tonight. Once back inside the cell Alec helped Magnus slowly sit on the floor and then took out the old t-shirt and water bottle he’d stuffed in his pockets. He allowed Magnus to drink a little and then used the remainder to wet the t-shirt. He tried his best to clean some of the gashes on the warlock’s back. Magnus winced in pain a few times and Alec muttered apology after apology. It was all he could do.

“Thank you Alexander.” Magnus’ voice was low but filled with honesty.

“F-for what?”

“You’re kind. You’re considerate…”

“I wish I could do more.” Alec lowered his eyes. Would he even be able to continue carrying out these duties? He was clearly in over his head.

“You’ve got your… orders to follow” Magnus replied sounding a little more defeated.

Alec moved the drenched t-shirt and empty bottle to his side and his eyes wandered half-heartedly to the chains he’d been ordered to secure Magnus back in. It seemed wrong. The warlock was already in so much pain. Magnus turned his head and followed Alec’s gaze upwards. Alec was surprised when the warlock began uncomfortably trying to manoeuvre himself back into his old kneeling position. Alec felt cruel and hated himself for having to chain Magnus back up like an animal but Jace would be arriving soon. He might check on the prisoner in the night. If he wasn’t ‘secure’ then Maryse would hear of it and that would mean suffering for everyone. She’d probably end up accusing the warlock of something even more ridiculous!

“Its ok…” Magnus’ voice was full of sorrow. He slowly tried lifting his arms towards the chains, indicating to Alec that it was ok to restrain him. Once again, Alec found himself stood over the warlock feeling like a monster. He looked up and closed his eyes, his mind in complete turmoil. Decidedly, he pulled off his hoodie and knelt in front of Magnus draping it gently around his shoulders. He delicately pulled each arm through the jacket sleeves and hoped that it still held some of his body heat to quell Magnus’ shivering. The warlock’s eyes filled with gratitude. He offered Alec a small understanding smile and a heart-wrenching “thank you”. Alec cursed himself inwardly for not choosing one with a working zipper. 

Another short moment of peaceful silence passed before Alec awkwardly held out his hand for Magnus’ wrist. Magnus gave it willingly, kneeling up and all too soon the warlock had returned to his puppet-like state. Alec stood over him gazing down at his helpless pained face and moved to pull the hoodie closer around his body in an effort to keep him warm. He stood back up stiffly and knew Jace would be here soon. He had to go.

“Until tomorrow” Magnus muttered, his head already starting to droop.

Alec took a last hurt look at the warlock and turned to leave. He locked up the cell and within minutes his parabatai had arrived to take over. They exchanged a few brief words, however Alec needed to get out of there. Jace, sensing his brother’s unease didn’t keep him but before Alec could leave he quickly called after him.

“Alec… I forgot! Verlac needs your signature on the interrogation papers from today. They are in a file in your room. You need to sign before they can go to Maryse apparently… Alec?”

Alec had heard Jace but didn’t want to process what he’d said. Did he even want to know what Sebastian had done to Magnus? It would all be there, the glamour, the whip, the water, all detailed in his own sickening way. Probably clues as to what he’d try next time. He headed for the security door and runed it open, hoping Jace wouldn’t pick up on his inward distress. Who was he kidding? Of course he’d pick up on it!

Jace frowned and watched his brother leave knowing something down here was seriously bothering him. He decided he’d chalk it up to the fact that it was interrogation day…for now.


	5. In sleep

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter jumps around a little bit, I hope its not to difficult to follow.
> 
> I tried my best to proof read this for any typos but I wrote all in one go and its 5am... I need to sleep!
> 
> As always...leave me some comments to read when I wake up! I love to know what you think.

The next few days had proved to be just as torturous as the first for Alec. He’d found Sebastian’s paperwork where Jace had said it would be. His skin prickled and he felt the hairs rise on the back on his neck. He skimmed through the interrogation notes. It dawned on him that he was developing a greater hatred for Verlac, one that seemed all of a sudden very raw and personal. It seemed that Magnus had something of a torturous history with his own family. Verlac had glamored himself as the warlock’s step-father and sought to repeat a childhood trauma through waterboarding. Without the use of magic, Magnus was helpless. He’d simply had to endure the torture. This was merely item one listed under a heading called ‘interrogation strategies’. 

Alec couldn’t bring himself to read on. He looked at the blank line requiring his signature to state that the ‘subject’ had been alive when he collected him and messily signed it. It left him with a sickening feeling. His signature on the same documents as those vulgar strategies. Alec felt a surge of shame again. He felt that by signing he was condoning the treatment Magnus was receiving. He’d never felt his loyalties divided like this before.

It didn’t help then, when the following morning his parabatai unceremoniously burst into his room. Alec had only been out of bed around ten minutes. His sleep had been unsettling and his dreams tormented by a certain warlock.

“Want to explain to me why the so-called _prisoner_ is wearing your hoodie Alec?” Jace asked accusingly.

Alec heaved a sigh and his defeated appearance seemed to unease Jace a little. “He doesn’t deserve the treatment he’s getting Jace. Don’t look at me like that!” Jace’s eyebrow had raised slightly as if he doubted Alec’s words. “He is a personal vendetta of Mom’s… and if you knew of the things that … Sebastian has done to him. What do you expect me to do? He was hurt…soaking wet…cold. I’m not heartless!”

On seeing his brother’s discomfort Jace’s exterior softened. “I know you’re not heartless Alec. Quite the opposite.” Alec raised his eyes to Jace’s face and offered him a small grateful smile.

“Don’t say anything to Mom?”

“You know I won’t – but Alec, you can’t interfere in prisoner affairs. If you get found out…”

Alec already knew the risks and the trouble he’d be in if he was caught helping a downworlder in shadowhunter custody. At this moment in time though he felt numb to any jeopardy he might face. How could he think about himself? What he faced was but an ember compared to the torturous fires Magnus had to endure.

Jace walked over to where his parabatai was sat on the edge of his unmade bed. He dropped down next to him and as earnestly as he could said “promise me you’ll stop? Just for your own safety Alec. Do your duties, bear it as best you can and that’s it. I can’t let you put yourself in danger like this.”

Alec’s eyes searched his brother’s. He knew Jace had good intentions. He also knew he wouldn’t drop this until Alec agreed so trying his best to look resolved he nodded in agreement. Jace stood up to leave the room, affectionately rustling his parabatai’s unkempt hair as he went, considering the matter dealt with.

* * *

Alec had tried his best to do as Jace had asked. Do his duty…nothing more. He’d tried to keep himself distant from the warlock. Helping him to eat and drink had proved difficult. Something about the act felt oddly intimate. Alec always felt so defenceless in his presence. He was used to hiding himself away from watching eyes and never revealing his true self. Of course Jace could read him better than anyone but even he didn’t know everything. Would he want to know him if he did?

Conversation would draw Alec in. He tried his best to keep withdrawn and detached but his resolve crumbled every time he saw the warlock. He enjoyed their talks, although brief. Magnus never asked anything of Alec. He seemed mostly thankful to be in his company. Magnus’ eyes seemed to lose their dull haze when Alec would come into his cell. Alec would see them replaced with a dark twinkle, something from a past life perhaps? 

He’d already told the warlock too much and knew that if Maryse ever found out there would be serious consequences. He’d explained how there would be three rounds of questioning before Magnus was taken to trial to decide his fate. It was lose/lose really. If Magnus gave up Ragnar Fell he would be deemed a traitor for concealing information and considered a closed case, most likely being sentenced to death at the end of his trial. Something Alec couldn’t bear to think about. If Magnus kept his resolution and gave the clave nothing he’d most likely be imprisoned for the rest of his immortal life, slowly relinquishing any grasp on reality. 

“What are you thinking about?” Magnus’ voice was rough and had lost some of its velvet sheen from when Alec first heard him in the main hall.

“Your options.” Alec had vowed to himself always to be truthful to the warlock. “I can’t see any favourable choices”.

Magnus rolled his neck to the side trying to ease the discomfort there. He’d probably lost feeling in his legs a long time ago. Alec thought he looked tired and seemed to be losing some of the personality he’d caught glimpses of. Magnus stared at Alec, seemingly contemplating what he said next. When he finally spoke his words were full of emotion.

“I don’t deserve to be here, but I am here by my own actions. I know that. I’m not going to pretend to not be…scared…or frightened of…well, you know. You have always been honest with me Alexander, so I will offer you the same courtesy. I…trust you. I was unsure at first, but I don’t think you would hurt me. I-I’m not going to ask you to help me… I might have tried to manipulate your trust at one point in my life, but… not anymore. That would endanger you... and you... you make my punishments…bearable… and bear it I will.”

Alec stared at the warlock, his heart aching at the outpouring. How could he possibly keep himself distant? Alec had secretly wondered if at some point Magnus would ask him to aid an escape or try to help him in some way. Alec had never been good with words. He found it difficult to express exactly what needed to be said. He opened and closed his mouth a few times eyes searching for a reciprocal response.

“I-I’ll always be…close by.” Alec thought his response was completely inadequate but Magnus seemed to understand the affection behind the words and gave a weak smile.

* * *  
The following day had been the day Alec had been dreading since Magnus’ first interrogation. He’d delivered the warlock, attempting a brave composure, to Verlac in the morning. Alec had put an affectionate hand on Magnus’ lower back hoping it gave him some comfort before he was seized by Sebastian’s cruel grasp.

“Two hours Verlac!” Alec shouted. Before the door slammed shut he saw Sebastian’s hand slither to Magnus’ hair and give a brutal tug forcing him to look directly at him. He heard a quiet whimper from behind the door. Stricken with grief, Alec turned and walked the length of the hallway. He’d be more prepared to help this time.

In the following hours Alec managed to gather a bag of supplies, most likely useless but he needed to do something to feel worthwhile. He dropped them in Magnus’ lonely cell. For a minute he allowed despair to overtake him. This miserable, unloving space filled with darkness was a safe place for the warlock. A place he felt soothed by clipped conversations and restrained contact. Alec’s body began to shake from the effort he needed to keep his eyes from shedding tears. He turned and wandered the empty hallways until he found himself back in front of those nauseating doors again. He knew he was a few minutes early so he stood like a statue desperately trying to listen for any cry of pain from inside. He heard nothing. It unnerved him at how eerily quiet it was.

Time was up. Alec pounded the door and didn’t wait for it to open. He burst into the room and was a little surprised at what he saw. Sebastian was sat in a chair facing the entrance Alec had just stormed through. He’d been watching the doors… but why?

“Not even a second late Lightwood.” Sebastian sneered with a knowing smile.

Alec’s gaze travelled over to the table he’d seen Magnus strapped to previously. This time however he was sat up, wrists bound behind his back with his chin on his bare chest. They’d had the sense to remove Alec’s hoodie before coming to this hell hole. He could see Magnus’ unhealed lash marks from the last time he was here. Some of them looked like they’d been aggravated again today and were freshly bleeding. Something was off, he looked beaten, exhausted and even subservient.

Sebastian broke Alec’s train of thought by standing up and waltzing over to Magnus, grabbing a fistful of hair exposing his throat. Magnus had his eyes closed and Alec could tell he was trying to control his panicked breathing. He could see tear tracks down his face now that it had been forced upwards towards the dim light. Alec felt his blood beginning to boil when he noticed an inflamed mark around Magnus’ neck –was that a rope burn? Alec’s eyes turned accusingly to Sebastian who was watching him curiously. He could barely contain himself when the taunting began.

“Have you had as much fun as I have pet? You were much more… enjoyable today.” Sebastian’s lips were so close to Magnus’ flesh but he never took his eyes from Alec’s face. “Why don’t you show Lightwood here how obedient you can be? Hmm …no? You might want to reconsider. I might have to give you another one of these.”

Sebastian traced a long pale finger down over Magnus’ raw neck and stopped at a burn mark just underneath his collarbone. Magnus flinched at the painful touch. Alec’s eyes widened at the sight. Verlac had branded him with his household crest as if he was a piece of property to claim ownership over. Magnus’ flesh had burned and bubbled until it reflected the emblem Sebastian wanted all to see. The high warlock Magnus Bane had been at his mercy and everyone would know it.

Eyes still reading Alec, Verlac continued. “Come on Bane… _beg_ me to stop. You sounded so good when you were begging.” 

He tugged Magnus’ hair harder causing the warlock to gasp. Magnus opened his eyes, using them to reach out to Alec. He was going to do it, he was going to beg that monster to let him go. Before Verlac went any further Alec strode over to him allowing his anger to surge in every movement. He made his intent clear and Sebastian released Magnus. Their stares of pure hatred for one another consumed the room for a brief moment before Sebastian relinquished. 

“You’re no fun Lightwood. You’ve given me some… interesting ideas for our next meeting though so I thank you.” And with that he had gone. The room was hauntingly quiet. Alec stood in front of Magnus, neither of them making eye contact. Alec hesitantly lifted his hand and placed it gently on the back of Magnus’ head. The very same spot that Sebastian had so cruelly seized. It worried him that Magnus flinched at his touch but then his tension seemed to slacken. He slowly moved his head forward and rested his forehead against Alec’s t-shirt. Alec heard him mutter an exhausted “thank you” into his chest.

“I’m here” was all could say in response. 

They stayed there for a little while. Magnus pressed against him only semi-conscious, Alec afraid to move or touch him as if he were made of glass. When Alec thought the time was right he helped Magnus move back to his cell. The journey was a slow and shaky one. Each interrogation was taking its toll on Magnus’ physicality. Alec wasn’t sure if he could go through another one. He felt unsettled by the way Sebastian had watched him so carefully when taunting the warlock. He knew what to do to get a reaction from him. 

When they reached the cell Alec helped Magnus sit on the floor using his stele to unbind his wrists. Magnus moved them from behind his back only to hold them together in front of his body, waiting for Alec to re-bind them as usual. Alec sat down next to him and put his stele away. Magnus searched his face, confused. His eyes shone with emotion.

“I trust you too” mumbled Alec.

The warlock smiled the first genuine smile Alec had seen. It was a glorious sight. He couldn’t imagine what it might feel like to see that smile without the bruises and blood it currently battled with. Magnus leaned his back against the cell wall and allowed Alec to try to clean him up a little. He’d brought water and encouraged the warlock to drink it slowly. He had managed to get hold of a soothing cream that supposedly dulled certain pains. With the greatest of care Alec gently massaged each raw wrist with the cream trying his best to move the shackles that bound his magic out of the way. He rubbed some of it into Magnus’ burn marks but couldn’t take his eyes off the rope burn around the warlock’s neck. Magnus must have read the horror on his face and lifted his head from the cell wall.

“It looks worse than it is” he offered softly.

“You can’t even see it” Alec countered.

“Fair point.” Magnus gave a crooked smile but closed his eyes and rested his head back against the wall. He looked exhausted. He probably hadn’t slept properly since he’d been imprisoned here. How could anyone sleep chained up the way he’d been?

Alec moved to sit next to him leaning against the wall also. He pulled his bag closer and withdrew one of his shadowhunter textbooks from it. Magnus opened his eyes slightly and side glanced the book, then he gazed at Alec’s safe and harmless face.

“What’s that for?”

“Dunno…I-I thought…maybe…you could read it…if you wanted. Or I could…to you I-I mean. It’s not the most thrilling. Actually pretty boring…I-I mean…I like it…”

Magnus smiled at his earnest stuttering and interrupted him before his cheeks got any pinker.

“I’d love to…but Alexander, my eyes are a little tired. Could you read it? If you like it then I’m sure I will to. I promise I’m listening.”

Alec relaxed and smiled at his textbook. Magnus returned his head to the cell wall and closed his eyes again. Alec shifted his weight and moved so that he was shoulder to shoulder with Magnus. Alec flipped open the textbook and started to softly read aloud about the various forms and instruments of archery. At various points he spied a glance at Magnus’ resting face and was reassured by the calm that seemed to have overtaken him. He had allowed Alec to clean his face up a little, removing some of the dried blood and grime that had settled there. Alec saw him clearly now, bruises and all. He had a kind-hearted face, not the manipulative nefarious criminal he’d been painted as. Alec knew he was in trouble here…this wasn’t going to end well.

“Don’t stop” Magnus mumbled sleepily.

Alec turned his attention back to his book and continued reading steadily, page by page. Time passed by and Alec refused to give into his worries focussing intently on the words on the page. He stopped for a brief moment only when he felt Magnus’ head softly droop onto his shoulder. A feeling of contentment washed over him and suddenly his worries disappeared. He smirked to himself and carried on reading, beginning to enjoy his textbook for the first time this evening. 

Alec lost track of time in the bubble he’d created here. He was happy sat reading to himself, Magnus asleep on his shoulder. It was the first time he hadn’t felt completely useless since he’d been placed on this ridiculous guard duty. He’d wanted to give the warlock some semblance of comfort and he’d managed that, despite everything he’d been through. He felt safe enough to sleep in Alec’s company, to willingly relinquish his consciousness. He trusted him to keep him safe – it was that final thought that caused Alec’s heart to ache.

* * *

Jace strolled down the narrow hallways towards the prisoner’s cell. He hoped things would be alright between him and Alec after their somewhat awkward conversation. He’d hadn’t been able to catch up with him since. He could often feel the anxiety pulsing from Alec through his parabatai rune. Lately it had been in overdrive. 

He pulled out his stele and drew the new rune required to open the security door onto the cell hallway and froze at what he saw. No Alec stood stoically ready to chastise him for being ten minutes late. He crept further up the hallway as quietly as he could manage and paused when he saw the downworlder’s cell door ajar. Had there been an escape attempt? He turned his head and listened. He could hear Alec mumbling to himself, no… reciting something? He found a position in which he could see into the cell without being spotted. Alec was reading! Alec was reading whilst the prisoner slept completely unrestrained. Jace’s head was spinning – what the hell was going on here?!


	6. Not Alone

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi all!
> 
> Here is the next chapter for you...I love a good slow burn! I hope you enjoy it.  
> Sorry for the slightly slower update...I have started back work this week so have to go to bed at a normal hour.  
> I've roughly read this through once or twice but I apologise for any typos I missed.
> 
> I am really going through the Magnus feels at the moment with what happened on the show this week! 
> 
> I just want to thank everyone so much for leaving me lovely comments to read...I never expected so many!  
> I am checking them religiously!
> 
> I never thought this fic would amount to much but I'm rather enjoying it and hope you all stick with it.

Jace silently pushed the cell door further open in order to make his presence known. At first Alec didn’t notice. It was only when he caught sight of a silhouetted figure in his peripheral vision that he dropped his book and flinched in surprise. 

“What the hell Alec?” shouted Jace in confused anger.

Magnus jolted awake and shot up, forgetting his injuries in his panicked state. Reality suddenly hit and he winced painfully leaning one arm against the cell wall to steady himself. Alec froze. Had he been so lost in his own bliss that he’d forgotten shift change? How could he possibly explain this?

Jace made to move towards the prisoner drawing his dagger from his belt. Alec’s heart raced. Allowing his body to take charge Alec got up and placed himself directly in the path between his parabatai and the warlock. He knew Jace would never do anything to hurt him. Magnus, however, was an alleged dangerous criminal that, although without magic, was completely unbound. Jace would have no qualms about neutralising that threat. Alec could hear Magnus’ uneven breathing behind him and swore he felt a hand holding onto the bottom of his t-shirt. Alec locked eyes with Jace. His face was one of uncertainty, searching Alec’s for any semblance of explanation for his actions.

“Get out of the way Alec.” Jace’s voice was firm and low.

“Just hear me out…p-put the dagger down.” Alec held his palms up in an attempt to ease Jace’s tension. He didn’t want to fight his brother. Jace didn’t move. 

“I thought we settled this Alec! He is a prisoner of the clave! There’s nothing you can do here. You’re shift is over… just leave… _now!_ Let me deal with him. Go ask Maryse to be relieved of guard duty or by the angel I’ll…”

“Or you’ll _what?!_ ” Alec spat. He felt Magnus flinch behind him. He wouldn’t leave this cell until he knew Magnus wouldn’t be punished further for his carelessness. Slowly Magnus tried to move around Alec’s protective stance and spoke softly as if his voice was not of equal worth.

“Alec, I don’t want you to get into trouble…”

Alec protectively re-positioned himself to ensure that Jace didn’t have a direct line to Magnus. Using an arm he tried to gently keep the warlock behind him. His mind was in turmoil. How could he make Jace understand? 

“Jace… just let me try to explain… _please_.” Alec’s eyes pleaded with his parabatai’s. “ _Please_ …” he repeated. Jace’s eyes softened and he lowered the dagger, his face now contorted with worry. Perhaps it was the fact that Alec had never shown this kind of desperation in front of his brother before. Jace shook his head.

“I don’t understand this Alec.” Jace placed his hand on the spot where his t-shirt hid his parabatai rune. “Is this the reason for all of the anxiety? Just because of a downworlder?”

“He’s not just a downworlder Jace! Magnus is…he’s…” Alec struggled to find any words that would make sense, at least to someone else. He watched as Jace’s eyes switched to survey the warlock behind him. 

Alec let some of the tension drop from his shoulders. 

“Remember when Clary first came to the institute? You two just…I dunno… just felt something I guess? I was…suspicious…and full of doubt. I was… well, I wasn’t too kind to her… or you really. I-I’m sorry Jace. I was wrong. I should have trusted your instincts…or feelings…or whatever. I didn’t understand…which is why I’m hoping you’ll understand me now.”

Alec had never felt exposed like this before. He hoped that his useless stuttering had some effect on his brother. He wasn’t one for emotion so why then did he feel like he was bearing his soul here? He couldn’t bring himself to look at Jace. Alec imagined his expression would be one of disbelief or even dislike. If he couldn’t win Jace over then all hope was lost. When he finally chanced a look at his parabatai’s face he felt a surge of affection for his brother. Jace’s eyes were gentle and his face no longer looked angry. He slowly lowered his dagger and returned it to his sheath. 

“I’m not gonna pretend to be happy about this, but if you’re sure… Alec, are you certain?”

“I’m sure Jace. Please…” Alec didn’t even know what he was asking for. He hated the idea of being at someone else’s mercy, even if it was his own brother’s. 

Jace slowly moved towards Alec and put a hand on his shoulder, gripping it tightly.

“Alec, what are you so afraid of? You’re my parabatai. I’m not gonna do anything that will put you in danger. Your worries are my worries…right?”

All Alec could do was nod. He watched as Jace moved slowly around him and stood in front of Magnus who was still using the wall to keep himself upright. His physical appearance was distressing. Jace surveyed the warlock carefully, eyes lingering on his more prominent looking injuries. Magnus’ eyes were glued to the floor. It occurred to Alec that the only other shadowhunter Magnus had met here had been Sebastian and unfortunately Jace looked very similar to him. Alec gazed at the Verlac family crest that had been burned into Magnus’ flesh at his collarbone and felt hatred surge within him.

“Magnus…” Alec started but stopped when Jace held up a hand to him. He felt out of control. He hated the idea of exposing the warlock to anything that would cause him more discomfort but he appreciated Jace for trying. When he spoke Jace’s voice was hushed and sympathetic. 

“Uh…Magnus? Can I call you Magnus? Look…I want you to know that I’m not gonna hurt you. This idiot here is my brother and what he says goes… most of the time anyway. I’m sorry I threatened you. I want you to know that I’m… I won’t touch you…ok?”

Magnus glanced up at Jace’s face, uncertain, and then looked over at Alec. Alec nodded at him in reassurance. All Alec wanted to do was hold the damaged warlock and make him whole again. Jace, as if reading his brother’s thoughts moved back towards the door of the cell.

“I’ll give you a minute before I have to lock up for the night?”

Alec gave his parabatai a grateful smile and suddenly the two of them were alone again. Immediately Alec moved to place his hands tenderly on Magnus’ arms.

“Please Magnus, don’t worry. Jace is a good guy... I’ve trusted him with my life many times so I know I can rely on him. He won’t disturb you. He’ll let you get what sleep you can before…”

Magnus knew how that sentence finished and looked deep into Alec’s eyes.

“Before my final interrogation tomorrow” he said sadly. 

Alec felt the warlock tremble slightly beneath his touch. He knew how much he feared Sebastian and what unknown tortures awaited him. 

“If you trust him Alexander…” Magnus started and hesitantly placed a hand on top of Alec’s, trying to gage his reaction. Alec smiled and the warlock’s anxiety eased slightly. When he continued his voice was tender. “You defended me and you put yourself in harm’s way for me. No one has ever done that before.”

Alec felt a surge of pity for the warlock. Could he possibly have been so unloved that no one had ever been willing to face danger for him before? It had been natural instinct for Alec.

“Jace wouldn’t have hurt me” he muttered attempting to belittle his own actions.

“Regardless, you’re special to me Alexander. I am lucky to have gotten the opportunity to know you. I only wish you really knew me too…truly.” Magnus’ eyes glanced down to the shackles on his wrists. The shackles restraining and suppressing his life force were a horrible reminder that he was trapped in more ways than one. He could feel Magnus holding onto him and knew the warlock desperately didn’t want him to leave. He didn’t want to be alone again.

“I know you Magnus… your magic is a part of you but it’s not all of who you are. I’m with you…ok? I’m here.”

Magnus eyes brimmed with insecurity and emotion. Alec was worried for him. He was being beaten from both sides here, physically and emotionally. Alec moved his hand to cup the warlock’s face, his thumb lightly tracing the outline of a black eye. Magnus closed his eyes and leaned into Alec’s touch as if tenderness was something unknown and forbidden. Silent sorrowful tears began to seep from the warlock’s closed eyes and Alec had to fight to contain his own emotions. He wasn’t sure of the reasoning behind Magnus’ feelings – exhaustion? Unexpected tenderness? Fear of what Sebastian had in store? All Alec knew was that Magnus was hurting and he needed to fix this.

“Don’t go...” Magnus whispered completely forsaken. Alec suspected he already knew what response this might warrant.

“I can’t stay… you know I can’t.”

Magnus’ breathing hitched. He was almost completely lost. It destroyed Alec that it wouldn’t be Sebastian that would break Magnus, it would be him. He needed to make a choice. When did his life become so complicated? So full of heartache? Was he willing to burn the world around him to save one man? One warlock?

Alec took Magnus’ face between his hands pleading with the warlock to have hope. Magnus’ eyes searched his dejectedly.

“Magnus…please… don’t lose faith. I know you said you wouldn’t…but I want you to ask me.”

“Ask you?” Magnus’ brow furrowed slightly.

“I need you to _ask me_ ” Alec repeated desperately.

Magnus’ eyes widened and Alec saw a combination of disbelief and longing behind the darkness. The warlock was coming back to life, his light reigniting. He swallowed and weakly uttered “Alexander…please…will you help me?”

Alec smiled. “You’re special to me too.”

* * *

Alec had given Magnus the gift of hope. Hope for an immortal life worth living again, or for the feel of his magic flowing free once more. Alec had made Jace swear to him that he would leave Magnus sleep peacefully through the night. He’d muttered some awkward mumblings about being grateful to him for understanding. At that point Jace had told him that he sounded delirious and to get some sleep. Alec found his way into his room feeling a little lighter. Magnus had asked for help there was no way he would refuse it. He would remove the magical restraints and allow the warlock to create a portal to who-knows-where. It hurt his heart to think that he might not see Magnus again but knew this was wholeheartedly selfish. There would be serious repercussions for Alec to think about. This was treason. He was committing treason! He supposed Magnus was right. He didn’t care about putting himself in danger if it meant Magnus would be safe. Tomorrow. Tomorrow, Magnus would be free. Alec heaved a sigh and gave himself over to sleep.

The following morning Alec didn’t bother with breakfast. He dressed himself hurriedly and tried unsuccessfully to smooth his unruly hair. The pale sun was still not wholly in the sky yet and it cast a pink light in through his bedroom window. He felt a calmness wash over him. Alec rarely felt this tranquil, this decisive. He turned and left his room, leaving all manner of peace and light behind him.

Alec moved level by level towards the bottom of the institute building, opening the security door. He had prepared himself to act normal in front of his brother and quickly drew a rune on the security door to move through it. As soon as Jace came into view he rushed towards Alec in a panic. Blood was running freely from his brother’s nose as he stuttered.

“Alec…I _tried_ …please believe me, I tried to stop him.”

Alec felt cold dread begin to work its way through his body. He pushed past Jace and pulled open the cell door only to find it empty. He turned feeling the beginnings of anger pulsing through him.

“Where is he?”

Jace looked beseechingly at his parabatai. The blood oozing from his nose had made its way down on to his t-shirt. “He came for him…it’s his last interrogation before the trial today…”

“That wasn’t scheduled until this afternoon!” Alec shouted. Fear was starting to take a hold of him.

“He came early this morning. Said something about extenuating circumstances and being granted extra time. He said he’d return him when he was done… only…”

“Only what Jace?” 

Alec didn’t know what to think. He’d filled Magnus with false hope and now that animal had him in his clutches again. He couldn’t bear the thought of Magnus going through any more pain. He didn’t know if he would survive it. Alec could tell Jace was struggling with the information he had to deliver.

“Alec, I tried to stop him. He caught me off guard. When I came back around the cell was empty. It was Sebastian…I know it was… but he’d glamoured himself…”

Realisation suddenly struck Alec like lightening. He froze feeling his insides churn. He didn’t want the answer to the question he needed to ask. 

“Who was he glamoured as?”

Jace’s face looked grim and full of sorrow for the pain he was about to cause his parabatai.

“You, Alec. He was glamoured as you.”


	7. Trust

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here you go...next chapter. 
> 
> Firstly, sorry for the slightly longer wait, work has been a nightmare this week. I've decided I'm going to try to update this at least weekly.
> 
> Secondly, oh my gosh at the responses this fic is getting. I honestly cant believe it. Your comments are making my life right now! I don't know what the done thing is on here and whether I'm supposed to be replying to you all but I'd like you all to know that I read them all and they give me so much encouragement (some of them give me a good giggle too)! 
> 
> Whoever said the internet is a dark place clearly hasn't met you all! Thanks for all the positive outpourings. Please continue to let me know what you think as I found this chapter a little trickier to write than some of the others.
> 
> Enjoy xx
> 
> P.S. Shadowhunters this week... I am SHOOK!

Alec didn’t know what to do. He felt rooted to the spot. All manner of thoughts and images swarmed before his unfixing eyes. Magnus being hauled into the institute; his powerful frame bound and weakened; his sad genuine smiles; the calm and freedom from pain on his sleeping face. Suddenly these were replaced by horrifying pictures of what might be. Magnus terrified of Alec’s touch; submitting to the belief that he had been manipulated all along; betrayal and anxiety. Alec leaned his back against the cold embrace of the stone wall. He feared his legs would give way and slowly slid down to the ground in a state of complete despair. 

Jace looked uneasy. Alec had never given himself over to a state of chaos before. He’d always been assured of his duties and confident in his role. This warlock had shattered the illusion of his existence and now there was no returning to the way things had been before. There was no way Alec was going to stand by and wait this time. He wouldn’t allow Magnus to think he was capable of causing him harm. The trust they’d built together was being twisted and mutilated by Sebastian into self-doubt and anguish. No. Alec wouldn’t let this happen.

His facial expression changed to one of determination and he started to push himself up from the ground. Jace seeing the dramatic change in him moved to block his exit. He held his hands up in front of him.

“Woah, Alec. What are you doing? Tell me what you’re thinking.”

Alec’s voice was frantic and his words spilled out in an unfiltered stream. “What am I thinking?! I’m thinking I’m gonna go to that god dammed interrogation room. I’m gonna fight off Verlac… I’ll kill him if I have to! …I need to go get a seraph blade…or my bow… I’m gonna free Magnus from all of this… this torture…and then…”

“And then what?!” Jace interrupted his angry soliloquy.

“You’re not gonna change my mind this time Jace. I need to do something. I can’t just leave him there. I can’t let him think…” Alec’s voice broke and he had to stop. Jace’s eyes filled with pity for his brother. His stepped forward and placed a hand on Alec’s arm in a soothing manner. His voice had adopted a softer tone.

“Look, I’m not asking you to do nothing. I’m asking you to think. I understand you want to get him out but I can’t lose you to this… I’ll help you, ok? Just please, think this through with me first?”

Alec gave way to some of the tension he was carrying. He saw his own desperation reflected in his parabatai’s face. Jace was right, there had to be an easier way to do this. He didn’t relish the idea of taking another shadowhunter’s life…even if it was Sebastian. Alec’s current plan would probably end with his own imprisonment, banishment or death. Frustrated, he rubbed both hands up through his ebony hair. Every moment they wasted here was a moment longer that Magnus was at the mercy of Sebastian. He hoped against hope that Magnus would know it was really Sebastian.

Jace took Alec’s frustrated silence as reluctant acceptance and gently began again. 

“Ok, what we need is a way to get Verlac out of the room, just long enough for you to get Magnus out of there. There can’t be any witnesses to this Alec…that’s your only way out of this.”

“Stop worrying about me Jace!”

“But I am worried about you! If you’re caught they’ll take everything from you…everyone! Your livelihood, your sister…me.”

Alec suddenly realised that it wasn’t just himself that stood to lose someone today. He felt a surge of guilt for disregarding his parabatai’s feelings. Alec’s expression neutralised and he nodded. He knew he was beaten on this.

“So how do we get him to leave Magnus alone?”

Jace held Alec’s gaze, his face unwavering. “Inquisitor Herondale has already arrived at the institute in preparation for the trial tomorrow…what if she needs to speak to Verlac about his paperwork…his interrogation strategies…or whatever.”

A glimmer of hope ignited within Alec. He felt the knot in his stomach loosen slightly. That could work. Sebastian wouldn’t leave the interrogation room unless summoned by someone of importance. Alec’s eyes roamed the empty corridor as he tried to piece together how this might unfold. “Verlac won’t leave Magnus alone, unguarded… he’d have someone keep watch.”

Jace’s eyes widened as if excited by his own realisation. “Blackwell! Maryse is going to send him to check out some territory dispute between the wolves this afternoon. He won’t be in the institute but Sebastian won’t know that…I could glamour myself and tell him the Inquisitor wants him.”

Alec was touched by the lengths at which his brother was willing to go to help Magnus. He wished he’d never doubted him in the first place. He almost pointed out that he could glamour himself as Blackwell just as easily. There was no need for Jace to be involved in this, but Alec knew that his acting abilities were not a patch on Jace’s. Alec couldn’t convince anyone using another identity… maybe because he’d spent so long running from his own. He’d didn’t possess the confidence and nerve that Jace had. 

“I think this could work Jace!” Alec’s voice had lost its panicked edge.

“After Verlac has gone I’ll give you the all clear and I’ll head back upstairs…I’ll keep Maryse busy. I’ll make sure I get myself seen by others. Technically Magnus will be in Verlac’s custody when he escapes. Sebastian will blame Blackwell who everyone knows is in the field… but Alec, you need to be seen upstairs…in the main hall…wherever, before everyone realises Magnus has gone. If not you’ll be suspect number one and we both know Verlac is already on to you.”

Alec nodded again feeling overcome with gratitude and affection for his brother. He silently chided himself for all of the times he’d been a lesser man than Jace had been today. When Alec spoke he hoped his voice conveyed the feeling his words wouldn’t.

“Jace…Thanks…for…you know.”

Jace smiled his crooked smile, patted Alec’s arm and took his stele from his pocket. He lifted his t-shirt up a little and moved it quickly over a rune concealed underneath. Alec blinked and Jace’s form had smoothly morphed into that of Blackwell’s. He gave Alec a wink and turned his back, beginning to walk the recognisable path towards Magnus’ interrogation room. Soon Blackwell’s sturdy shape had disappeared and Alec was alone again. He drifted slowly into Magnus’ lonely cell. Looking around he tried to soak up any ounce of the warlock he could find. His heart was racing and his throat felt tight. This had to work!

* * *

Alec paced Magnus’ empty cell like a caged animal. What was taking so long? His mind fought desperately to keep away the many scenarios in which this didn’t end well, for anyone. He needed to use his training and focus. Try to hone in on what needed to happen and keep all other eventualities at bay. A light tingling sensation paused Alec’s thoughts and movement. He’d felt it. Jace had touched his parabatai rune with his stele signalling Alec to come to him. 

Within seconds Alec had jogged the suffocating route to where he knew Sebastian would have taken Magnus. He slowly pulled one of the large doors open to find Jace, still glamoured, moving towards him. Alec placed an affectionate hand on his arm and nodded. Jace’s posture was uneasy. As he moved to leave the cell he turned to Alec, his voice low and serious.

“I’ll head back upstairs. Remember Alec, you need witnesses to see you upstairs before they realise he is gone. I’ll buy you as much time as I can but please… just get it done.”

Before Alec could even reply Jace was gone. He knew he needed to act quickly. He turned to find out what fresh tortures Sebastian had probably left unfinished. Magnus’ shackled wrists had been bound together and were currently raised, attached to the long chain dangling from the ceiling. The chain had been pulled tightly causing Magnus body to stretch out, his feet only just touching the ground. He looked so exposed and… terrified. His eyes wide and body trembling. Despite being chained up he was trying to pull in the opposite direction. Then Alec remembered... he thought Sebastian had returned.

Alec started to move forward but stopped when he saw the distress it caused the warlock. Fresh tears had started to run down his ashen face. His voice was cracked and helpless.

“Don’t…please…”

Alec raised his hands to show he meant the warlock no harm. He searched his eyes and was pained when all he saw reflected back was fear. 

“Magnus…please…I’m not going to hurt you. I’d never hurt you. I’m here to get you out… to help.”

The warlock closed his eyes and shook his head causing him to lose his footing slightly. His voice reflected his cracked and broken exterior.

“No more games…please…”

This was taking too long. Alec needed to get him out of this place. He pushed forward decidedly and tried to ignore Magnus’ whimpering and pained cries at what might happen. He tugged on the chain causing it to give a little and managed to release the warlock’s hands. Without the chain to support his weight Magnus dropped to the floor. Alec had tried to support him through it but that had seemed to cause more panic. He watched as Magnus pushed himself across the ground until his back hit the corner of the room and he had nowhere else to go. He looked lifeless, like every ounce of energy had been sapped from him a long time ago and only an empty shell remained. 

“Please… no more…not like this…”

Alec crouched down so that he was on the same level as the warlock. He tried desperately to hold eye contact but Magnus kept his nervous eyes on the floor.

“Magnus, look at me. Magnus…please, look at me”

The warlock reluctantly raised his gaze to meet Alec’s. Did he think he would be punished if he didn’t obey? Alec tried to shake that from his head. He needed to watch how he spoke to the warlock. It was probably best to avoid anything in the way of being direct.

“It’s me…ok? Look we need to get out of here. Do you trust me?”

He slowly moved to place a gentle hand on Magnus’ arm but pulled back when he saw the extent to which the warlock flinched at the contact. He let out a sympathetic sigh and tried again.  
“Please believe me. Its me…it’s Alexander. I’m here. I won’t hurt you…It was Sebastian, not me. Please tell me you knew it was him…I would never hurt you like…”

“Alexander?” Something had cleared slightly in the warlock’s eyes. He still held himself as far away from Alec as manageable but his face seemed to recognise that something was different.

“Yes, Magnus…It’s me. I wouldn’t leave you… I’m here to help. We need to go.”

Alec’s voice was filled with urgency but Magnus still looked unsure. What mind games had Sebastian been playing down here? Alec’s body ached to comfort and assure him that after today he wouldn’t need to be afraid anymore. Magnus’ face was torn. He could see that the warlock wanted hopelessly to believe what he was being told but self-preservation wouldn’t allow him to expose himself any further. Magnus bit his already split lip and looked back at the honest face that had already deceived him. 

“But you said…it was a trick…”

“It wasn’t me Magnus. It was Sebastian…please know that.” Alec held out his hand allowing Magnus the choice of contact this time. “Trust me?”

Magnus cautiously grasped Alec’s hand with both of his. He watched Alec’s face and winced when he made contact, as if still expecting something horrible to happen. He held on tightly and only wavered when Alec drew his stele from his pocket. Alec sensed his tension and tried to think back to their first meetings. The warlock had been untrusting then but he hadn’t been the broken soul he was now. Alec’s voice dipped to a whisper.

“ssshhhh…I promised to help you, ok?”

Alec hovered his stele above the first of the shackles that kept Magnus’ magic dormant. He tried to focus his mind then started to draw the rune that would release the restraint. Magnus’ trembling had eased and he watched with tentative eyes. The first of the shackles opened and dropped to the ground with a loud clatter. Magnus closed his eyes and pushed his head back, tensing from the repression. His chest had started heaving deeply and Alec knew he could feel his magic surging just below the surface. 

“There are wards against portals in here. I’ll need to get you out past the security door before you summon one, ok?” Alec looked at Magnus for confirmation that he’d understood but the warlock seemed unsteady. He moved his stele on to the second shackle and drew the now familiar rune.

The second shackle dropped to the floor and Alec watched as Magnus opened and closed his fists. Blue embers flowed across the surface area of the warlock’s body, pooling at his injuries. The numerous bruises and lacerations dwindled and returned to smooth caramel skin, all except for one. Magnus’ body loosened into the embrace of his magic. He resembled a caged bird stretching its wings for the first time. Alec watched completely enchanted by the blue sparks and Magnus’ ability to bend them to his will. 

“Magnus…we need to move…”

Magnus looked at Alec, uncontrolled and limitless. He looked to be regaining some of the strength Alec had glimpsed previously, if not in physicality then in demeanour. For the first time since their meeting Alec was now the more vulnerable of the two. He was a little unnerved when Magnus didn’t move to come with him. Instead the warlocks eyes shrouded with turmoil and his brow furrowed. A shiver ran down Alec’s spine. He didn’t like the way Magnus face looked so conflicted. They were losing time. The warlock’s right hand stroked the air in front of him, causing the blue flickers to run around his fingers. He was definitely agonising over something. Without thinking Alec moved his outstretched hand forward again and provided the warlock with the catalyst he’d needed to act.

Magnus stood boldly emanating blue flashes of distress and Alec felt the back of his head hit a wall. He blinked and refocussed his eyes on the warlock holding him at bay. What was happening?! He tried frantically to peel himself from the wall but found that no amount of struggle would allow him to dislodge himself. His breath came out in irregular gasps and when his voice escaped his lips it sounded pained.

“Magnus…”

The warlock kept his distance, eyes frantically searching the floor. He seemed in complete disarray. The trust they had developed together was transforming into paranoia. Alec wasn’t sure Magnus would be able to pull himself out of this alone…but he was useless with words. What could he say? He needed the warlock to step away from his fear and blindly trust him. He’d never been in a position quite like he was now. Completely defenceless and at the mercy of a downworlder. Alec’s eyes surveyed the turmoil unfolding in front of him. He lingered on the Verlac crest burned into the warlocks’ flesh. Not even Magnus’ magic had healed it and the sight of it made Alec ache.

Magnus took a hesitant step forward, his eyes now searching Alec’s face for any notion of immorality. His voice sounded different, grave. 

“No more games. I’ll not participate in your cat and mouse amusements… I don’t know why you’ve taken them…the shackles off…”

Alec noted the fear that still licked the surface of the warlock’s words. He strained against the magic confining him. 

“I’m not going to hurt you Magnus…believe me, please. You told me you were glad you got to know me. You said you wished that I could know you too…this isn’t you… you’re scared…but it’s ok. Don’t give up… Don’t give up on me…on yourself. If you just trust me… I will help you…I promise, I will!”

Alec hated how desperate he sounded. If he couldn’t break Magnus’ panic then this would all have been for nothing. Time was running out. Sebastian would be heading back soon and Alec needed to get the warlock clear of the institute. 

Magnus flinched at his words and clenched his fists, making the invisible bindings tighten. The warlock had moved within an inch of him, an expression of wounded longing on his face. Alec held his gaze and felt his eyes start to glaze over. In a final bid he managed to choke out a pleading “trust me.”


	8. Hollow

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok...so I'm back. Wow its been a while. I'm so sorry!  
> I went through a huge writers block. I have found myself in the hiatus void since the show ended and its only been a week! So here I am, back to this little fic again hoping to continue it... not sure anyone will even remember it properly?
> 
> Hopefully its worth a re-read? I'm very sorry for leaving you hanging.  
> I'm having a LOT of malec feelings right now and I'm not too sure what to do about it.
> 
> Please have a peruse and leave me something nice to read... or in this chapter's case feel free to shout at me if you like!
> 
> xx

Alec gasped in a desperate breath as his body came crashing down to the floor. His chest wheezed and clambered to breathe in more oxygen. Slowly his vision started to return and he pressed his palms firmly against the cold floor, anchoring himself. His mind was racing with this unforeseen turn of events. He slowly lifted his head blinking his strained vision back into focus but what he saw caused him more pain. Magnus stood a distance from him his expression constantly changing from one of confusion to anger to guilt. Alec couldn’t imagine what mental battle was raging inside of him. He felt grief for the loss of the connection they had built. Healed of his bruises and cuts Magnus’ skin looked smooth and soft and Alec longed to reach out and touch his face. No longer fragile, he wanted just to run his thumb across the warlock’s cheek. He wanted to do anything to ease the fear and tension that still lingered there, provide a physical apology for everything he’d suffered.

“I can’t…” Magnus’ shaky words pulled Alec from his thoughts.

“What?” Alec shook his head and pulled himself into a hunched position but chose to stay low to the ground. Magnus was on edge which was understandable and he looked more than ready to throw Alec back against the wall if the occasion called for it. 

“Trust you anymore…I can’t, I don’t _trust_ you…if you’re even you! I don’t know… I-I…”

Alec didn’t say anything. Magnus’ words had made his chest feel suddenly tight and he wasn’t sure what to do. This was going to be more difficult if Magnus didn’t trust Alec. His brows furrowed and he felt a lump forming in his throat. When he spoke his voice was hoarse. He knew it was probably useless but he had to try.

“ _Please_ Magnus, it wasn’t me. It was Sebastian…whatever he did to you…whatever he said. It wasn’t me. I need to…”

When Magnus interrupted him his voice was small and his eyes pleading, desperately seeking clarity and an end to the manipulation. “Maryse…she’s your mother?”

“Yes” Alec whispered.

“She tasked you personally with guarding me?”

Alec sighed another defeated “yes” not liking where this was going.

“She also tasked you with befriending me by any means possible? To gather intel by getting close to me? To use against me?” 

Alec could feel his eyes glazing over and his body starting to shake. He slowly lifted himself into a standing position opposite Magnus. He kept his distance but felt hurt at the uncertainty that came over the warlock now that they were back on eye level again. He tried to make his voice as calm as possible, not conveying how Magnus’ words were tearing him apart. 

“ _No_. Magnus, no. She’s my mother. She ordered me to guard you but that’s it. I-I don’t know what lies Sebastian has fed you but I promise you they aren’t true. He will be back soon…we need to go. I have a promise to keep, remember? You can make a portal out of here… go anywhere you want…as soon as I get you past the security door... _please_.”

Another painful moment of silence passed between them as they stood desperately trying to read one another. Alec lifted a hopeful hand in the warlock’s direction but lowered it back to his side at Magnus’ wary backward step. 

“What choice do I have anyway? Stay in here and wait for…him to come back. Go with you and…”

Magnus’ voice broke he wrapped his arms protectively around himself. Alec knew he was right. Everything probably looked pretty bleak to the warlock at the moment. Stay and face the return of Sebastian; try to fight his way out knowing he couldn’t get through the security door without a shadowhunter to open it for him or go along with whatever he feared Alec may be planning. He didn’t know where this innate drive to comfort and care for Magnus had come from but it was really messing with his head now. Alec slowly held his hands up and started slowly backing towards the door, Magnus watching his every move.

“I’m going to open the door now. I’ll stay ahead of you the whole time ok? You’ll be able to see where I am and what I’m doing. I just need you to follow me…at your own pace. Just-just come with me ok?”

Magnus didn’t move and Alec thought he could see the cogs turning in his head. Alec took a deep breath and then turned his back to Magnus and opened the door peering out into the empty corridor. He edged out of the room and into the passageway listening intently for movement. He released a breath he didn’t realise he was holding when he turned and saw the warlock tentatively following a few paces behind him. Magnus’ dark eyes didn’t leave Alec who shivered under his gaze. He didn’t know whether the warlock wanted to grab on to him and run with him or see him writhe in pain as he’d been forced to. Alec couldn’t take this tension, it was so different and alien to the man he’d got to know. He continued slowly backing up the long corridor watching Magnus follow uncertainly.

“Magnus-“ 

“ _Don’t!_ Just…don’t try anything”

“I’m not going to. Just, in a minute I’m going to reach into my pocket and get my stele for the door ok? If I do anything you don’t like, then please, feel free to fling me against the wall again.” 

Alec offered him a small smile hoping for one of his usual sarcastic comments. Magnus said nothing and clenched his fists as he watched Alec take out his stele. A new wave of sadness washed over Alec as he watched the warlock stood in the dim flickering light. His shirtless body, covered in sweat was a perfect paradox. Such a powerful being, Magnus could easily overpower Alec with a flick of his wrist if he wanted to. Yet somehow in these constricting halls he seemed small and that made Alec hate the institute for the first time in his life. 

They turned the corner and instead of following the hallway back to Magnus’ cell Alec moved towards the security door and drew the rune that would truly set Magnus free. He pulled it open checking that the coast was clear and then signalled for Magnus that he was free to go. 

“You can portal anywhere beyond this door so…” Alec’s voice faded, not knowing how to finish his train of thought.

Magnus eyed the open doorway with suspicion to begin with. Alec watched him take a hesitant step towards it. He noticed the warlock had subconsciously been holding and rubbing at the bare skin of his wrists for the past few minutes now. It never occurred to Alec that by removing the shackles he was taking away what Magnus knew and was now used to. He knew what it was to be a prisoner, to be physically hurt and bound. What he wasn’t coping with was the mental warfare raging inside. Alec watched him continue to scratch at his own skin yearning to reach out and calm his nervous hands but he didn’t dare.

Soundlessly and slowly Magnus moved past Alec and through the door. When nothing happened and no one appeared he turned his gaze back to Alec’s crestfallen face. Magnus dropped his gaze to the floor and heaved a deep breath. Alec watched him summon the swirling portal ready to take him to safety, wherever that was. He knew he should feel relieved and at ease but he couldn’t. A part of himself, the most selfish part of himself ached over the idea of never seeing Magnus again. He felt cheated that this was their last encounter, that Sebastian had ruined them. He missed Magnus’ trusting soft eyes and his gentle smiles. He knew that they had been just for him over these past few days. He felt sick at what the warlock had endured and had to steel himself to stop the tears gathering in his eyes from falling. He would make this right, he would.

Alec flicked his gaze back up to Magnus’ face. He was watching him just as intently, unreadable. He felt a chill take over him and could only acknowledge the distance between them. 

“Go” Alec whispered barely audible.

Magnus eyes searched and his hand returned to hold on to his own wrist. He looked like he was going to say something but then thought better of it. A moment passed and Alec felt like the wind had been knocked out of him when Magnus stepped through the portal and disappeared. The institute suddenly felt much emptier than it had before. Alec leant against the wall breathing deeply, needing to take a moment to compose himself before he had to go back upstairs to resume the monotony that would be shadowhunter life from now on.

***

Ten minutes. Alec had been in the main hall for ten minutes before Sebastian stormed from the basement raising the alarm. He’d done as Jace had asked and ensured that he spoke to and acknowledged as many different shadowhunters as possible, ensuring his own alibi. The institute descended into chaos. Everyone was abuzz with the fact that a warlock had escaped the institute wards and confines, seemingly without help. Inquisitor Herondale had very publically berated his mother for calling her here to trial a now non-existent prisoner. Maryse had publically berated Sebastian for fabricating nonsense about Blackwell and made it clear that he would be punished for a lacklustre approach to his duties. 

Alec hovered towards the back of the room watching the chaos as it unfolded. He should probably try to help restore some order, start feeling his sense of duty kick in. He should probably even feel a little proud of himself. Magnus was safe. That was what was important. Why then did he feel so hollow? He looked down at the hoody he held in his hands, he’d had the sense to grab it from Magnus’ cell before he returned to ‘normality’. He tried to tell himself that he retrieved it to cover his own back but honestly, he felt that it didn’t really belong to him anymore anyway. It was a small comfort to have something that reminded him of Magnus. No one would know, only Jace. He thumbed the soft material and when he lifted his gaze he was met with a cold vicious stare. Sebastian stormed towards him, seething with a quiet dangerous fury.

“I know you helped him-“

“You don’t _know_ anything Verlac” Alec spat interrupting the no doubt long torrent of insults coming his way.

They stared knowingly at one another for a few moments before Sebastian threw off his anger and adopted a mock tone of victory.

“Just you wait Lightwood.” 

He moved off and disappeared back into the crowd leaving Alec to inwardly scoff at his empty threats. He had no proof and no leverage. Alec needed to remove himself from the commotion still going on around him and began walking the familiar path back to his room, holding on to the hoody tightly. It almost felt like the whole ‘Magnus-saga’ hadn’t happened and he was back in his old un-eventful life. For some reason that scared Alec. He hated the emptiness, craving to feel the multitude of raw emotions he’d felt when he was with Magnus. Everything was different. The ground had shifted but that meant nothing because Alec had no clue where he stood. He was lost. Completely and utterly lost.


	9. Understanding

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this chapter was planned to have more included in it but this seemed like a natural close when I wrote it. 
> 
> Let me know what you guys are thinking...
> 
> Its so nice to read all of the comments left on the previous chapter, even after my little hiatus! Thank you so much to anyone who left one! They make me smile.
> 
> I'm also now on Tumblr as TeachMePatience1. I have little to no idea how to use it though - just know that I need me some Malec gifs to look at!

The buzz of the escaped warlock prisoner had passed – for most. Weeks had gone by. People returned to their monotonous routines within the busy institute. Demon-hunting, daily training, endless paper work. Of course there were those that still used what little free time they had to search for any updated sightings or mentions of the elusive Magnus Bane, Maryse and Sebastian mostly. The inquisitor returned to Idris seemingly indifferent to the whole affair which only confirmed what Alec had believed before; that this warlock hunt was a vendetta of his mother’s rather than a mission from the clave. Lydia Branwell, personal envoy to the clave was ordered to remain behind to monitor any inconsistencies there might be. Maryse was furious of course, but Alec didn’t mind. He and Lydia had always been on good terms. 

Alec left Jace in the training room deciding he’d endured enough physical depletion for one evening. Usually sparring with his parabatai left him with a sense of accomplished comradery. Building and honing his skills as a soldier of the institute was supposed to be a privilege. It didn’t feel like that lately. Something had shifted and it was really starting to affect Alec in ways he hadn’t understood. He thought he would move on as time passed. He thought his mind-set would return to ‘normal’. The ideologies he’d been raised on and trusted in had been brought crashing down and he wasn’t sure what it was he believed in anymore. Surely the duty of shadowhunters was to protect, not destroy? Alec always thought the clave to be an organisation of diplomacy, not tyranny. 

Completely lost in his meditations he walked headlong into Lydia as she emerged from the ops centre.

“Oh god…I’m sorry Lydia” he mumbled as he stepped back.

“My fault Alec, I’m sorry. I wasn’t looking where I was going. You’ve been training?

“Yeah.” Alec attempted a smile in order to mask the turmoil in his head. He clearly did a poor job of it as Lydia’s face adopted a concerned expression.

“Alec…are you ok? You seem…off.”

Lydia was known for having an understanding and fair nature. She had quickly garnered favour amongst the younger shadowhunters in Idris and also here in New York. Alec thought it was probably the fact that she was so open-minded that had stopped her from moving up through the power-ranks of the clave. Not opinionated or bitter enough for the likes of them. Alec had grown to like her though. They had a mutual respect for one another.

“I’m fine” Alec finally mumbled out and moved off to follow the path back to his room. Much to his surprise Lydia continued to walk steadily next to him. Their silence was comfortable, friendly almost. His thoughts drifted back to Magnus and how long it had been since he’d last heard his voice. He worried that as time passed he would forget how his long lashes had fluttered restlessly when he’d fallen asleep on Alec’s shoulder. He tried to remember the tingle he’d felt at any physical contact they’d shared. Magnus had only ever held onto him through fear. He’d tried to look for him in the days gone by. With Jace’s help he’d searched the entire institute database for any clues to his whereabouts but everything led to a dead end. After a few moments Alec decided to take the plunge and just ask, knowing he’d probably end up incriminating himself. 

“Actually, there is something.” Alec rubbed a hand over the back of his neck trying to decide how to get his words out. He hoped his nerves weren’t as obvious as they felt. “The warlock that got away a couple of weeks ago…what did he have? I mean…what information…uh…”

Lydia eyed him suspiciously with a side glance but continued walking at an even pace beside him.

“Magnus Bane is a known associate of Ragnor Fell, believed to be the only one with knowledge of his location. He hasn’t been seen in years now. Ragnor Fell is believed to be in possession of the Book of the White…at least that’s what his file says.”

Alec raised his eyebrows surprised that Lydia had actually been so forth-coming and open with him. 

“And this…Book of the White. It’s a spell book?”

Lydia nodded and kept her expression unreadable.

“What do the clave even want with a spell book?”

Lydia stopped walked when they got to the elevator doors searching Alec’s face with curious eyes. Something inside of Alec made him trust her. Hopefully she would think he just had a healthy curiosity in institute affairs. She heaved a sigh and pressed the button to call the elevator.

“Honestly Alec? The clave have bigger problems and assets to acquire than a warlock spell book. It’s well known that your mother and Bane have a bit of a… _history_ with one another. I think it has…I don’t know…snowballed into something bigger than it is. Maryse was sent on a mission to retrieve the spell book many years ago when it was required. She retrieved Fell but not the book. She no doubt had plans to make him _‘talk’,_ then she lost him. Either way disaster was averted without the book but she is determined to complete the one mission that slipped through her fingers I guess.”

Alec couldn’t believe what he was hearing. He knew his mother had her flaws and was the most determined person he had ever met. What he struggled to comprehend was her inability to leave the past in the past and move on. He’d known from his childhood that she could hold a grudge and he remembered numerous occasions when his apologies hadn’t been enough and had seemingly fallen on deaf ears. But she was his mother after all and her icy exterior eventually melted with time. It seems that privilege did not extend to anyone outside of the family circle.

“So Magnus hasn’t actually done anything _wrong?_ ” Alec cried, probably a little too eagerly. He felt heat rising into his face as a result.

“I didn’t say that. He did assist in the escape of a warlock under clave custody. For that, the clave want him to go to trial but…” Lydia shrugged indifferently, as if she didn’t know what else to say.

Alec stared at her dumbfounded. Magnus had been in hiding this whole time, hunted mercilessly by his mother. All for helping a friend. Alec couldn’t help but think that all of this…all of the torture, could have been averted if only they could work together. Communication was key but what was that worth if both sides were set on antagonising and working against one another. 

The elevator doors pinged open and Lydia made to move inside, not taking her firm gaze from Alec’s face. Alec dropped his eyes to the floor feeling the heat in his face burn hotter. He’d pushed it too far. He knew now. 

“Alec, look…I’m not going to ask questions I don’t want to hear the answers to. Just…watch out for yourself.”

Alec lifted his gaze to watch as she disappeared behind the closing doors sharing a thankful smile with her beforehand. Alec felt his panic calm on hearing the tone at which she had spoken that last sentence to him. Understanding, diplomatic yet sympathetic. Lydia Branwell was what the clave ought to be. He continued on his way back to his room assured that his trust had been well placed.

* * *

The sun rose. The sun set. It woke and died each day and yet Alec felt no different. Jace had noticed the change in his brother and tried his hardest to keep his mind busy through training but to no avail. Izzy had recognised something was wrong but didn’t know how to approach Alec. His mother continued with her steadfast running of the institute, often attempting to involve her son in her perseverance of Magnus Bane. She probably believed it to be some ridiculous bonding exercise.

Alec lay in bed staring at the ceiling. He knew he had to get up. He and Jace had been asked to deliver some message to Luke’s pack regarding the resolution of some futile territory dispute. It was nothing significant which made it much harder for Alec to pull himself up into a sitting position. He roughly rubbed at his face, willing himself to find some motivation from somewhere. He heaved a deep sigh and shivered when he pulled the sheets back, his eyes landing on the pile of books on his desk.

Slowly he wandered over to them, stretching his muscles out as he went. His eyes were caught on a piece of paper edging out of one of them and he furrowed his brow. Alec didn’t use bookmarks. His heart beat sped up when he realised which book the paper was hanging out of. The same book that he had read to Magnus to try and ease his discomfort. It seemed silly now that Alec had time to think about it but at the time he was desperate for anything to take the warlock’s mind off where he was.

Alec carefully slid the piece of paper from the pages it was currently lodged between. He knew he was being ridiculous. It had probably been left by Jace or Izzy – maybe they had borrowed one of his books like they so often did. He almost didn’t want to look at it. His hopes were well and truly up now. As he unfolded the scrap of paper his throat suddenly became dry. His eyes flicked over a cursive script he hadn’t seen before.

_Alec,_

_I owe you a favour. If you ever find yourself in dire need, come see me._

_MB_

Alec stared at it a little disheartened. He read the address written on the bottom of the note. Magnus was still in Brooklyn, obviously! Hiding in plain sight. He read it over again and a third time. It was so brief and…cold. Alec knew the last time they set eyes on each other had been strenuous and painful but he hoped that by helping Magnus to escape he would earn his trust again. 

_If you ever find yourself in dire need…_ Magnus didn’t want to see Alec, not unless it was urgent. His heart was beating so quickly he thought it might tear through his chest. Alec didn’t know what to do. He ached to see the warlock again. He needed to talk to him, to explain things, to convince him. Everything was so frustrating. He closed his eyes, pushing his fingers into his sockets and tried to think clearly. Only one image came to him – Magnus’ glassy desperate eyes, asking him not to leave him. Asking him to help him. In a way that was the last time he’d seen Alec – truly Alec, and not someone he feared might turn on him or hurt him. 

Alec sat back on the edge of the bed turning the paper over and over in his fingers. He knew logically he should respect what Magnus had clearly implied and stay away, allow him time to heal on his own. What had passed between them was gone and had morphed into something else. Why then was he breathing so fast? Why did his body yearn to get up, get dressed and go when a moment ago he couldn’t even drag himself from bed? 

Alec threw himself back on his pillows groaning in defeat. He searched the ceiling again, this time trying to contemplate that age old conundrum: follow your head or follow your heart? Had anyone ever figured out a right answer to that senseless question?


	10. Scars

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi all,
> 
> here is another update for you all to enjoy. Its a bit angsty so I'm not sure how much enjoyment there will actually be! Haha
> 
> Magnus is going through some stuff so bear with him.
> 
> Just a quick little note, the last time that I posted a chapter I had a few pretty nasty comments left on here - I think they may even have been from the same user. I've deleted them all but they still hurt a little when you put a lot of work into creating something. Heed the tags and if you don't enjoy then don't read.
> 
> To all of you beautiful people that leave me lovely things to read... please continue to do so. Its the only motivation I have to update. *snuggles*
> 
> Lots of love xxx

A frantic hour had passed since Alec had found the note. Jace had offered to cover for him with the werewolf mission which was why Alec now stood staring hopelessly at a building he’d never laid eyes on before. He double checked the address and furrowed his brow. He’d patrolled this neighbourhood countless times before and knew it like the back of his hand – or thought he did. Then again, Magnus was the high warlock of Brooklyn. It probably wasn’t too strenuous for him to hide an entire building, even from shadowhunter sight.

The sky was clear. Not a cloud besmirched the pale blue of the sky. The air was humid without the slightest trace of a breeze. A perfect summer’s day by mundane standards. Some childish hopeful part of Alec prayed it was a positive sign for the encounter he found himself putting off now that he’d finally arrived here.

Despite his hammering heart Alec couldn’t force his legs to move any closer. He wiped his clammy hands on his dark jeans and tried to regulate his restless breathing. He didn’t know what he expected to happen by just turning up with no emergency other than the need to make sure Magnus was ok. He knew Magnus could look after himself, probably better than he could. Maybe he should have tried to formulate some sort of plan? More of a speech that would no doubt reduce him to his usual embarrassing stuttering. 

Alec’s eyes skimmed up and down the high rise building again. It didn’t look much from the outside – but then what did he know? Technically he lived in an abandoned church. Suddenly it dawned on him that he knew next to nothing of the mystery that was Magnus Bane. It weighed heavy on Alec that their encounter had been under such extreme circumstances and he found himself second-guessing the reality of it. Magnus’ institute file had stated his interests in luxury, decadence and parties; none of which held any interest to Alec.

Halfway through trying to convince himself to turn around and go home Alec saw an opportunity. Two giggling mundane girls pushed open the door and exited the building paying no notice to Alec’s glamoured form. He lurched forward grabbing the door before it clicked closed and found himself in the lobby of the building. He knew it was probably the wrong thing to do – turn up unannounced. He knew he should have pushed the buzzer outside and asked permission to come up but he couldn’t shake the feeling that Magnus might send him away. He just needed to set eyes on him. 

He found the building’s stairwell and made the long climb to the top floor hoping the burn from the incline in his thighs would eat away at some of the guilt he was feeling. He walked the length of the top floor corridor his eyes searching each door for penthouse 1. For everything the building lacked on the outside, the inside seemed rather lavish and Alec felt more out of place than before. 

All of a sudden his heart was in his mouth. He was stood outside Magnus’ door. A singular breadth of panelled wood separating them. He unexpectedly found himself awash with the same insecurities that had been plaguing him since Magnus’ escape. Would he even want to see him? He shut his eyes in attempt to banish them from his thoughts and tentatively knocked the door, waiting for what seemed like an age.

When it finally opened Alec was bathed in natural light flooding from the inside of the loft, blocked only by a singular dark figure. Alec’s eyes immediately beamed on seeing Magnus. He was much changed from their last unfortunate meeting. He wore a loose fitting cotton shirt, the sleeves rolled up just below his elbows, and tight black pants. His hair was perfectly styled and those emotive eyes that Alec often found himself lost in were kohl-rimmed. The pair of them stood staring for a little while, not knowing what to say or do. Alec had the inner workings of his heart plastered across the emotions on his face whereas Magnus stood stoic and unreadable. 

Magnus’ smooth velvety voice broke the silence and Alec thought it was the most beautiful thing he’d ever heard. Free from the pain and sorrow it had been tainted with every time he had heard it prior. Alec released a relived sigh and a small smile pulled at the corner of his mouth, not taking in a word the warlock was saying.

“Alec – Is there something wrong? Do you need help? You don’t seem hurt” Magnus repeated abruptly searching Alec’s body for any signs of injury.

Alec shook his head, pulling himself from his blissful thoughts to the awkward reality of this doorstep conversation. 

“Uh – no. I’m fine. There’s no emergency. It’s just…I got your note.” Alec responded, feeling it a wholly inadequate response.

“Huh. Then, why are you here?” Magnus asked moving a hand to grasp around the skin of his wrist, much like he had the last time Alec had seen him. The gesture unnerved Alec a little.

“I came to… see if you’re ok, I guess. I mean… I’ve been looking for you, but…are you ok?” Alec asked his eyes awkwardly darting anywhere but the warlock’s face. Such a simple question seemed unfitting for what Magnus had gone through and it seemed evident in the heavy tension that hung in the air between them.

Magnus didn’t answer and moved his arms around himself protectively, creating more of a barrier between them. Alec released a sympathetic sigh and tried to calm the panic building in his stomach. Yes, Magnus seemed physically in a better state but he still worried Alec. He tried to pull apart Magnus’ fears in his head, his hesitations and associations. He tried to remember the part of Magnus that once associated Alec with relief and small comforts. He must be buried in there somewhere. Alec steeled himself and looked up at the warlock’s uncertain face.

“Look,” Alec started pulling the sleeve of his jumper up bearing the inside of his left wrist so that Magnus could see the wide triangular shaped scar there. “When I was little, my sister and I stole two seraph daggers from the armoury and decided we’d train like ‘real’ shadowhunters. Cutting a long story short, we got a little over zealous and ended up shattering one of the institute windows. I fell down on the glass and ended up with this. I hadn’t had my rune ceremony yet so it had to heal the mundane way and the scar never faded. Not many people know about it… me and Izzy aside, so it wouldn’t be regenerated in any glamour…if anyone ever tried. Magnus…if you need me to show you this to prove that it’s me, to prove that I’m not going to hurt you then…”

Magnus let a small smirk caress the corner of his mouth. “I know you’re not here to hurt me…the wards around the building are designed to neutralise anyone with malicious intent.”

Alec pulled his jumper sleeve down seemingly defeated as Magnus’ unreadable expression returned. 

“If you ask me to leave, then I’ll go” Alec said, his voice suddenly small. 

Magnus looked unsure, his arms still draped around himself. He slowly moved to the side so that the entrance to his loft was unblocked and nodded his head for Alec to follow him inside. He carefully shadowed Magnus into the loft closing the door quietly behind him.

The loft was everything he expected it to be, adorned with rich and royal colour tones. Comfortable sofas and expensive looking artworks littered the living area, and then there was Magnus. The person that was supposed to pull all of this luxury together, to embody it, looked a little lost in his own home and it made Alec ache inside.

“Drink?” Magnus offered Alec, snapping his fingers and conjuring a martini for himself. Alec shook his head needing to break this facade. They needed to have a difficult conversation but Magnus was keeping him at arm’s length with small talk. Alec decided to bite the bullet and dive right in.

“Magnus, you know it was real. Right? What we…” 

“ _Don’t_ …” Magnus interrupted his eyes suddenly warning, the first time his resigned front had slipped.

“Help me understand? Talk to me. Let me just…just do _something. Anything_.”

Magnus took a sip from his drink but Alec could see that his jaw was clenching. Alec was trying to be sensitive, trying to be gentle but he had never been good at doing nothing. He needed to fix it. He couldn’t bear that his people had done this. The fact that they had taken this beautiful being and broken him so profoundly was gnawing away at his conscience. He wanted to hold Magnus, to help him heal but the fact that his face was probably part of the problem was beyond frustrating. Alec could see that frustration coursing through Magnus’ body and in his raised tone when he spoke.

“What do you want me to say Alec?! Do you want me to admit it? That I let him get into my head? That I wasn’t hurt when he came wearing your face? That I let myself trust you _foolishly_ only to have it used as a tool against me!”

Alec stood rooted to the ground, a metaphorical punching bag for Magnus’ words. If that’s what he needed then Alec would take it. He would never admit that it didn’t hurt like hell hearing it all and he felt a sting from behind his eyes. Not thinking, he took a step towards Magnus reaching out for the clenched fist at his side. Magnus flinched and moved backwards looking hurt by the very gesture and Alec’s body sagged a little. 

“I just want to help…” Alec tried softly, not knowing what else to say.

Magnus sighed and released some of the tension in his shoulders. His volume returned to normal but Alec could feel the anger surging below the surface of his words.

“I know… and I know it’s not your fault. Quite the opposite, but I feel so much _rage_ …and _anger_...towards him, your mother, and your people for everything! The very reason I’m in this position is for someone I care for, and I wouldn’t change that…but Alec, I’m _done_ letting people in. It only ever ends in heartache. _This_ ,” he gestured between them, “would only end in heartache.”

Alec slowly shook his head feeling what little hope and spirit he had inside die. The sting behind his eyes was threatening to ruin his ability to formulate anything remotely understandable. He felt the tears begin to pool at the corners of his eyes but he wouldn’t let them fall. He had no right to cry now. It would seem pathetic in light of everything Magnus had gone through. 

“You’re angry at the shadowhunters…and it’s deserved. Magnus, you’re allowed to be angry…but _please_ …don’t…are you angry at me?” Alec ventured not knowing if he wanted an answer. He was a shadowhunter after all. The association alone may be too much. The very sight of the runes etched on his skin might be too much.

Magnus heaved a defeated sigh, placing his drink down on a side table. He squeezed his eyes shut and pressed his fingers into them. “I’m just angry” was all he offered.

When his eyes opened again Alec searched them desperately for any sign of hope, any entry way back to Magnus’ heart. All he saw was exhaustion and pain. Giving up he dropped his eyes and it caught on the scarred tissue poking out of the collar of Magnus’ shirt – the permanent mark of the Verlac crest. An immortal reminder binding Magnus to what he had suffered for the rest of his long lifetime. 

Catching Alec’s lingering gaze Magnus placed a self-conscious hand towards the bottom of his neck covering the mark from sight. He dropped his eyes to the ground. 

“I can’t heal it. I’ve tried everything I can think of…” His voice was small and vulnerable.

“We’ve all got our scars…” Alec tried, smiling softly offering his left wrist again.

Magnus hummed in agreement and an awkward silence fell between them again. Why was this so difficult? Alec broke the heavy tension once more.

“Why did you reach out to me?” he asked.

Magnus lifted his head and he started to scratch at his wrist again. Alec felt the butterflies in his stomach hammering under his direct gaze.

“Because I owe you. You kept your word. The offer still stands by the way…if you’re ever in need. I should have sent word sooner…but I was so angry. I-I’m sorry.” Magnus said quietly.

“Don’t apologise” replied Alec watching as Magnus’ eyes seemed to take on a glassy haze. He longed to close the distance between them. To tell Magnus that he was here for him, for whatever he wanted. That he never had to apologise for anything, never had to be afraid again. That Alec would watch out for him. All that came out was a lowly and desperate “Magnus…what can I do to prove myself to you? To _help_?”

Magnus turned around faced the glorious summers day through his balcony windows. His voice came in a low whisper filled with regret.

“Just…leave me alone.”

Alec was glad the warlock missed the hurt expression on his face. He didn’t want to make things worse for him. He rubbed his hand up through his hair awkwardly not knowing whether to stay or leave. He had promised to leave when asked but this couldn’t be the end, could it? There was so much still unsaid. There was so much Alec wanted to know. He felt an unexplainable pull towards to warlock. He wanted to know him, truly know him, outside of the prejudice and rules that surrounded his overbearing life. 

Feeling frustrated and a little numb Alec turned to leave the loft, a crushing force pushing down on his chest. As the door clicked shut behind him he winced as he heard an almighty smash from inside the loft – there goes the martini glass.


	11. Fervour

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi all!
> 
> The comments that were left on the last chapter have honestly given me life! Thank you so much!  
> Its so nice to get so much positivity back after that little crappy patch of negativity.  
> Its spurred me on a little I think - this is a bit of a shorter chapter though.  
> I felt I needed to fill some characters out.  
> I've got the next few chapters mapped but I start back work on Monday so hoping to plod along with it.
> 
> I hope you like this one - very Alec centric, slightly angsty I suppose. Little bit of Malec at the end. Sorry for any typos.  
> A lot of Malec interaction next chapter I promise!
> 
> Enjoy and let me know your thoughts beautiful people!  
> I'm also on tumblr as TeachMePatience1 if you want :)  
> xx

“We’re about to head out …forward me any further information ok? Mom?”

Alec swung his head around the corner and into his mother’s dreary office only to see her pouring over a thick file on her desk. He paced in a little further placing his bow over his shoulder.

“ _Mom_ ” he repeated more sharply.

Maryse looked up from her desk as if brought back to reality. Her face looked strained and tired before she schooled it back into the firm disciplined expression Alec was used to. He heaved a sigh when he realised just who’s file she’d been pouring through before she snapped it closed. It had been two days since Alec’s ill-fated visit to Magnus and his thoughts were all over the place. He was still worried for the warlock but on top of that, Alec found he couldn’t bury himself in work like usual.

He found himself second-guessing almost any mission that involved downworlders of any kind. His eyes had been opened and now he couldn’t find a way to close them again – did he even want to? When it came to shadowhunter treatment of downworlders Alec knew things often became a little extreme. He couldn’t help but think that, had it been a fellow shadowhunter that was being dealt with, matters would be concluded in a more amicable way. Aggression, superiority, over-confidence, taunts…when had this behaviour become the norm? Of course he knew that not all shadowhunters behaved this way, and not all downworlders were innocent but surely there had to be a less predatory way to bring people in?

Alec decided to press the matter against his better judgement, knowing he’d probably kick himself for it later.

“When are you going to stop chasing him mom?” he tried softly.

“Who?” Maryse asked, her eyes flitting up to Alec’s face.

“Magnus Bane” he replied firmly, holding her gaze with as much confidence as he could muster. 

He knew this would be a mistake but he couldn’t, wouldn’t, allow himself to be stopped. He soon recognised frustration lurking behind his mother’s eyes as she clenched her jaw and pushed the file away to the corner of her desk.

“It took years for you to find him and now he’s gone again? I mean… you’re so resourceful. Don’t waste it all on one warlock.”

Maryse smiled a saccharine smile of acknowledgement, as if she’d heard what her son had said but decided against acknowledging it. She wasn’t giving him anything and Alec wasn’t sure how far to push her. He didn’t want her suspecting that he had an interest in stopping her hunt for Magnus but similarly, he felt like he hadn’t really made his point. 

“I know it’s more you that’s interested in him rather than the clave” he continued with a little more fervour. 

That did it. Her pinched expression dropped and changed into one of defensive anger as she slowly rose from her desk. Alec had been hoping to goad her into a bit of a political debate. All of a sudden he felt like he was ten years old again and about to receive a scolding.

“You’ve been speaking to Lydia I take it?” she fumed.

“I – yeah…she said” Alec tried but he lacked authority over his mother’s interruptions.

“I assume she agrees with you that we are _wasting_ resources looking for Magnus Bane?! My own son siding against me! I am doing my _job_ Alec! What do you or Miss Branwell know about running an institute?!”

“N-nothing yet…but maybe one day…I…look, it was just an idea…” Alec sighed, trying to de-escalate the situation. He hadn’t counted on his mother’s intuition. Her scorn for Lydia was getting the better of her and Alec thought maybe he’d been a little insensitive.

“There won’t be a _one day_ for you Alec! Not if you continue to side with the likes of her. I want you nowhere near her! She’s trying to usurp positions from those they rightly belong to. I will make this right! Just do what I ask you!”

Alec stood silently listening as his mother berated him. He knew she felt threatened by Lydia’s presence here but hadn’t seen his mother this worked up in a long time. His heart was racing that he’d been the cause of it but he just needed to plant seeds of thought for her to ponder. Was she even capable of dropping this hunt?

“Just…just think about it mom. I think it would be good…” he started again softly but Maryse interrupted him again. 

“Alexander! I _accepted_ you despite everything that you _are_ so please just do what you’re told!” she screamed and then abruptly stopped herself seeing the hurt that had flashed across her son’s face. 

Alec took a step back flinching at her words. He’d never told her, never told anyone actually but most people close to him had figured it out regardless. Jace had tried to have a conversation about it once but stopped sensing Alec’s discomfort. He’d never had it thrown at him like this before though. Like it was something to be held against him, a weapon to use.

“ _Don’t_ call me that” Alec shouted angrily.

He briskly stormed out of his mother’s office ignoring the look of horror and regret on his mother’s face as she slowly slumped back into her chair.

* * *

Alec winced as he thrust his dagger upwards into the midst of the Raum demon bearing him to the ground. That was the last of them. He lay on his back in the deserted alleyway, breaths rolling in and out of his heaving chest. The smell of dissipated demon was sickening and he was covered in ichor and blood. A hunt was what he’d needed following the scene with his mother. He’d needed to vent his frustrations and anger on someone – something. 

A thickening condensation blowing from a nearby vent made him cough a little and he winced again as he tried to sit up. Bringing a hand down to his side he realised that the blood he was covered in was his own. He pulled his jumper up a little, grimacing when peeling the sticky material off his raw skin. Underneath sat a deep black-looking gash. Alec groaned letting his jumper fall back down to cover it, silently grateful that the black material couldn’t show him how much blood he’d actually lost. He’d need to use an iratze and looked around for his stele. Suddenly Alec had a thought. It was desperate and maybe a little needy but he could make it work.

He shuffled backwards a little intending to use the wall to help him up when Jace rounded the corner looking almost as bad. Alec watched as Jace bent to pick up Alec’s discarded bow at the end of the alleyway and offered a hand to his parabatai.

“Did we get them all?” he asked heaving Alec to his feet.

“Think so” Alec replied firmly, trying not to show that he’d been hurt.

“You ok?” Jace asked handing back the bow.

“Yeah…you?”

“I’m good. So…wanna tell me what that was about? You were like something possessed” Jace smirked as they slowly turned the corner leaving the alleyway behind them.

Alec pressed his mouth into a straight line, partially to hide the pain but also because he’d didn’t want to talk about what had happened between him and their mother. Alec liked that Jace didn’t press him to talk if he didn’t want to but her words had been slowly gnawing away at him. 

_Despite everything you are…_

The sting of those words had hurt more than any wound ever could. Alec didn’t know when the lines between his mother and his superior had become so blurred. He was ashamed to say that it upset him more than he wanted it to. He wiped a hand across his face, pretending to rid it of any grime from the fight but really needing to disperse the tears that had formed at his eyes.

Sticky and tired, they drifted gradually through the various streets of Brooklyn. The streetlights had started to flicker to life and there was a slight evening chill to the air. The city glow reflected off Jace’s hair allowing him to move like a beacon in the night. Alec had never felt more in the dark.

A little while passed before Alec broke their comfortable silence, trying to keep his pained breathing in check.

“Jace…does it bother you? You know, that I…that I like guys?” Alec winced as the tightened words forced their way from his throat. They’d never talked about this. He’d shut it down last time but he both needed and didn’t want the reply.

Jace just smirked up at him, posture relaxed and continued his regular pace beside his brother.

“Does it bother you that I like girls?” he countered softly.

Alec scoffed and let out a laugh as most of the tension drained from his body. That was all he’d needed. All the conversation they needed to have for Alec to feel at ease again. He stopped underneath the next streetlight waiting for Jace to do the same and met his eyes carefully.

“I’m gonna go and see him.”

Jace let out a loud groan. “Ughhh…because that worked out so well the last time. Alec, do you even know what you’re _doing_?”

“Wasn’t it you that told me to stop stuttering my way through life? Stop being so _rigid_. Take chances…or something” Alec countered, trying to steer Jace away from another Magnus related conversation.

“I meant maybe visit a bar with me once in a while” Jace teased.

“No you didn’t” Alec replied with a serious look. They both knew that Jace had been a contributing factor to Alec slowly and steadily becoming more comfortable with himself as the years passed. He wasn’t completely there yet but it was an improvement. 

“No I didn’t. Fine.” Jace sighed letting his shoulders drop. “I’ll go to Hunter’s Moon for an hour Alec, because last time I went back to the institute without you Verlac was asking questions. I’m telling you he is not letting this go.”

“Thanks” Alec muttered suddenly feeling awash with gratitude for his parabatai and everything he’d already done for him, and for Magnus.

“God knows you’ve covered for me enough times” Jace smirked and winked leaving his brother alone under the street lamp. “One hour!” he shouted over his shoulder trying his best to smooth his ichor stained jacket as he disappeared out of sight.

Alec dropped against the nearest lamp post as soon as Jace was gone. Bringing a shaking hand to side he pressed down on his throbbing wound. His breathing was rattled and he had started to feel dizzy. Now all that remained was to get himself to Magnus’ in one piece – well, sort of. He knew Magnus wouldn’t turn him away if he genuinely needed help. The fact that he’d let his injury worsen to the point where an iratze would probably no longer help was just a testament to how in over his head he was. 

Alec pulled his bow further over his shoulder and started walking. One foot in front of the other. He knew he wasn’t far away. He just had to keep walking. His posture was slightly bent and it pained him to keep his eyes open and on the ground. He could see small bloody spots on the pavement below his feet – were they his? He noticed the hand held firmly at his side was now drenched in the stuff. He started to feel hot and could feel sweat trickling down the back of his neck. His knees felt weak and his body felt light, and not his own. He was starting to doubt if he’d even make it as far as Magnus’ loft. He’d been rash. This was a terrible decision and he knew it was his own senseless fault.

“No, no…come on” he goaded himself on. 

Alec believed that when your own physical presence told you to stop, that there was nothing left, then only a stubborn mentality can pull you through. He’d only walked two blocks but felt like he’d gone twelve rounds with a greater demon. He staggered his way to the front door having no choice but to push the buzzer this time. He didn’t wait for an answer just held down the button and spoke into the intercom, pain lacing through his voice.

“Magnus…Its Alec…I know you said…but I could do with that help you offered…”

Alec waited, his bloody hands against the wall trying to hold himself steady. This was a reckless plan – he’d been foolish to even think of it in the first place. He felt guilty but something deeper within him needed this, needed to see Magnus. This was his chance, probably the last one he’d have, to convince the warlock that he would fix things. That he had been genuine and that if Magnus ever wanted something, anything from Alec then he could have it. 

Something buzzed and Alec pushed the front door open entering into an empty lobby. He pushed the elevator button deciding that the stairs would probably bring about an early death. He stepped inside when it arrived and pushed the button for the top floor. He wanted to lean against the elevator wall and let himself slide into a sitting position. He desperately wanted to let his eyes close and pull him under to sleep but he couldn’t give in. With eyes half-lidded he swayed awkwardly, droplets of black blood dripping down his trouser leg and on to the immaculate floor. He juddered when the elevator stopped and staggered out finding Magnus’s door. He wearily knocked and let his bow drop down haphazardly on to the corridor floor. 

When Magnus opened the door Alec couldn’t stop the pained smile that crossed his face. Seeing the warlock stood in front of him was the shot of adrenaline that Alec had needed. Magnus looked so comfortable in his evening wear, no jewellery with only minimal make-up. It made Alec realise how disgusting he must look tarnishing the hallway in blood, sweat and ichor. Judging by the shocked expression the warlock was currently sporting he probably looked less than his best.

“Its ok…I don’t bite” Alec mumbled incoherently, smirking to himself knowing he was throwing the first words Magnus ever spoke to him right back at him. 

Magnus’ eyes hesitated on Alec’s face and for a moment Alec felt that familiarity again, fleeting as it was. His mind had started swimming and he knew that if he didn’t sit down soon then his body was going to give up on him. He couldn’t mess this up though. The tension was too thick between them and he didn’t want to say the wrong thing like he always did. Still swaying on the spot, Alec watched the warlock slowly reach out a hand for his left hand and grasp it softly. His touch was light, like the brushing of feathers. It made Alec feel light-headed. Their eyes didn’t leave one another’s and Alec wasn’t sure, maybe he’d lost too much blood, but he thought he felt Magnus’ thumb circling and feeling for the small scar on his wrist. 

The moment lasted not half a minute but it was enough to give Alec hope. Before he knew it Magnus had bent to collect the bow from the floor and pulled him gently into the comfort of the loft.


	12. Purge

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone!
> 
> Thanks for the amazing comments everybody left on the last chapter.  
> I was so worried that now we are a month into the hiatus *sobs* that there wouldn't be much interest in shadowhunters fics at the moments but its really nice to see everybody still engaging and keeping it alive. Feeding me well!
> 
> I've written this and re-written it a few times wanting it to be good for guys but I think I've driven myself slightly crazy now so just take it as it is! Haha... I did a brief typo check but I'm only human and have worked a long day today.
> 
> Malec heavy chapter awaits you... talk to me afterwards. I've grown pretty fond of you lot :)
> 
> Tumblr - Teachmepatience1

As soon as Alec crossed the threshold into Magnus’ loft the warlock consciously relinquished any physical contact between them and motioned for Alec to head to the couch. On unsteady legs Alec headed to the comfortable embrace of the sofa in the living area, letting his head drop heavily back. He watched with drowsy eyes as Magnus left his bow by the door and sat down gently on the coffee table in front of him. There was still a nervous energy about him but he seemed calmer, as if concentrating on the fact that Alec was bleeding out on his sofa gave him purpose. 

“Can you…” Magnus asked uneasily, indicating he needed Alec to lift his jumper and reveal the wound.

Alec clenched his jaw and squeezed his eyes shut as he slowly tried to peel back the material that had glued itself to his side. Congealed blood and fragments of flayed skin came away with the ruined fabric and Alec released a relieved gasp as soon as he had it clear of the infected area. His hand was shaking, using what little energy he had to keep his jumper out of the way for Magnus to work. Alec kept his eyes fixed upwards, tracing the ceiling lines, desperately needing the pain to stop. He was unfocussed, watching small black flecks dance across his vision. He had so much to say to Magnus but he couldn’t gather any rational thoughts.

“Magnus…” he started incoherently but found he couldn’t get any more out.

Then he felt it. Magic. It was different to last time. In the Institute cells it had felt like a lightning strike; a snake bite, enflamed and unexpected. A turbulent thrumming of uncharted voltage binding him and rendering him helpless. He’d felt immobile and exposed, a suffocating current coursing his body. This felt warm and comforting, like a fond forgotten memory. His eyes swam as he saw dandelion seeds riding a warm autumn breeze and felt the low evening sun on his face. Alec’s anxiety yielded to the tranquillity of his mind and a thankful groan escaped his lips. The pain was ebbing away, smothered by a tender glow. He felt his senses returning a little and brought his gaze down to see soft blue tendrils flowing and caressing his side. He watched Magnus’ concentrated face feeling a surge of gratitude and guilt. He didn’t know how long he’d even been sat here, floating in the warm sea of magic.

Magnus lowered his hands and tentatively lifted his eyes to Alec’s, giving an acknowledging smile. Alec pulled his stained jumper back down and sat forward a little so that they were facing one another. His peripheral vision caught sight of the ruined sofa he was sat on, as well as the blood trail to it and suddenly the blissful afterglow of Magnus’ magic was replaced with remorse.

“Oh…Magnus, I’m sorry. For the couch…and the” he waved an arm at the blood spots on the carpet. “I-I can pay you for them, and for your services…” Alec offered a little exasperated. 

Magnus’ eyes sparked with humour briefly before quickly returning to their former uncertainty. “Its fine Alec, I owed you a favour. Try not to do anything too strenuous for the next day or so” he said impassively, shuffling back slightly to keep a safe distance between them.

“Thanks” Alec said gratefully, hands fumbling in his lap.

They sat in silence for a little, watching one another. Alec didn’t want to break the quietness that had suddenly overcome the warlock, afraid he would say the wrong thing again, so he just sat there and waitied. He was afraid that Magnus might get angry again and tell him to leave. He knew something was going on, something had its claws grasped firmly in the warlock’s mind. The silence grew as Magnus’ eyes flickered over him, his face decaying in front of Alec. He seemed empty and damaged beneath a supposedly ‘good as new’ exterior.

“You’ve got some of the same gear as him…did you know that?” Magnus asked quietly avoiding Alec’s gaze.

“Yeah. I-its standard issue.” Alec replied apologetically, his fumbling fingers rushing to try and remove the thigh holster that he currently wore.

“Its fine, Alec.” Magnus held up a hand to stop him. “I’m fine.”

“Why are you calling me that?” Alec asked a little hesitantly.

Magnus shrugged and shuffled uneasily under Alec’s questioning stare and started tracing his fingers around his wrist nervously. 

“Do you want me to leave?” The very suggestion made Alec’s throat tighten but he so desperately needed to ease the warlock’s tension. 

Magnus looked up, eyes big and afraid. “Do you want to leave?” he asked softly in reply.

“No” Alec managed to choke out. He wanted to close the distance between them, to help Magnus put the pieces of himself back together. He wanted him to scream at him, take his anger out at him, cry on him; anything. The small gap between their awkward sitting bodies felt more like miles.

“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have taken my anger out on you last time.” Magnus said unexpectedly, bringing his arms up around himself.

“Stop apologising will you?” Alec smiled softly, hoping to ease the pressure around them a little.

Magnus smiled a little in response and his eyes softened but when he spoke he sounded sorrowful.

“Your name… It’s because…I cared. I was attached, too attached. There was a-a bond, I suppose. No more _Alexander_ from me. I can’t, wont, allow myself to get attached to a shadowhunter. Especially when the warlocks…” Magnus cut himself off, seemingly trying to decide whether to continue.

 _Alexander_ … Alec hadn’t noticed the affectionate lilt on his full name when it came from Magnus. He’d missed how it sounded, and that was bittersweet. He suddenly felt hot, moving to push the sleeves of his jumper up to his elbows. His throat was dry and his chest ached. Alec sat with a pained expression, facing the man that had wandered through his thoughts and dreams for weeks. He watched as Magnus’ eyes lingered on his scarred wrist. Magnus was hurting, he knew that, but he would wait. As long as it took.

“I asked my mother to stop coming after you” Alec said gently. 

Magnus’ eyes widened and he raised his eyebrows, seemingly surprised. 

“And how did that go?” Magnus asked, probably already knowing the answer.

“Not great. She got pretty mad” Alec laughed, trying his best to cover the hurt that crossed his face at the unwanted memory. “I’ll try again though.”

“Why?” Magnus’ face stayed unreadable.

“I told you I’d fix it, right? I-I just want to…I don’t know, help…If you would, m-maybe talk to me? I could help…or just listen…whatever you want. You’re safe with me, you know that, right? ” Alec mumbled not wanting his words to come out wrong, fully aware that he’d been half dead a short while ago and posed no threat whatsoever.

Magnus searched Alec’s face and heaved a defeated sigh. He lifted himself from the coffee table and sat on the opposite end of the couch that Alec currently occupied, leaving a large unoccupied void between them. Alec watched the tension drain from the warlock’s shoulders as he rested his head on the back of the couch.

“What do you want to know?” Magnus whispered woefully, staring at the ceiling.

“I don’t _want_ to know anything Magnus. I’ll listen…just, speak your mind. Get it out.”

Magnus rolled his head to the side slightly, surveying Alec’s blood-stained face with a side glance. Alec hoped he knew he was genuine. He so desperately wanted to help and, although the warlock seemed to have eased a little, he was still not comfortable in himself.

“The warlocks want to rebel. They want to hit the New York Institute. They want revenge and they know many of the other downworlders would follow them. They want me to lead it.” 

Alec knew Magnus’ eyes were scrutinising his reactions. He’d led with this to test him, to test his loyalties. The institute was aware of the disquiet in the warlock community since word had got out of the High Warlock’s arrest but Alec felt a little sick at the thought of Magnus leading it. He wouldn’t be able to go up against him, would he? Alec tried to keep the inner turmoil from his face and decided they could discuss the politics later. He’d promised to listen. He wanted Magnus to know he could trust him again, trust that it was ok for him to be vulnerable again.

Magnus watched him carefully, analysing his body language and expression. On seeing Alec settle back into the couch Magnus returned his gaze to the ceiling and continued.

“For what it’s worth I told them it was the wrong choice. By taking revenge we’d be as bad as you… the institute I mean. The warlocks didn’t take it well. Some are doubting my abilities lead…to act on their best interests. Some are even saying that…that I’m playing double agent, that I can’t be trusted…that _this_ ,” he pulled at the collar of his shirt revealing the top of the brand on his skin, “is proof.”

Magnus’ eyes had glazed over, his voice wavering and breaking at varying points and Alec’s palms itched to reach over and make physical contact. He clasped them together on his lap, knowing how his last few attempts at touch had gone.

“I won’t lose them,” Magnus continued wearily. “They’re right though, to doubt me. I’m trying…to get back to normal. I’ve been taking clients but I can’t organise my thoughts. Things are different. I-I’m different and I don’t want to be.”

“Different how?” Alec asked, knowing he probably shouldn’t but Magnus was finally opening up a little and he couldn’t help himself.

Alec saw the tears gathering at the corner of Magnus’ eyes and knew he was trying desperately to keep them from falling. 

“Different like…I can’t bear the idea of a bath. They used to relax me but now, the water… and I’m on edge all the time, even with friends. The slightest sudden movement or touch… its infuriating but that…that fear just hits me and I go back there…with _him_ …and his every touch was so… It just makes me feel so… _weak_.”

Alec watched as a tear fell down Magnus’ cheek, it quickly being wiped away. Magnus leant in on himself and tried to recompose his thoughts. Alec tried desperately to catch his eye but he was avoiding all form of contact. 

“I don’t think you’re weak” Alec said, voice barely above a whisper.

Magnus scoffed and dropped his gaze to the floor. “I have nightmares…the so-called High warlock of Brooklyn has nightmares. I woke up last night convinced someone had got into the loft, I’d heard something smash… you know what it was?” 

Alec shook his head trying to keep the pity from his stinging eyes.

“It was _me_. My magic…reacting to a nightmare. I smashed everything; mirrors, windows, ornaments…”

Alec watched the warlock hold his head in his hands, clearly frustrated at the way that his magic was betraying the chaos of his mind. Alec turned to face him, shuffling forward a tiny fraction. The thought of Magnus tossing and turning, unable to wake himself and escape from Sebastian’s grasp hurt him like nothing he’d ever felt before. He wanted Magnus to have company and comfort instead of waking alone and scared in the dark. 

“You want to know what I think?” Alec asked softly, needing this to come out right.

“Enlighten me” Magnus mumbled, face still pressed into his hands.

“I think…every time you have a nightmare and go back…there…your magic lashes out, to protect you. You know, because last time, it couldn’t. It’s trying to keep you safe.” 

Magnus slowly lifted his face, turning to Alec. His eyes were warm for the first time in a long time, expression unguarded and gentle. Alec hoped he didn’t think him childish. Believing that Magnus’ magic was trying to shield the warlock whilst he was vulnerable was the only thing calming Alec’s worries. That probably sounded silly but he felt compelled to share it anyway.

Alec knew in the back of his mind that he’d have to leave soon. Jace would be waiting and he’d be damned if he roused Sebastian’s suspicions any further. A sense of dread overcame him. He was finally getting somewhere, taking baby steps, and he didn’t want to leave Magnus isolated and consumed with doubt. A sense of urgency overtook him all of a sudden but he remained calm and still for Magnus’ sake.

“Magnus…I want to…I’m going to touch you…ok?” Alec’s voice was low and he slowly lifted his hand and extended it so that it hovered in the ambiguous space that lay between them. 

Magnus didn’t say anything, glassy eyes flickering between Alec’s face and the hand moving painstakingly slowly towards him. The warlock shuffled uneasily where he sat and Alec slowed to a halt when the loft lights above him started to flicker in warning. He wasn’t afraid of the warlock’s magic and gave Magnus a minute before continuing. His stomach lurched when his fingers grazed the warlock’s cheek, keeping his touch as feather light as possible. Alec’s hand gently cradled Magnus’ face as if he were made of Venetian glass. Alec held his breath, waiting for a response, anything.

The anxiety in the air broke when Magnus released a long uneven breath and tears fell silently from his eyes. He leaned his head in ever so slightly to the warmth of Alec’s palm, clasping his own hands firmly in his lap. Alec didn’t want to move, didn’t want to see worry and hesitation creep back into Magnus’ face.

“You trusted me once…” Alec whispered. He watched as Magnus opened his eyes, wet and defenceless. There was an aching need behind them. Alec moved his hand to thumb away the dampness under Magnus’ eyes and the warlock gave a sad smile. 

“Don’t make me care for you Alec, _please_ …I can’t…” Magnus breathed out, voice broken. Agony on his face, he pulled himself back leaving Alec’s hand caressing nothing but air. 

Without intending Alec had bared himself to Magnus, here in this hidden loft. He’d come here injured and vulnerable, left all of his defences at the door and worn his heart on his sleeve in hope of giving comfort and care. Watching Magnus pull away from the contact he desperately needed hurt Alec so much more because of the pretences he didn’t have here. 

Alec brought his hand back to his lap then stood from the couch gingerly, still a little stiff from his injury. He needed to go, he’d stayed too long but he knew it was the wrong time to leave. There would never be a right time.

“I need to go Magnus, Jace is…he’s waiting…Its not, I-I don’t want to go but I have to.”

Wiping his face, Magnus nodded and moved to lead Alec silently towards the door. He pulled it slowly open, eyes downwards leaving the exit unobstructed. Alec collected his bow, throwing it over his shoulder and paused clumsily.

“What will you do about the warlocks?” he asked cautiously.

“I don’t know” Magnus shrugged. “I think I can convince most of them but there’s so much unrest.”

“You’re _strong_ Magnus” Alec said firmly startling the warlock a little. “I’ve seen it, remember? You’re so strong. Just…remember that, alright?”

Magnus opened his mouth to say something and then thought better of it. Alec smiled a solemn goodbye and walked through the open door back into the hotel corridor, a weight pressing down on him. Turning back to face Magnus he couldn’t help but ache at the thought of him shutting himself away again.

“Magnus?” he asked his voice small.

“Hmm?” 

“Can I come back here? T-to see you again…I mean…” Alec stuttered nerves taking a firm chokehold at the thought of not being allowed to return.

Magnus’ face immediately reverted to the same unreadable expression Alec had battled with all night. The only difference being a longing need lingering behind his eyes.

“I don’t think that’s a good idea…” Magnus started but was interrupted.

“Don’t say no… _please_ don’t say no.”

Magnus looked tense, pulling at his shirt sleeve. Alec knew what he was doing, trying to keep him at a distance. He didn’t want to take the chance that Alec would cause more hurt, more pain. Alec had never been more committed in his life. He would heal this man, in as many ways as possible. 

“Alec…I _can’t_ …” Magnus started again.

“Just…just don’t say no” Alec repeated frantically, feeling sick.

Magnus held Alec’s gaze and sighed.

“I’m not saying no” he gave a tired smile, “but I think…I think it’s for the best…for both of us.”

Alec felt crushed, sorrow eating away at the relationship he’d hoped they were re-building. He was sure Magnus felt at least an echo of what he felt.  
Magnus slowly closed the door, leaving Alec alone in the corridor. He fell back against the wall, chest beginning to wrack and heave from the raw emotion of the whole evening. A wave of grief bubbled from Alec’s stomach to his throat and he stifled it with a clenched fist, silently sobbing to himself. He didn’t need a brave face any more, couldn’t repress his feelings any longer but it didn’t stop the shame he felt afterwards. This wasn’t pain; he didn’t know the meaning of pain.


	13. Shadows

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi all,
> 
> I apologise for the slow update. I have started back at work and it is really hard to write during the week so am having to do it on the occasional late evening and on weekends. I considered doing the whole hiatus thing but I think I would miss it too much.  
> I am quietly plodding plodding away at it for now, I promise.
> 
> This is a long old chapter and I'm not sure how I feel about it. Not sure its my best and I haven't quite decided how the next one is going to go yet. 
> 
> Take it as it is before I change my mind again and let me know what you think.

The institute was in a state of chaos. Relations with the downworld had reached a new low with small pockets of resistance attacking patrolling shadowhunters. All gathered intelligence stated that the offenders were usual reprobates but that they had garnered new interest from the warlock community following recent events. Peace talks had never been more necessary however the High Warlock was still missing with an active warrant for his arrest. The leader of nearest vampire clan was also allied to Magnus Bane and refusing any communication, and so the institute found itself in the dark with very few friends.

Many blamed the disarray on the current head of the institute. In desperation, Maryse had attempted to call in another senior warlock within the community, Catarina Loss. That hadn’t gone well either. Those who had been attacked whilst on patrol had told of how the downworlders had set upon them with determination and passion. They had made it clear that they would submit to the institute’s tyranny no longer.

Maryse had held a meeting notifying everyone of the threats they had received; that those of note to the clave and those directly involved in the imprisonment of Magnus Bane would be held accountable for their actions. Alec knew that applied to him. His role in guarding Magnus as well as his relationship to the current head of the institute had probably put a gigantic target on his back.

Alec couldn’t bring himself to fret over current affairs. His mind wandered again and again to Magnus. A day had gone by and he hadn’t been back to the loft, he didn’t want to suffocate him. He didn’t want to seem too much and knew Magnus wanted space to heal himself but Alec yearned to feel that connection again. 

Morning sunlight beamed through his open window. Alec watched in a daze as the soft golden rays cast away the shadows from the corners his room. He contemplated its power to chase away even the darkest of things and hoped that Magnus was also finding solace in the banishment of night and its accompanying gloom. Rolling from his bed, Alec wandered to his desk and absent-mindedly grabbed a slip of scrap paper, pausing before writing.

_Magnus, I wanted to thank you again for the other night… And I just wanted to remind you that you’re so much stronger than you think – if you keep looking towards the light then the shadows will always fall behind you._

Alec flipped the paper over in his hand, not sure whether to actually send it. He was terrible with words and couldn’t help but think that Izzy would know what to say. He re-read it again and his cheeks grew red with embarrassment and he crumpled up the paper, throwing it aside. He grabbed another piece of paper and simply wrote,

_Magnus, thanks again for the other night. I really hope you’re ok._

Alec sent the fire message before he had time to talk himself out of it again. Putting his head in his hands he groaned then started gathering his things together to take a shower. He didn’t have too much planned for today, a few minor missions and a de-briefing. He moved into the bathroom and turned on the shower aware that it needed to run for a good five minutes to heat up. Pulling off his crumpled shirt he glanced at his reflection in the mirror. He was still a little banged up. He ran his fingers slowly across the light pink scar left behind from the demon wound, trying to remember the intoxicating feeling of Magnus’ magic again.  


Alec heard a quiet sizzling coming from his room and he wandered back in slowly. His eyes fell on the smoking paper that had dropped on his desk. He hadn’t expected a reply from Magnus. He felt his heartbeat quicken, its echo thudding in his ears as he started to read.

_Alec, I hope you’re healing well. I’m fine – actually managed a few hours sleep last night. I wanted to thank you for listening, and just being there. Please look after yourself, you have a tendency to get into trouble._

Alec was glad no one was around to see the beaming smile that crossed his face as he read. It gave him hope and that was all he needed to keep going at the moment. 

* * *

The day had passed uneventfully, as predicted. Alec had been in an upbeat mood all day which, as many noted, was a little out of character for him. The evening had grown late quickly yet Alec found he couldn’t sleep. He was sat in the Institute’s library sprawled across the sofa attempting to read some work of fiction he’d selected at random. He was failing miserably and placed the book open on his chest, watching it rise and fall with each breath. The crackling from within the fireplace constantly pulled his thoughts back to Magnus’ message. Its tone had felt lighter somehow, and he’d asked Alec to look after himself. Was that something you said to people you didn’t care for? Maybe he was just being polite. Alec wondered if he was reading into this too much and furrowed his brows.

Abrupt heels on the stone flooring entered the room and fractured the peaceful atmosphere. Alec sat up and turned to find his mother before him, her usual ‘head of the institute’ exterior in place. They hadn’t really talked properly since Alec had stormed from her office but on the rare occasion she had addressed him he thought he’d detected a softer tone in her voice. 

“You’re still up” she stated obviously.

“Couldn’t sleep” Alec replied getting up and placing his book back in its place on the antique shelving.

“Good, there has been a request for back up. Two shadowhunters in the field, one down. Demon ambush. It isn’t far, three blocks away. I believe most of them have been taken care of but I said I would send back-up just in case, and to help with any casualties.”

“Sure.” Alec replied expressionless heading towards the armoury, his mother following a little behind him. “Forward me the location. I can be ready to go in ten minutes.”

“I’m going to wake Jace, and maybe see who else is still up. I’ll send them too…behind you. It’s a little dangerous to be out in small numbers at the moment.” Maryse said eyeing Alec cautiously.

Alec halted and held his mother’s gaze, confused by her sudden concern. Patrols had always gone out in pairs, even during times of unrest. Waking Jace seemed a little unnecessary, almost as if his mother wanted him watched. She was doubting his professionalism but why? Suddenly it hit him.

“Who is in the field? Who asked for back-up?” Alec asked firmly. 

“Sebastian Verlac” Maryse stated. She watched Alec for a reaction that he wouldn’t give her the satisfaction of seeing. 

He felt sick. Of all the shadowhunters in the institute it had to be him. Alec would have to guard against more than just demons tonight. He didn’t know if he could fight alongside Verlac knowing everything he had done, knowing how his sadistic mind worked. Could he make his body move to protect him if he got in harm’s way? 

“I’ll go on ahead. Send whoever you want but I know how to do my job mother” Alec said coldly, inwardly doubting his words as he turned his back and disappeared into the corridor’s darkness.

* * *

The moon was a perfect crescent lighting the night’s sky. A cool breeze caressed Alec’s face and swirled the litter along the pavement as he jogged past slumbering buildings. He followed the directions on his phone, silently berating himself for considering leaving Verlac to what he undoubtedly deserved. 

Alec had always been so steadfast in his active duties. He relied heavily on his institutional mindset and reflexes, knowing that he could trust his instincts. Now he wasn’t so sure. He was consumed with self-doubt and hated to admit that he felt a little nervous at not knowing how his body would react to this impending situation.

He heard the commotion before he saw it. The familiar reverberating steel of a seraph blade and the controlled force of somebody fending off an attack. The familiar stench of demon presence filled his nostrils and he couldn’t help but think that he’d never get used to the way it made his insides churn. Alec picked up the pace a little and rounded the corner. He spotted a small grassy clearing littered with skeletal trees obstructing the moon’s light, casting shadows over the scene in front of him. It looked like a small park, probably filled with laughter and pleasure during the day. As it was now, it looked more like something from a mundane horror movie. 

Moonlight bounced off Sebastian’s silver hair as he moved effortlessly, cutting down any demon that dared stray into his path. Alec could see another shadowhunter laying on the ground a little in the distance. He was completely still. Alec moved quickly to reach him, drawing his seraph blade and slashing at a nearby shax demon that had tried to block his path.

“I made a request for help, not another hindrance!” Verlac shouted angrily as soon as Alec was within hearing distance.

“Well I’m what you’ve got so take it or leave it” Alec replied breathing heavily as he fended off another onslaught from the shax demon. He slashed its face whilst sidestepping and the demon shrieked, disintegrating into dust. He reached the unidentified shadowhunter and paused to check for any signs of life. Nothing. His skin had begun to adopt a blue tinge. 

“He’s dead” called Sebastian coldly, overcoming another demon.

Alec rolled his eyes at the lack of compassion in Verlac’s voice. There were only a few demons left, most of them already slain or having made the choice to flee. Alec turned and thrust his blade forwards, into the chest of one. It sprayed ichor before he finished it with a final deadly blow. Turning, he looked for another on-coming attack but found none. Only one demon remained. He watched the way Sebastian’s eyes lit with excitement and relished the way his blade buried itself into the demon. It fragmented into thin air and Verlac turned to survey the field, not hesitating when his eyes passed the body of his partner on the ground. Then his hungry gaze caught Alec’s look of distaste. 

“You can’t even empathise with your own people” said Alec shaking his head, as if he’d been considering the concept all evening. 

“Why should I feel sympathy? It makes you weak” hissed Sebastian moving towards Alec like a predator. “If he’d been a little faster, maybe trained a little harder, then he’d still be alive and I wouldn’t have the misfortune of your company.”

“What the _hell_ is wrong with you? He probably has a family…” Alec started, frustration beginning to gnaw away at his cool composure.

Sebastian stepped a little closer, invading Alec’s personal space but he was adamant he wouldn’t back down. He wouldn’t let Verlac throw his weight around here the way he did at the institute. 

“We all know you’re a sucker for a sob story Lightwood” Verlac interrupted practically spitting Alec’s name.

“And what’s that supposed to mean?” Alec said through gritted teeth, fists clenching at his sides.

“That warlock…you helped him escape. Made me look like a _fool_. Don’t think I haven’t noticed you disappearing off lately.”

Unquenched rage burned behind Verlac’s eyes and although Alec tried not to show it he’d be lying if he said he wasn’t a little unnerved by it. Alec could hide his loathing no longer. He felt a fire burning in his chest and he roughly shoved Sebastian away from him, seraph blade shattering the night’s silence as it hit the floor.

“You’re insane!” Alec shouted. “The things you did...”

“He _deserved_ it.” Sebastian’s voice was low and ravenous, fuelling Alec’s contempt. “Every last lash, every desperate gasping breath, submitting to the knowledge that he is nothing more than what I deem him to be.”

Alec stood rooted to the spot, blood boiling to the core. He clenched his jaw, refusing to break his hateful gaze. He’d never felt this strong of a pull towards physical violence before. He knew Sebastian was goading him and it was working. Self-restraint was normally a strength of his but he was rapidly losing his patience. Sebastian tilted his head mockingly, as if reading Alec’s thoughts.

“What’s the matter Lightwood? Don’t you want to hear how it felt? His neck beneath my hands, how he struggled and begged...”

“Stop” Alec whispered.

“But the best part…watching the confusion when the great _Alexander_ Lightwood chained him up. He let it happen, trusted your words. You should’ve seen the hurt on his face when you beat him over and over...”

“ _Stop!_ ” Alec shouted squeezing his eyes closed, unable to watch Sebastian’s victorious smirk any longer. “Stay the hell away from me.”

They shared a look of mutual loathing, so consumed in it that they failed to notice that they were no longer alone. Four pairs of eyes watched them, taking advantage of their obliviousness from the shadows. It was too late before Alec realised they had company.

A wave of unfamiliar green magic swept over Alec, forcing him to his knees and held him immobile. He strained and pushed against the invisible hold but to no avail. He heard Sebastian release an animalistic growl next to him and knew he was similarly restrained. This felt very different to Magnus’ magic, alien and emotionless somehow. Despite the situation, Alec couldn’t help but enjoy the poetic justice that was Verlac helpless at the hands of warlock magic.

Four figures emerged from the darkness. The first, a young looking blonde boy with his hands held aloft. He was evidently the warlock responsible for their current predicament. The blonde was followed by two others, a female with dark raven hair and green skin and a burly looking leather clad male with long black claws on each hand. Alec guessed they were also warlocks and realised that he was looking at a group of downworlders committed to exacting revenge on shadowhunters. If that really was the case, he knew he was in trouble.

The female bent and picked up the one of the dropped seraph blades. Between their heated spat and then the surprise attack, Verlac and Alec had been caught completely off guard. The warlock handed the blade to the fourth member of the group, fangs clearly on show in a threatening display. The vampire turned up his nose at the angelic weapons, instead pulling out a long dagger that he’d had concealed.

He knelt down in front of Alec who was closest to him and pressed the point of the dagger firmly over his heart. Alec took in his appearance, dark hair and eyes, soft sun-deprived skin and edgy clothing. In life he’d probably belonged to some kind of street gang. The intimidating fangs and menacing tone of voice seemed far more natural to him than any of the other three.

“I wonder what would bother a shadowhunter more…” he mused, “to die by mundane weaponry or be sucked dry by a vampire.”

Alec felt the magic around him tighten and he started to feel dizzy. His eyes flicked up to the blonde warlock currently keeping himself and Verlac on their knees. He looked nervous.

Alec was sure he felt blood starting to seep from his nose down on to his lips and wondered if it was from the suffocating pressure of the magic. The dagger at his chest was beginning to tear into his skin, stinging slightly. He returned his gaze to the stony vampire in front of him. He wasn’t going to give them anything. 

The vampire placed his fingers under Alec’s chin, lifting it and turning his head to expose his neck. Alec clenched his jaw and closed his eyes. He’d never been bitten by a vampire before. Suddenly he found himself re-living all of the irrational fears from monster stories he’d been told throughout childhood. All of the tales Jace had woven to try and scare him and all of the resulting nightmares seemed to take root in his stomach and he felt nauseous. He heard the vampire inhale loudly as if savouring the smell of Alec’s blood. 

“You smell better than the other one,” he said, nodding his head in Sebastian’s direction. “Got nothing to say for yourself shadowhunter?”

“If you’re going to do it just get on with it” Alec gritted out, squirming when he felt the vampire lick the length of his deflect rune.

“I thought you said we were just going to rough them up a bit, send a message…not… kill them. I’m not sure the High Warlo…” the blonde said, his voice wavering a little. He stopped when the vampire held up a hand to silence him.

Alec flinched as much as his body would allow when he heard Sebastian’s voice spit out next to him. 

“Magnus Bane?” 

The vampire sat back and removed the dagger from Alec’s chest, surprised at the interruption. Alec soundlessly released a long and heavy breath. The vampire stood up and loomed over Verlac who was silently raging against the magical bonds.

“And what do you know of Magnus Bane?” he asked.

“Enough to know that if anyone is killing anyone here, he’d want the satisfaction of doing it himself.”

Alec saw Sebastian grinning from the corner of his eye. He resembled a feral animal. Alec tried to calm himself enough to work out what Sebastian was up to but there was too much adrenaline coursing his veins.

“That is…if you trust him enough to believe that he is really on your side. Have you not seen the mark he bears? Never wondered whose crest adorns his skin? He is mine. I _own_ him” Sebastian’s words seemed to spear the downworlders in front of them.

“ _You…_ ” hissed the female warlock, revulsion coursing her body.

“You were implicit in his imprisonment?” asked the clawed warlock, eyes addressing both Alec and Verlac.

Alec had nothing to say in his defence. He was implicit, much as he regretted every last moment of it. It hadn’t been his choice. His hand had been forced…to begin with at least. Why hadn’t he helped Magnus sooner? His pathetic allegiance to his duty and the institute seemed ridiculous to him now, but at the time he’d been so conflicted. He let his eyes dropped to the floor, silently admitting his guilt. 

“I suppose we were, yes” smiled Verlac, pride written all over his face. 

Before Alec knew what was happening, the burly warlock had closed the distance between himself and Sebastian and had struck his face with a clawed fist. Alec heard a crack as it had impacted and Sebastian spat blood, smirk still clinging to his lips.

Alec tensed as he felt the vampire circle back behind him, roughly clawing a hand into his hair from overhead. He didn’t like it, having unfamiliar hands on him. This was not the touch of familial loyalty, platonic friendship or contact on the battlefield. Alec recognised all of those. This was predacious and Alec found his mind calling out for help. He called for Jace, for Izzy, for his mother. Then he called for Magnus, and hated his own selfishness at wanting him there.

Alec’s eyes suddenly widened as he realised what Sebastian was doing. He was goading the downworlders into calling Magnus to their little scene. Verlac knew there was something between Alec and Magnus. He was going to use it to his advantage; to cause a scene and slip away or piggyback any attempt the warlock might make to help Alec, which was unlikely. Alec’s eyes searched the floor, trying to piece together what catastrophes might end up unfolding tonight.

Magnus would arrive and see Alec and Sebastian. He could join his people in exacting revenge, which he was within his rights to. Verlac would probably get the worst of it, if he escaped with his life. Magnus could show Alec no leniency without jeopardising his position with the warlocks. He couldn’t afford for them to lose any more trust in him. 

A small childish part of Alec hoped that Magnus would arrive and help him, would get him away from the clutches of this vampire. He knew it was a fantasy. Magnus would be outcast by his people for siding with the shadowhunters and there was no way Verlac deserved anything even remotely favourable from him. 

“So is he _yours_? Or is he _mine_?” Sebastian jeered as the warlocks all exchanged concerned glances. 

Alec felt a rough tug on his hair, pulling his head backwards. He shuddered as he felt the vampire’s breath at his neck again. The nervous thrumming he felt inside intensified and he was aware that all of the warlocks were looking in his direction, though not at him. They were looking at their leader for instruction, varying hints of uncertainty laced in their expressions.

“Get him here. Make the call” said the vampire from behind Alec’s ear.

The female warlock moved off in the distance. Alec didn’t want this. He didn’t want Magnus to have to make more difficult choices, to face more trauma. He didn’t want him to ever have to face Sebastian again.

Alec felt hot and he tried to keep the anxiety he felt in his stomach from seeping on to his face. He wet his lips, tasting the blood on them and winced at the thought that someone else would soon be sharing that taste. His heart rate doubled and he could feel the blood pumping through his veins. It probably pulsed against his creamy skin, only serving to entice his subjugator further. Alec’s eyes hung on the limp body of the dead shadowhunter in the distance. He heard Sebastian emit a low growl behind him.

He felt something sharp linger at the carotid artery on his neck and squeezed his eyes shut again, pulling his mind back to his training at the institute. Anything to calm his mind. Bracing himself for an unknown pain, he tried to steady his breathing. 

_Think of the light and the shadows will fall behind…_


	14. Lesser

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi all,
> 
> here is another chapter for you to (hopefully) enjoy. Sorry it took a while, I'm trying to update at least once a week. Its difficult with work at the moment. I'll keep going I promise.
> 
> This chapter didn't end how I had planned it to, it was supposed to be a little longer but I am going away to London for the weekend and won't be able to finish it off. I didn't want to leave you with nothing so take it as it is. I can readjust plans for the next chapter so that everything gets in.
> 
> The last chapter, this one and the next are all quite closely linked. Not a huge passage of time...I hope that's ok?
> 
> Please let me know what your thinking, how your feeling. Honestly the comments I get are amazing and really make my day!! Some of them really make me laugh!
> 
> Much love xx

Alec could hear clashing and shouting all around him. He floated through the darkness, unaware of where he was or what had happened until the pain returned to him. Searing and piercing pain. Hurt he deserved, accepted even. His skin had been torn and invaded by pointed fangs. His blood had been stolen, pint by pint until his senses ebbed away and the blackness that he felt within consumed him. He hadn’t struggled, yielding to the recompense that the downworlders desired. Payment for the arrogance of his people and for the treatment of Magnus Bane. He deserved it all.

He tried with difficulty to force his eyes open, seeing only a haze of burred movement in the distance. His cheek was cold and pressed to the stony gravel of the floor. How long had he been lying on the ground? And why was everything so loud? He blinked a few times, trying to get his bearings and used his hands to slowly push himself up on his knees.

“Alec!”

He could see movement everywhere. Flashes of different coloured lights in the distance. Everything was loud, too loud. The familiar crack of Izzy’s whip making contact. Shouting and crashing indistinguishable from one another. Allowing some time for his senses to recuperate, he realised that the flashing wasn’t lighting, it was warlock magic. Magic fending off the attacks of shadowhunters. Alec’s heart sped up and adrenaline kicked in. When had this turned into a battlefield?

Looking for the closest beings to him he noticed his parabatai trying to fight his way forwards. The vampire that had orchestrated this whole affair being the only obstacle in his way. Blood was still freshly smeared around the vampire’s mouth and throat and Alec raised a hand to feel the leaking puncture marks at the side of his throat. Jace clashed and defended himself against the vampire, all the while trying to bring Alec back to full consciousness. 

“Alec! Get up!”

Alec shook his head, trying to blow off the cobwebs that had settled in his mind whilst he’d been on the ground. He could see the warlocks that had set upon them blasting aggressive magic to his left and the dark silhouettes of shadowhunters attacking back; Izzy, Lydia and a few others he couldn’t identify at such long range.

“What happened?” Alec asked groggily, feeling his back pocket for a stele that wasn’t there.

“I’m not sure…” Jace shouted, slashing defensively towards the vampire’s chest. “We turned up, the warlocks got spooked and started attacking. You were already out of it. Then Magnus arrived and was pretty angry and Verlac…”

Jace dodged another attack from the vampire, edging ever closer to where Alec was now hauling himself shakily to his feet. He willed his body to pull energy from where ever he could find it. His eyes had grown wide with worry, searching the field for the two people missing from this scene. 

Suddenly a flash of blue caught in his peripheral vision and pulled him around to an area shrouded in shadow on his right. He squinted his eyes in the dark and inwardly cursed his missing stele. He stood still, ignoring the violence around him and watched for another flash, for another sign of where Magnus was. His eyes roamed over the foliage hiding the edge of the area, scanning the trees for any moving figures. Then suddenly, there is was. A silent blue explosion, edges tinged an angry red like the colours of a gas-light flame. Alec turned and looked to Jace, checking he could handle himself without help. His parabatai nodded at him, urging him to go on.

Before he had time to think Alec’s legs were carrying him away from the on-going skirmishes at full speed towards the overcast area he had seen lit up a few moments ago. His mind was moving a million miles an hour. Magnus was here. Magnus had come, had probably seen his drained body on the floor. Jace had said he’d been angry, but why? Perhaps he was angry that the some of the warlocks had refused to follow his advice. They’d chosen to follow a rogue vampire instead. Alec refused to be believe that he was the source of the warlock’s anger. He’d said he wouldn’t allow himself to get attached – right?

He didn’t know what he expected to see and didn’t know if he was ready. He never wanted Magnus to have to face Sebastian again. To have to face the man that caused him endless pain, invaded his mind and destroyed any sense of security he’d felt. It wasn’t fair – he didn’t deserve this, not again.

Alec continued to push his way through thorns and branches that clawed at his clothes, speeding up when he saw two figures close by. Magnus had his hands held aloft, blue tendrils surrounding them, holding Sebastian at bay. Verlac resembled a spitting seething animal, attacking with pure rage at a shielding force field. Alec’s heart couldn’t help but thud against his chest as he watched Magnus defending himself. At least this time he had some form of protection. A genuine source of safety that Alec had failed to give him. He vowed to himself that he would try harder this time.

“Stop!” Alec shouted, pushing into the small clearing they currently occupied.

“Alec…you’re ok?” Magnus asked, eyes hovering on Alec’s punctured neck. He looked relieved to see him, as if his presence there signified something more. Alec was reminded of all of the times when he would arrive at the interrogation room and put an end to all of the warlock’s tortures, even if only for a short while. Today was different however. Magnus looked paler than usual, face straining from the effort of keeping up the defensive forcefield that Sebastian’s blade was currently hammering into. 

“I’m fine” Alec assured him, not liking the anxious look behind those dark eyes. 

Sebastian and Magnus stood only metres apart, defensive magic the only barrier. Alec noted that Magnus’ eyes were glued to the ground again, concentrating hard. He wasn’t attacking, why wasn’t he attacking? Alec knew how much anger and resentment Magnus felt towards Verlac and yet here he was, having to endure the attacks of this sadist again. 

“Sebastian, _stop!_ ” Alec shouted, edging closer to Verlac. He wouldn’t let his anger get the better of him this time around. “There’s got to be a better solution than this! We don’t have to fight each other. He… the downworlders…they aren’t the real enemy. Look at the bigger picture…”

Sebastian stopped his uncontrolled hacking and moved towards Alec, expression furious and posture volatile.

“You think I care about the bigger picture?! The greater good?!” Sebastian spat. “ _That…_ ” he continued, pointing his blade towards Magnus, “is going to answer for everything he has done to me.”

Alec had to fight the urge to scoff at Sebastian’s hypocrisy. Alec slowly began to shift himself into the distance between Verlac and Magnus, breathing a sigh when he felt Magnus drop the forcefield around him. Alec secretly hoped it was his presence that had offered a little safety for the warlock, encouraging him to take a respite. He knew in reality that pure exhaustion was probably the real reason for Magnus’ position of vulnerability. 

“Magnus isn’t the real enemy here…you’re a shadowhunter! Surely you understand that? If we could just find a way to work together instead…” Alec started, trying to keep his voice level and calm. 

“I knew there was something between you two” Sebastian said abruptly, face wrinkling in disgust. “You’re no shadowhunter Lightwood, not really! You think I’m going to listen to your diluted ideals?”

“If you don’t care about the greater enemy then what the hell _do_ you care about?!” Alec shouted, fury edging into his voice. He wanted to get out of here and away from this futile endeavour. To turn and face Magnus and check he was ok, but Alec didn’t dare move his eyes from Verlac and his vengeful stance. 

“I care about myself! I care about my power, my position and the purity of our kind. I am more than them” Sebastian said, eyes looking past Alec’s shoulder to where he knew Magnus was still standing.

Alec heaved a defeated sigh, shaking his head. Sebastian was so indoctrinated by his own superiority complex that he was failing to see the consequences it wreaked on his own kind, as he put it. Alec watched Verlac’s face for a few moments, skin tinged red in anger. He could see the fighting between the other downworlders and shadowhunters still raging in the distance through the arms of the trees that hid them. It frustrated Alec. With a hand outstretched, warning him to stay put, Alec turned to face Magnus. 

The warlock stood a few paces behind Alec, hands grasping on to the front of his long black overcoat. Kind and gentle eyes lifted from the ground and caressed Alec’s face, silently apologising.

“Alec…” Magnus started, voice quiet and dry. “They are good people…the warlocks. They are just frightened. They know what happened…to me. They don’t want to idly sit around and wait for their turn. They are overly passionate I know, but I understand…they just fell in with the wrong crowd. _Please,_ they are good people.”

Alec yearned to close the distance between them, to place his hand on the warlock’s cheek as he had once done. He wanted to feel the warmth of his skin, knowing it was but an ember of the honest and passionate fires burning beneath the surface. Alec searched Magnus’ face and knew in that moment that he trusted him implicitly, even if that trust could never be returned. Not in the way it once might have been. He nodded silently and spoke in a low voice, feeling a sense of déjà vu.

“Go. Make a portal, do whatever you need to, to get the warlocks to go with you.”

Alec’s chest suddenly felt heavy and he swallowed past the lump in his throat. Why was it that he was always saying goodbye to Magnus? Always waiting for him to shut him out, leaving him behind and watching him go. Was this the way it was always going to be? Alec yearned for so much more. He’d fooled himself into optimistically thinking and hoping when the reality was that Magnus was right. This would only end in heartache.

Ripped from his thoughts, Alec was suddenly lurching backwards. His outstretched arm twisted, pulled and held tightly behind his back. His blood ran cold when he felt the unforgiving press of steel against his bloodied throat. He’d taken his eyes of Verlac for a moment too long, he knew it. This is what wallowing in his own head always got him. Alec felt a lean body press against him from behind, holding him resolutely in place, the cold blade ensuring that any slight movement or struggle would be his last. 

Alec watched as Magnus’ whole demeanour changed before his eyes. Seeing what was about to happen he’d made to grab for Alec, expression overcome with unadulterated fear. Surprise had taken advantage of the both of them and Alec now found himself forced to watch as Magnus’ wide eyes looked on helplessly. Magnus was rooted to the spot but blue sparks had begun to envelope his hands.

“Don’t” Sebastian breathed in warning from behind Alec’s ear. His eyes burned into the warlock and Alec noticed that once again, Magnus’ gaze was lowered to the ground. Alec furrowed his brow and the butterflies in his stomach started to hammer against their internal cage. The more Alec thought about it, the clearer it became. Magnus hadn’t once made eye contact with Sebastian, he’d kept his eyes low this entire time, searching for anything to latch onto for comfort. Alec felt his anger swell at the subservient habit and tried not to contemplate what sick mind games Verlac had played with the warlock.

“Magnus, you need to g…” Alec started, the blade choking the rest of his words from him. He felt a raw piercing rip as the blade began to cut into the tender surface of his throat. He tried to release a groan of pain and hot bloody bubbles begin to form at his lips instead. He felt it now, the blood loss kicking in again. His face was deathly pale and a tremor had started making its way up the right side of his body. Alec tried to summon his own strength, anything he had left to keep himself upright, not wanting to rely on Sebastian's firm grip.

“Stop…” Magnus cried, hands held up in submission and eyes filling with terror as he tried to hold Alec’s gaze.

“If I can’t get to you the old fashioned way, I guess I’ll have to resort to my old tricks again. Lets treat this as another emotional exercise shall we Bane? It will be just like old times” Sebastian smirked, eyes licking over the warlock in front of him.

Alec watched as Magnus swayed slightly on the spot, eyes never leaving his face. He was glad for those dark eyes, silently trying to calm him. He was afraid of losing consciousness again, if not for the concern in those eyes, keeping him here, in the present.

“I guess the question is…” Sebastian hissed, “what is his life worth to you warlock?”


	15. Routine

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Woohoo...look at me with these quick updates!
> 
> Hope you enjoy this new chapter. I think all the love the last one received spurred me on a bit.
> 
> Hi to all the new readers the last chapter seemed to pick up, thanks so much for all the comments. They make my life.  
> Some nice malec bits planned for the next chapter so heres hoping I can keep up the pace.
> 
> Sorry for any typos, I try to proof read myself but its so late and I have work tomorrow!  
> Leave me some stuff to read.  
> I'm on tumblr as Teachmepatience1  
> xx

Alec could hear his own breathing rattling in his chest, his body held firmly against Sebastian’s chest. Everything had taken on a blurry haze but he was aware of the spiteful voice behind him. He wanted to shrug Verlac off, push him away and give him a taste of his own medicine but he knew he was in no position to do that. Alec felt weak from all of the blood he had lost and as much as he wanted to force Sebastian off him, he knew he didn’t stand a chance. The building pressure of the blade pushing at his throat was already too much, making him feel like he couldn’t suck in enough air. 

He could make out the distorted outline of Magnus, the fear on his face seared into Alec’s mind. No one should ever look like that. Alec silently begged for someone to come looking for them amongst all of this foliage; shadowhunter or downworlder, at this point he didn’t care. He needed someone else to do what he apparently never could and get Magnus out of Sebastian’s clutches. 

Alec struggled with the way his senses were fluctuating. Each time he tried to plead for Magnus to leave him behind Sebastian would press the blade harder so that only desperate gurgles of blood could escape. Moisture started to gather at the corners of his eyes, though whether from fear or frustration he didn’t know. He couldn’t escape the image of Magnus in front of him, hands grasping and scratching at his own wrists.

“So?” Sebastian continued, addressing Magnus scornfully. “Is he of value to you? This shadowhunter you barely know… this so-called _enemy_ of the downworld.”

Magnus stayed silent for a while and Alec’s stomach flipped at the truth of Sebastian’s words. Magnus barely knew him, owed him nothing. He’d been implicit him Magnus’ imprisonment and the downworld clearly hated him for it.

“What do you want?” Magnus asked. His voice held firm however his eyes sank to the floor again.

“Is he worth giving up these downworlders? A swap? Their lives for his?” Sebastian smiled as Magnus’ wide beseeching eyes shot up and made contact with his face for the first time. 

“You can’t…You know I can’t do that… _please_.” Magnus said, voice becoming more unsteady now.

Sebastian released a pleasured savouring hum. His voice came out low and sounded almost flirtatious. “Say that again and I might give you a counter offer.”

Magnus was clearly flustered and at first seemed a little confused at what Sebastian was asking for. His eyes searched the ground and then closed when he realised what Verlac wanted. He released an unsteady breath and looked like he was trying to compose himself.

“Please.”

“You know I don’t settle for half measures Bane” Sebastian baited, shifting his hold on Alec and causing him to hiss in pain. 

“Ask me for something else, anything else… _please_ ” Magnus said, voice small. Alec thought he could see the self-loathing physically eating away at the warlock in front of him. He had come so far, and now it was all unravelling.

“Better” Sebastian acknowledged and then seemed to make a show of pondering his next offer whilst Magnus shifted uncomfortably under his gaze.

What little energy Alec had left inside was fuelled with hatred. Hatred for Sebastian’s cruelty, for his own pathetic part in this situation. If he was stronger they’d never have been in this position. Jace would never have allowed this to happen. How did he always manage to find a way to screw things up? 

“Would you switch places with him?” Sebastian asked, eyes darkening from the power he knew he held. 

Magnus searched Alec’s deathly pale face, panic running rampage behind his eyes. Alec tried again to signal Magnus to refuse, cutting into his neck further as he tried to shake his head. Surely he wouldn’t do this? Wouldn’t submit himself to this again? Not for someone he didn’t wholly care for?

“Yes” Magnus breathed out quietly. “Yes, I’ll take his place. Just…just let him go.”

Sebastian’s face beamed with brutal victory. A snarling smile crept up his face as if slit with daggers. “Show it to me” he hissed.

Magnus’ shoulders sunk and his arms had wrapped themselves protectively around himself. He slowly lifted eyes that now seemed vacant and far away. Moving gently, he shrugged off his overcoat letting it fall to the ground. His hand moved to pull away the scarf around his neck so that he stood only in a thin navy shirt. He tugged harshly on the collar, pulling it down to reveal the only permanent scar on his body.

The whole scene resembled a twisted cult ritual. Sebastian holding Alec like a lamb about to be slaughtered whilst lusting over the sight of his own branding on Magnus. Alec shuddered at the idea of Sebastian thinking that he had power over the warlock.

“You haven’t figured it out yet have you?” Verlac smiled, eyes devouring the warlock in front of him. “What it is…why you can’t heal it…can’t even glamour it!”

Magnus said nothing, glued to the spot. He looked so small yet his exposed skin reflected the shine of the moonlight beautifully. It amazed Alec that even in the most wretched of circumstances Magnus managed to embody purity, both inside and out. He’d managed to grab hold of Alec’s emotions and imagination in a way he didn’t think possible and now the warlock’s handprint was permanently seared on to his heart. It was all the more painful then, to watch him lose himself again, piece by piece.

“Get on your knees” Sebastian ordered, tone unforgiving.

Magnus softly dropped to the ground, knees landing in the dried mud. He rested his palms on his thighs and kept his eyes down. Alec felt sick at how routine this seemed, his stomach lurching and rebelling at the whole sight before him.

“What are you?” Sebastian asked, obviously having practised this before.

“Downworld scum” Magnus replied quietly but matter-of-factly.

Alec squeezed his eyes shut and felt a heavy tear slide down his right cheek. He wouldn’t do this. He wouldn’t lose his resolve here, not now. Magnus didn’t need any more emotional trauma. 

“Who do you belong to?” Sebastian continued, hissing the question directly behind Alec’s ear as if to highlight the importance of its answer.

“You” Magnus answered coldly, devoid of any emotion.

“You’ve remembered well warlock” Sebastian said. “Now about that magic of yours…if you truly belong to me then you’ll agree that we can’t have it flowing freely…I believe I have a pair of those shackles you’re so well acquainted with attached to my belt…if you’d be kind enough to…”

Alec watched as Magnus’ face went white with fear at the mention of the cuffs and then changed to surprise as Sebastian was cut off mid flow. Everything happened so quickly. Alec had kept his eyes closed, not wanting to watch Magnus demean himself further in front of Sebastian when he’d heard it. A rustling and snapping of branches, and then a foreign hostile force pushing both himself and Sebastian backwards to the ground.

“Elias!” Magnus yelled, relief evident in his cry.

Alec hit the ground hard, groaning in pain. His hands flew up to press at the further wounds the struggle had caused on his neck, desperate to stop the bleeding. Alec started to panic, recognising that his laboured breaths couldn’t keep up with his speeding heart rate. He searched with wide eyes for Magnus, calming a little when he saw the warlock already crawling over to him. He felt the embrace of tender familiar magic knitting the skin of his deeper wounds back together and wanted to give himself over to it completely. His body ached to give up consciousness and follow that fuzzy feeling into another dimension but his mind knew better.

“Sebastian…” Alec managed, wrenching the word from his throat.

“I’m more concerned about you at the moment.” Magnus stated, nodding in the direction of Sebastian’s unconscious form a little in the distance. It didn’t escape Alec that the warlock was shivering violently in the cold night air, something he’d hoped never to see again. This couldn’t keep happening, he couldn’t bear not being able to comfort the warlock the way he wanted to any longer.

It eased Alec a little to know that the warlock’s concern for him was greater than his desire for revenge over the Sebastian. Alec wrapped his palm around Magnus’ wrist, coaxing Magnus to preserve his magic. He’d spent enough of his energy on Alec already. His more life threatening wounds had been softly tended to, leaving only a few scrapes and the puncture marks from the vampire bite.

“Magnus! What is going on?”

Magnus stopped and turned. Alec’s face blanched as he recognised the young blonde warlock that had set upon him earlier. He tried pushing himself up a little from the ground, readying himself for yet another onslaught. He could see green tendrils swirling around his wrists and fingers with animosity.

“Cut it out Elias…I owe him” Magnus said standing and offering Alec a hand.

“Regardless…the others have fled…I-I didn’t know it would happen like this…I should have listened to you. The other shadowhunters, they’re coming. We need to go” Elias said, eyeing Alec cautiously as Magnus pulled him unsteadily to his feet. 

“Magnus…I’m sorry” Alec blurted out, not able to ignore the silent trauma Magnus must be going through any longer.

Magnus turned to Alec, eyes gentle and concerned. Everything was happening too fast. He needed time to pause, time to process and explain himself. He desperately wanted to tell Magnus everything all of a sudden. How he daydreamed about him constantly, how incessantly he worried over his welfare, and all because he cared for him…more than he ever should have allowed himself to. But what was the point? Magnus would never return that affection. He owed him. That was all this was. Gratitude; the possibility of friendship maybe, but what could a shadowhunter ever offer someone like Magnus Bane?

His turbulent thoughts were interrupted by another two figures entering their little clearing and Alec spun to find himself facing Lydia and Lindsay, another shadowhunter he recognised mainly from the ops room. Both held their seraph blades aloft, pointing directly at Alec who stood unintentionally in their path to the warlocks.

“Magnus Bane” Lydia stated, voice firm with diplomacy. “You are under arrest by order of the clave. I’m requesting that you come with us peacefully.”

Alec had never been more grateful for accidental positioning before. There was no way he was letting any other shadowhunter ever put their hands on Magnus again. He shuffled backwards a little until he felt his back brush up against Magnus. He silently searched for his body heat but found nothing. His body felt cold and unlike the Magnus he so desperately wanted to get to know. He pushed his arm behind him a little, feeling unknowingly, and felt the skin at his wrist tingle. Magnus had brushed his fingers against him and firmly grabbed on to the sleeve of his jumper. 

“I’m not going back there Alec” Magnus stated.

“Magnus… you need to go” Alec said, holding Lydia’s gaze. “I know her…she won’t take you by force…not after what you’ve been through.”

Alec didn’t break Lydia’s determined stare. He would hold the shadowhunters off if he had to, buy the warlocks time to portal out of here. Alec knew it wouldn’t come to that. He knew Lydia was steadfast in her duties but she didn’t believe in unnecessary violence, and she knew the persecution of Magnus was just that…unnecessary.

Alec felt Magnus loosen his grip and his chest constricted at the loss of contact, however minute and fleeting it had been. He wanted to turn and see the warlock go, watch him escape to safety but he didn’t dare move his eyes from the shadowhunters. He’d made that mistake once already and wasn’t going to repeat it. 

Alec heard the portal open and then all too suddenly close. Even though he knew Magnus would be safer away from him, a part of him ached at his missing presence. Throughout the last few weeks of turmoil, Magnus had been Alec’s only salvation.

Alec relaxed his posture, suddenly feeling tired and exhausted from the evening’s roller coaster of emotions. His eyes landed on Sebastian’s body still laying on the ground and he wrinkled his nose with disgust at him. Lydia seemed to follow his gaze.

“Alec” she said, voice strong. “You know I am going to have to inform the institute of this.”

Alec knew she was right. Lydia was nothing if not by-the book. He thought of his mother and the shame she would feel upon hearing that her first-born had sided with her so-called enemies. She wouldn’t protect him out of familial duty. He’d failed her, just like he’d failed everybody else. He wondered if he would face further punishment, which was likely. The punishment for treason was de-runing. Shadowhunting was his life, but what would he have to sacrifice for it? Values, morals and justice were surely worth taking a stand for. 

Throwing off any cares about himself, Alec turned and begun wandering away from the shadowhunters and their little scene.

“Whatever” he muttered, more to himself than anyone else. He needed to be alone, to breathe fresh air, uncontaminated by the strife and turmoil that seemed to follow him like a ghost.


	16. Home

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi all,
> 
> I know I promised a malec chapter for this one but this kind of just got away from me. This was only supposed to be a little 200/300 word bit at the start of the chapter but it snowballed.  
> Don't fret...I've already started the malec I promised for the next one.
> 
> I feel like Alec needs some development every now and again...hope this chapter does that!  
> Leave me nice stuff people... you are all the absolute best! My commenters inspire me to do more! xx

Alec kicked his feet along the dusty pavement as he wandered the haunting backstreets of New York. The night’s air was cold and had adopted a chill that he hadn’t felt in the heat of the moment. He’d been insistent on staying out and searching the clearing for his missing stele, despite the light drizzle. Once he’d found it he’d aimlessly wandered, finding any excuse not to go home. Alec knew he needed to get back to the institute but the bite of the callous wind and his own company were what he wanted right now. 

Jace had texted numerous times, informing him that his mother wanted to speak to him, that she considered it urgent and he needed to come home. It reminded Alec of the one time he had ran away from the institute when he was younger. He’d been upset and Jace had tried to reason with him then too. It was futile really as he’d ended up being more worried about his parents’ punishment when he eventually did get home than what had upset him in the first place.

Alec wanted space. Space to breathe and prepare himself to face wrath, disappointment, reprimand and who knows what else. 

Begrudgingly, he turned on his heel and walked through an alley that would bring him back within the clutches of the institute. Identifying the small ivy-clad church-like building in the distance he watched as it grew bigger and bigger as he got closer. He shoved his stele in his back pocket and lumbered up the steps before edging inside hoping to go unnoticed.

He knew he should probably head straight to the infirmary but a nagging voice inside his head faltered his steps. This was the price he had to pay, to atone for his part in everything. He’d spent so long concentrating on trying to help and comfort Magnus through his pain that he realised he hadn’t properly apologised for his role in it all. He had no right to a quick fix. Magnus had done what he could to heal his more severe wounds but the puncture marks were still there. Alec brought his hand up to them and then grazed over a few other areas that stung. His hand came away a little bloody but he was going to let them heal the mundane way.

As if the universe had decided that his physical pain wasn’t enough, Alec soon found himself frozen in front of his mother. He’d barely been inside two minutes and there she was, commanding and stony-faced. She’d clearly been waiting for him and by the look on her face had been doing so for a while.

“My office” she barked at him, turning to lead the way not checking to see if he was following.

Alec followed a few steps behind, flashbacks to his youth blurring with the present. She held the door for him to enter the room and then closed it with a loud snap. Alec moved to take a seat on the leather couch at the far end of the office whilst his mother leaned against her desk looking down on his slightly damp form. 

It became apparent to him, sat here in her high-brow office that he probably looked a bit of a state. He still felt a little shaky from the blood he had lost and knew that it had probably done nothing for his already pale demeanour. His hair was wet and sticking slightly to his forehead and the rain had given his skin a bit of a light sheen. His clothes were wet and he was littered with cuts and scrapes. Maryse, on the other hand looked every bit the diplomat that she was supposed to embody. 

“What happened?” she asked and Alec was surprised when she didn’t sound too mad. He had a horrible feeling however that she already knew what had happened.

“I managed not to kill your employee of the month if that’s what you mean” Alec answered bitterly. “Not that he didn’t deserve it.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Maryse asked, tone becoming a little more clipped.

“Nothing” Alec muttered. “You wouldn’t believe me anyway.”

“Lose the attitude. I need to contain this Alec. What the hell were you thinking?” She started, pushing herself off her desk and beginning to pace. “He was right within your grasp.”

“ _He_ wasn’t the mission if you remember… and I’m fine by the way. Thanks for asking.” Alec mumbled, clearly irritated. He was fully aware he was acting a little like a stroppy teenager but his mother’s corruption was beginning to gnaw away at his conscience. 

Maryse stopped and let soft eyes roam over her son’s injuries, lingering on one or two a little while longer than necessary. She folded her arms and her colder persona was instantly back. She continued to address him as an employee rather than a family member.

“I am aware of that. He has already escaped us once before… and now you let him slip through your fingers again. What has gotten into you? You were _sloppy_. You could have easily taken him into custody. You’ve never displayed this inefficiency before…”

Alec stayed silent and held his breath when his mother stopped mid-sentence. She turned her gaze on to Alec’s hunched form and he dropped his eyes to the ground, knowing she had finally worked it out. He could practically see his heart leaping through the wet clothing stuck to his chest. The air between them was thick with mistrust. 

“What have you done? You’ve ruined us Alec” Maryse breathed out, her calm façade beginning to break. “Tell me it wasn’t you that helped him escape.”

Alec breathed a sigh and lifted his chin defiantly, holding her gaze. Challenging her, finding it impossible to keep his feelings in any longer.

“ _I’ve_ ruined us?! I’ve done nothing but what my job requires…the protection of innocent downworlders is a part of that...or have you forgotten that? The only thing that has been ruined here is _your_ name. That could have been avoided if you weren’t so hell bent on proving yourself and righting past wrongs that no one cares about!”

“Innocent?” she spat back at him. Alec rolled his eyes in frustration at that being the only point that she had chosen to dwell on. He tried his best to recollect himself. He was going to get nowhere if all they did was shout at one another. For all her hostility and narrow-mindedness, she was still his mother.

“Maybe not completely innocent…but he is a good man. That’s good enough for me. The clave doesn’t care for historical accounts of low-level criminal activity. What has he done recently that constitutes for how he is being treated? This is _personal_ Mom…you know it is. You’ve hunted him for years and he has spent his life in hiding since. Surely that is punishment enough?” Alec said, tone softer this time.

“Be careful Alexander…it sounds like you care.” Maryse warned and Alec flinched at the use of his full name.

“And if I did?”

The silence in the room that followed was deafening. It boomed and buzzed like static, feeding on their tension. A variety of emotions flicked across Maryse’s face; disgust, confusion, worry. She resembled a tempest; a raging sea. Crashing waves of raw emotion behind her eyes and Alec felt like he was drowning just looking at her. She stepped backwards and dropped back down on to her desk, fury slowly working its way out of her posture, replaced by cold vacancy.

“I don’t even know who you are anymore” she said. 

Alec shuffled forward to the edge of his seat, shivering a little, though whether from his wet clothes or his mother’s coldness he wasn’t sure. Maryse’s face was awash with the weight of his actions and she made no attempt to hide her bitter disappointment in him. 

“I’m me” he replied, trying to catch her gaze. “You’ve built this idea of the perfect son and the perfect shadowhunter in your head for so long that you can’t even see that that’s never who I’ve been.”

She lifted her face a little and looked over him. Alec tried to offer her a small comforting smile but the lack of feeling he found in return hurt. His eyes looked up into his mothers and Alec wondered at the significance of it. Even now that he had grown much taller than she, he always seemed to be looking up at her, for direction or guidance when very little ever came.

“Do you ever wish it was me?” he asked, his voice suddenly small. “Do you wish it had been me instead of Max?” 

He had asked hoping to draw some deep rooted feelings to her surface, only partially believing what he had asked to be true. Her silence had hurt in ways Alec didn’t know it could. No words had passed her lips. No change in facial expression or body language. In that moment Alec felt as if his mere existence didn’t just cause himself pain, but also caused pain to his mother. Deep down in the pit of his stomach Alec wondered if she cared at all for him anymore, or when he had started to feel so distant to her. It hadn’t always been like this. When they had lost Max, is that when she had changed?

“I didn’t say yes…” Maryse started, catching the hurt that was etched across Alec’s face.

“You didn’t say no either.” Alec replied, feeling numb. He started pulling at the sleeve of his jumper, watching as the threads unwound around his skin. His heart was in his mouth. “Are you going to inform the clave of my part in all this?”

“What do you want me to do Alec?” she asked and Alec looked up in surprise. The question wasn’t rhetorical. She was genuinely asking him, seemingly at a loss.

Alec stood slowly and walked over to her, grabbing her hand with his. Her skin was warm and soft, everything a mother’s should be. His eyes silently pleaded with her to listen and consider what he was about to ask.

“Let him go…just, just don’t chase this up. Let him at least try for peace, _please_. I’ve given you my whole life…done everything you asked and never asked for a single thing in return. I’m asking for this now…I know it’s within your power…mom, please.”

“Alec, I can’t. I know this is hard for you to understand but…” she started, tone resolute and unwavering.

“Do you love me?” Alec blurted out, feeling like this was his last hope.

“Yes” Maryse replied, resolve faltering a little at how desperate he seemed.

“Then please…do this for me.”

“I can’t…” she breathed out.

Alec loosened his grip on her hand, shaking slightly. He searched her face and he could see she seemed genuinely sorry, or concerned at least. He took a step back and swallowed around the lump building in his throat. He needed to get out of here. He pulled the stele out of his back pocket and moved past his mother to put it down on her desk, hoping she would see how serious he was about this.  
He looked apologetically at her and then tore from the room, a little disappointed that she didn’t try to stop him or come after him. He moved quickly back through the institute not wanting to see anyone else. He quickly texted Jace, telling him he was going out and asked him to check on Sebastian’s location. The last thing he needed was that leech following him.

Once outside the institute he sat down on the steps, brooding whilst the rain pelted his already sodden clothes. He waited a little around ten minutes before Jace responded that he had the all clear. Alec felt a little bad about ignoring Jace’s questions; asking how it went with Maryse and if he was ok. He was probably picking up a little emotional trauma through their bond but Alec did his best to keep a hold of himself.  
The black sky had clouded over and the rain had turned heavier. Raindrops battered into Alec as he walked the lonely streets. He cursed himself for not picking up a coat and desperately wanted to pick up the pace. A light jog would get him there much sooner but he still felt a little lightheaded and weary so his unsteady walk would have to do for now.

There was only one face he wanted to see right now. Only one place he wanted to be. A place where he didn’t need to conceal certain parts of himself, like a puzzle with missing pieces. With Magnus he could be whole. He wanted to be whole.


	17. Catharsis

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi all...
> 
> here is the latest chapter for you. Very malec orientated as promised. I think its the longest one I've done so far. I've tried editing and proof reading but its pretty late so I apologise for any errors.
> 
> Just a reminder that this chapter and the last two all happened within the same evening/early hours of the morning.
> 
> This should have been up earlier today but I got caught in the storm of nycc stuff and was busy crying over the fact that I have to wait until April to see my boys again!
> 
> I'm on tumblr as Teachmepatience1.
> 
> Hope you like it, leave me something to read when I wake up so that I'm not so depressed over the long-ass extension of this hiatus! xx

Alec wasn’t sure at what point he’d let his emotions get the better of him. He was aware of them simmering just below the surface when he’d left the institute but couldn’t pinpoint the exact moment in time when they’d pushed their way to the surface. He’d spent the walk to Magnus’ building trapped inside his own head, pushing himself to embrace the violent weather hammering the night into the early hours of the morning.

There was no way he was turning back. He just needed to get there. He needed to be with someone that would care about him; not out of obligation or duty and not because a preconceived bond demanded it. He needed someone to want him. It might have been that self-admission that overcame him. It also might have been the realisation that the someone he needed, might not want him in return. 

Alec had given himself over to the storm, knowing the pelting rain would camouflage the tears that stained his cheeks and the howling wind would disguise the cries that left his body. The walk had been long and cathartic and Alec now found himself facing Magnus’ door. He silently prayed that he wasn’t about to lose the only person that had shown an interest in the truest version of himself to surface for years. 

He knocked on the door and waited nervously, clothes dripping soft raindrops onto the corridor carpet. He used the heel of his palm to wipe away the wet that shone across his eyes and pushed his soaked hair from his forehead. His body was betraying him and he knew Magnus would probably notice he’d been upset. His eyes felt raw and swollen and he knew the skin beneath them was probably stained pink, similar to the way it used to when he cried as a child. Why did he always manage to look his worst when facing this door?

Alec’s thoughts were confirmed when Magnus appeared, eyes widening in muted shock. Magnus looked a little tired himself in his soft plain clothing. He had the silhouette of dark shadows beneath his eyes, as if he hadn’t had a lengthy rest in a while. Alec swallowed past the lump in his throat as the warlock’s eyes flicked over him, waiting to see if he would say anything. Alec felt grateful when he didn’t and just waited, eyes dark and guarded.

“Did I wake you?” Alec asked, his voice coming out low and rough.

“No” Magnus replied simply, gaze lowering to the somewhat soggy carpet Alec now stood on.

“Are you alone?” Alec asked.

“Yes…Elias and the others…they are no trouble. They won’t bother you again. They aren’t here. And the vampire has been dealt with, I’ve been assured of that.” Magnus stuttered out, suddenly seeming very unsure of himself.

“It’s fine…whatever. I’m not here for work” Alec responded quickly, feeling the tension he’d picked up on ease slightly.

A moment of awkward silence passed between them, neither meeting the other’s eyes. Alec had a feeling Magnus knew the real reason behind his visit at such an unforgiving hour and was just putting the welfare of his people before everything else. Nothing about Alec’s wrecked exterior spoke of business right now and they both knew it.

“Do you want to come in?” Magnus offered, a note of pity in his tone.

“Is that ok?” Alec asked softly.

“It’s ok.” Magnus replied, holding the door open for Alec to pass through into the extravagant living room he remembered from his last visit.

The lighting was dimmed and cast gentle shadows across the room. The curtains were open revealing a starless night’s sky littered with ominous clouds. The rain pounded against the mass of windows creating a song of tenacity and force. Alec had always thought the sound was relaxing and found it drowned out the silence that would force him into the corners of his mind. 

Alec shuffled on the spot as Magnus looked over him. They were both aware of the elephant in the room and Alec wondered who would be the first to address the sickening topic that was Sebastian and what had happened. He noticed the warlock was still keeping more than necessary distance between them and it pained him a little. He’d felt the warlock’s smooth brush of skin earlier this very evening, coincidental or not. He wanted to feel it again; to let it dry his damp skin and warm his numb fingers. He wouldn’t push for it this time though. Magnus had opened up to him the last time he was here and Alec understood now. He didn’t want to do anything that might mean losing him.

“You look terrible” Magnus stated a little bluntly but held concern in his eyes. “Don’t you want to get out of those clothes? You’re soaking.”

Alec immediately began peeling his jumper upwards and pulled it over his head, his t-shirt still plastered firmly to his chest. He winced as the fabric brushed over the unhealed wounds on his neck and shivered as the cool air hit his exposed arms. They were streaked with diluted blood from earlier this evening. His blood. Alec held the sodden jumper awkwardly in front of him, not knowing where to place it. 

“That’s not what I meant” Magnus breathed, snapping his fingers so that the water-logged jumper returned to its natural dry state in Alec’s hands. “Let me help?”

“No!” Alec said a little too suddenly and chastised himself when he saw Magnus step backwards. He registered the hurt expression on Magnus’ face and his insides started to squirm, not knowing how to explain that he deserved all of the discomfort he was currently in. This was his atonement and it made sense to him.

“I’m sorry” Alec blurted out in a panic, feeling his emotions seeping to the surface again. “I mean…I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to be so abrupt… but I’m also sorry…for everything. I realised I never apologised to you for everything I did... Part of it was my fault and I…”

“It wasn’t your fault…” Magnus started, eyes clouded with worry and the need to calm the fumbling man before him.

“No, don’t defend me.” Alec continued, voice faltering a little and hands trembling at his sides. “I never meant for it…I was just buried so deep…and my Mom…and I can’t fix it. I said I would fix it.”

“Alexander…” Magnus said gently, and that was enough to push Alec over the edge.

“Don’t. I don’t deserve that” Alec cried, stray tears trickling slowly down his face. He felt shame wash over him and cursed himself for being so infantile. He came here seeking comfort when he should be the one offering it and now he hadn’t even been able to keep his emotional state in check. 

“Alexander, look at me.” Magnus said, voice so pleading and safe that Alec couldn’t refuse. He looked up and registered the distance still between them and it stung almost as much as the tears in his eyes.

“You’re hurt. You’re tired and you’re soaking wet. Let me help you…unless you want to make a habit of ruining my carpet every time you visit.” Magnus offered a small smile, attempting to lighten the emotional turmoil.

Alec would have savoured the warlock’s almost lyrical tone had he been in a similar state of mind but he couldn’t stop the voices within screaming at him to face the consequences he deserved. Lines of worry etched themselves back onto Magnus’ face and his brow furrowed. Alec watched him take the tiniest of steps forward, conflicting emotions in every movement.

“I can’t fix it…it’s my mess and I can’t fix it.” Alec heaved out, roughly pushing the tears away into his hairline. “I’ve tried Magnus…but she won’t listen to me. She won’t let it go. I should have followed my gut to begin with…you’d have never…I deserve worse…”

“But it wasn’t your fault…” Magnus interrupted his outpouring, obviously trying to make sense of Alec’s words.

“Just…stop.” Alec said firmly, trying to wipe any trace of his emotional outburst from his face. His breathing was laboured as he battled to regain control of himself. After a few steady breaths Alec continued, using Magnus’ anxiousness to anchor him in the present. “I need you to know that I’m sorry, and I’m asking for your forgiveness.”

“You have it.” Magnus replied almost immediately, the need to edge closer to Alec obvious in his body language.

“Don’t just say it.” Alec said, his voice desperate for the truth.

“Alexander,” Magnus started, and Alec closed his eyes trying to hold on to the sound of his name like that. He hadn’t realised how much he had craved hearing it again. Magnus waited until Alec was back in the moment with him again and continued softly. 

“I accepted your part in my…ordeal a long time ago. From our first meeting I knew you weren’t like the others. You came to me and I made some off-hand comment that I probably shouldn’t have…I was scared and worried for myself. At first you seemed…I don’t know…cold I suppose. Then your face changed and I realised you thought you’d upset me.” 

Magnus gave a small sad smile at the memory, turning to sink into the couch. He lifted his gaze to Alec and nodded at the empty space besides him. Alec looked down at himself, trying to find a way in which he could accept Magnus’ invitation without soaking his couch. He perched on the edge of the sofa, making sure he didn’t encroach on the warlock’s personal space. Alec could feel his heart rate steadily returning to normal. He started to twist his fingers into the bottom of his t-shirt and allowed Magnus’ words to continue to calm his mind. 

“You were always gentle and kind to me…I needed you. I’m sorry that things are so messed up between us…so if you can forgive _me_ for that, then I can forgive you.”

Alec turned a little too suddenly at that, not quite believing he’d heard Magnus asking for _his_ forgiveness. His knee bumped the warlock’s and he watched the flinch come and then go. Alec couldn’t keep the stunned expression from his face.

“But none of that was your fault!”

“My point exactly.” Magnus smiled a little cautiously, knowing he’d won. Alec found himself relaxing into it, defeated. These small glimpses of the warlock edging on playfulness were everything he’d hoped for. Alec knew there was more brimming beneath the surface and he yearned to keep digging for it, to let it breathe again. But Magnus was still guarding himself and for now and he accepted that. 

“I want to help. I want to know you.” Alec said, feeling the heat that was pooling in his stomach etch itself across his face. It helped to calm his persistent shivering and push the chill he’d been feeling to the back of his mind. “Just…don’t push me away again. I don’t know if I can take that again.”

“Alexander, I’m ok now but…I get worked up. Sometimes I’m a downright mess. That’s not something I want you to see. You’ve seen enough of me at my worst…” Magnus said gently, pain creeping back onto his face. Sensing Alec was about to interrupt him again he continued firmly. “But…if you can accept that it may take a little time, then I guess it wouldn’t be _awful_ to get to know you a little better.”

Alec smiled and it felt genuine and blissful, something he hadn’t felt in a long time. He pushed his body to relax a little more, allowing himself to lean against the back of the sofa. There was hope. There was trust again.

“I can wait.” Alec replied, voice no longer tainted with burden. “You mind if I ask what changed your mind?”

“I think I always subconsciously knew. I tried my hardest to keep you away…to stop myself from needing you. I thought it was the best for us both.” Magnus stopped and looked across at Alec, honest eyes holding him in place beneath his lashes. “I knew I was kidding myself when I saw him put that knife to your throat. A long time ago I might have just vanished, saved myself, but…I couldn’t leave you.” 

“I’m sorry…” Alec whispered.

“Stop apologizing for things that are out of your control.” Magnus replied, face honest and suddenly vulnerable. Alec gave a sad smile, fumbling with what to say in return. 

“Still, you shouldn’t have had to go through that again.”

Alec jolted a little when he felt Magnus’ warm fingertips at his wrist. He didn’t dare move or try to reciprocate. He just watched as the warlock urged himself on, re-experiencing skin to skin contact. A physical contact that didn’t leave anything behind, no marks or trauma. Just sensation. Alec silently watched as Magnus’ fingers lightly traced over his old childhood scar and then slowly started rubbing in circles, attempting to push warmth into his skin.

“It wasn’t like last time, at the institute.” Magnus breathed out, eyes still on Alec’s wrist.

“What do you mean?” Alec asked as softly as he could manage. He didn’t want the feather light friction to leave his skin.

“Last time it had no purpose. I got nothing in return.” Magnus practically whispered allowing his fingers to hesitantly trace the veins in Alec’s wrist into the lines on the palm of his upturned hand.

Alec thought he could almost hear his own heart beating against his chest. His skin was on fire from the light tickle he felt at Magnus’ touch. He was desperate to grasp Magnus’ hand and entwine their fingers safely together but he knew that would probably have the opposite effect desired.

“What did you get this time?” Alec asked, lifting his curious gaze to watch Magnus’ eyes tracking his own movements.

“Your life.”

Alec stilled and looked down again to see Magnus lightly fitting his own hand on top of his. He didn’t move to hold it, just held it there. Alec let out a shaky breath, not quite believing this was happening. He’d ached for any form of contact for so long.

“You shouldn’t have trusted Verlac’s word. He could have tried anything.” Alec said, savouring the light pressure on his hand. He felt a glowing warmth surging through him and wondered for a brief moment if the warlock was using magic on him. 

“I know, but I had to try. Sebastian…he enjoys the feeling of power…always did. The feeling of being superior, I guess. They were only words…ultimately they mean nothing.”

“It was still horrible though” Alec added, noticing the darkness that had crossed the warlock’s face when he referred to Verlac.

“Yes it was.” Magnus agreed, lining up his fingers with Alec’s so that they were, albeit somewhat lightly, holding one another’s hand. 

Magnus lifted his eyes from their hands and Alec tried to read his thoughts. He hoped his silence and stillness expressed how fine with this he was. Magnus gave him a soft smile and they both listened to the rain pelting the glass of the windows, allowing the tireless sound to comfort them. Alec was content and for a while felt as if he’d been lulled into a dream. All too soon a low rumble of thunder from the night’s tempest roused him and he realised at some point he would have to leave. He wasn’t ready to go. He didn’t want this to be over.

Forgetting that Magnus wasn’t privy to his thought process Alec blurted out “Can I stay?” Magnus turned to look at him, raising an eyebrow at the outburst. Alec felt familiar heat in his face again. “I mean…I’d stay on the couch…I wouldn’t bother you. It’s just…things aren’t good at home right now…and last time I was here…the idea of you here alone. I don’t know, I didn’t like it.” Alec stuttered, looking a little lost at what exactly he was trying to say.

“I can take care of myself Alexander,” Magnus smiled, giving Alec’s hand a light squeeze. “Plus my sleeping activities can sometimes get a little…disturbing. It’s not something you should be around.”

“Please…” Alec said, eyes pleading. He chanced a light grasp of his own on Magnus’ hand and felt elation wash over him when Magnus didn’t flinch or pull away. His throat suddenly felt dry as he watched the warlock think it over.

“Only if you let me help.” Magnus said, removing his hand from Alec’s to hover over the puncture marks still prominent on his neck. Alec shut his eyes at the loss of contact and didn’t know if he truly deserved the help. He wanted it if it meant he could stay but he hadn’t earned it. As if reading his mind, Magnus continued tenderly. “You’re forgiven. You have been for a long time. Stop punishing yourself.”

Alec’s laboured breathing stilled, allowing him to dwell on Magnus’ words. It was what he’d wanted so why did he still find it so hard to swallow. Magnus’ face was honest and he knew he’d meant what he said so Alec nodded slowly and welcomed the glorious outpouring of magic that washed over him. 

Smokey blue tendrils roamed Alec’s body, warming him and healing him. Exhaustion took hold of him but he wouldn’t allow tiredness to rob him of this feeling. He felt at peace surrounded by Magnus’ magic. He heard his sibling’s childhood laughter somewhere beyond his reach and could feel the dying rays of a distant sun caress his skin. He opened his eyes, feeling only semi-conscious.

Alec watched as Magnus stood, conjuring a throw on the end of the sofa before making his way to what was most likely his bedroom. Watching the warlock in his own surroundings, a little more comfortable with himself felt right. Alec caught himself smiling as he kicked off his boots. Any thoughts of his mother, the clave or Sebastian banished for the time being.

“Magnus…” Alec called out sheepishly and watched as the warlock turned a little just before reaching his bedroom door. “Thanks.”

“For what?” Magnus said, expression a little amused at Alec’s long body trying to get comfortable on his sofa.

“For giving me a chance.” Alec replied. His stomach flipped when Magnus gave him an affectionate smile before disappearing into his bedroom, leaving the door ajar behind him.


	18. Control

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys...
> 
> sorry for the longer wait for this chapter. Work has been crazy and I have been typing this little by little each day.  
> Its quite long...I don't know if I should be keeping these chapters shorter and more manageable or whether to just keep going as I am?
> 
> I know sometimes huge chapters can put people off.
> 
> I have only proof read once so sorry for any typos!
> 
> Some new tags added with this chapter so please check them out.
> 
> It is my birthday tomorrow so consider this a present from me to you! Haha! 
> 
> Talk to me lovely people xx

Alec shuffled a little further under the blanket, struggling to find a comfortable position on Magnus’ couch. He was however content in the fact that he was now dry, warm and soothed by the warlock’s magic. Alec had pulled his phone from his pocket. It had been digging awkwardly into his leg, and had quickly texted back and forth with Jace.

It seemed he hadn’t missed much this evening. Aside from a rather odd sounding forsaken attack, all had been eerily quiet. Jace had reluctantly told him that Maryse was acting very out of character. Alec had ignored several texts and calls from her since he’d set up camp in Magnus’ living area. His relationship with his mother was strained to say the least and somewhere deep within Alec always felt a pang of guilt when he thought of her.

_Do you think I should come home?_

He sent the message quickly, not wanting to leave the security he’d managed to find here. He glanced over to Magnus’ bedroom door, still slightly ajar. The golden lighting inside had gone out around half an hour ago. He found his mind wandering…wondering what the inside of the warlock’s bedroom looked like when his phone suddenly vibrated on his chest.

_No. Take some time for yourself. Something tells me you need it. I’ll let you know if anything changes._

Alec smiled and clicked his phone screen off, placing it on the floor next to the couch. He listened to the rain tapping on the windows and echoing through the loft. Its beating rhythm was monotonous and helped keep his mind from dark thoughts. Smile still clinging to the corner of his lips, Alec finally allowed exhaustion to wash over him.

* * *

A low rumble thundered and Alec was pulled back to consciousness. His sluggish mind had subconsciously registered the bright flashes behind sleeping eyes. The storm outside, his brain supplied. He turned over on his side and tried to drift back to sleep. Then he saw it again. A white hot flash, flickering intensely in aftermath. It compelled his heavy-lidded eyes open to investigate. A chill caressed his body on realising that it was neither thunder nor lightning that had forced him awake.

The numerous lights in the loft were trembling and corroding above him. Alec pushed himself up looking around disoriented. He jumped as the bulb in the lamp across the room exploded in a white hot flash. Looking up he registered the numerous bulbs in the chandelier above him, filaments sparking and glass sizzling under pressure. 

Suddenly sensing the precariousness of his positioning Alec shot up and out of the way just in time. Glass fragments rained down onto the couch at the same time as the crystal on the mini-bar cracked open, spilling the contents onto the carpet. Alec felt his back press against the closest wall and watched the chaos unfurl, trying to keep himself out of the way. His eyes roamed the room and registered the pictures knocked from the walls and the slithering cracks creeping across the floor length windows inch by inch. 

His breathing quickened in pace when he finally realised what was happening. He’d been so exhausted that his mind had struggled to process his reality. This was Magnus’ doing. His magic fighting against past tortures whilst he slept. Alec allowed himself a minute to panic... _just one minute_ he told himself. Magnus had warned him of this. He clenched and unclenched his fists, eyes wide and taking in the anarchy and ruin surrounding him. How long had he slept through this? He needed to get to Magnus, and then what? 

Alec’s eyes widened on trying to find a path to Magnus’ door. The carpet was glittering with glass and china shards. Alec then dropped his gaze to his feet. He only had socks on, his shoes still over at the couch where he’d kicked them off. He flinched at the intrusion of a sudden booming static coming from somewhere…or something he couldn’t see. It was still pitch black outside, the only light angrily flickering from the few bulbs that hadn’t yet exploded. 

Alec squeezed his eyes shut and focussed on his heaving chest. He placed his hands over his ears, trying to block it all out...he needed to think. This was sensory overload and he needed to calm himself down. His body had been pulled only half awake into a mayhem and was acting accordingly but he needed logic and objective judgement right now. Who was he kidding? Alec knew he was in too deep and Magnus needed him. 

Alec carefully and slowly started to pick his way through the pointed maze of glass shards on the floor, edging closer to the bedroom with each step. He stilled when he heard another smash from behind and braced himself against the cold wind that ripped through the loft. He knew it must have been one of the windows that time.

He pushed on, each step bringing him closer. Alec could feel his body temperature rising. He was getting hotter and hotter the closer he came and wondered if this was an effect of the frenzied magic too. 

Disregarding any thought for himself and wincing when he felt something sharp underfoot, Alec pushed Magnus’ door open. He peered in and feared his legs might give way when he took in the room. One of the windows had shattered allowing the rain to steak its claim over the room. The curtains flapped furiously in the wind, casting shadows over the littered floor. 

Despite the broken window the room was unbearably hot and arid. Alec felt his throat dry and tried to swallow past it. Sweat trickled slowly down the back of his neck. Everything in his body screamed at him to back away. He was too close. Self-preservation screamed at him that this was dangerous and he was walking into the eye of the storm.

Ignoring natural instinct Alec edged further in registering the tapestry that hung in the corner of the room. It was smouldering slightly at the edges giving rise to menacing wisps of smoke. Alec wrinkled his nose at the smell of it and made his way over to the side of the bed. His expression fell at what he saw there and he felt stab of pain spear him.

Magnus was curled in on himself, arms wrapped protectively around his torso. The warlock was shuddering, a thin sheen of sweat illuminating the frightened expression on his vulnerable face. Alec took in the bedsheets kicked off at the bottom of the bed and wondered how long the warlock had been thrashing and struggling against the Sebastian of his nightmares. The pit he felt in his stomach lurched and he knew he’d been right to stay here tonight. 

“Magnus” Alec tried, wondering how easy it would be to wake him.

Magnus didn’t stir, if possible he folded in on himself a little further. Alec wiped his palms on the thighs of his trousers and tried to keep the panic from his voice.

“Magnus…you need to wake up… _Magnus_.”

Alec released a worried lament when all his words garnered were further whimpers from the warlock. He let the urgency take over him. He needed to wake him up and somehow knew that physical contact wasn’t the way to go but what other option was there? 

With butterflies hammering inside Alec swallowed and tried again. He reached out a shaking hand and tried for a gentle firmness. He made contact with the warlock’s sweat-soaked skin and held on to Magnus’ arm trying to softly rouse him.

“Magnus _please_ , wake up…Mag…”

Alec heard a sound similar to the flick of a switch and all of the remaining fragile items in the room smashed in synchronicity. He braced his body against any impact, fighting a storm that could literally tear him to pieces if it wanted. 

“No, no, no…” Magnus started mumbling defencelessly.

The warlock’s skin began to heat up underhand. His body was becoming an exposed fuse. Alec snapped his hand away, wincing where his palm had already blistered from the contact.

Before he had time to consider his next move Alec felt the breath pulled from his lungs. He clenched his jaw as his knees gave way and struck the glass covered ground. Magnus was finally stirring awake and Alec suddenly found himself immobile. Something had a harsh grip on the back of his neck, holding him down. The force pushing down on him was heavy and he fought to push his eyes upwards, searching for any sign that Magnus was ok.

Alec’s heart dropped at what he saw. Magnus was sitting up, back tight against the headboard and terrified wide eyes staring in Alec’s direction.

“No, no, no…I-I don’t know anything…I’ll be good…I _promise_ I’ll be good.” 

Alec fought against the pressure but it was useless. He took in the warlock’s sweat soaked appearance and erratic breathing. Magnus’ chest was heaving and wheezing between words. His hands grasped and clawed at his neck like he was desperately trying to escape something. 

Alec watched as Magnus’ desperate gasps increased in volume. Something familiar clicked inside Alec and he took a moment to calm his own breathing, knowing it was important that he did this right.

“Magnus, it’s me. It’s Alexander.” Alec grimaced at the sound of his full name on his own lips but he knew he needed it to get through to the warlock. “I need you to let me go Magnus. It was a dream. You’re not there anymore. You are in control.”

Alec knew his words registered when Magnus started furiously shaking his head at Alec’s request. His breathing was getting worse, struggling to pull in even the smallest gasps of air.

“You are in control.” Alec tried again. “You can do this. I’m not going to hurt you. Let me go.”

Alec waited a beat. He watched as Magnus tried and failed to get Alec’s name out, silently begging for help. His eyes were glassy and his face was paling with the lack of oxygen. 

“ _You can do this_ ” Alec repeated.

Within seconds the pressure holding him down had released and despite the urgency of the situation Alec felt proud. He quickly got up and moved to reach out for Magnus’ outstretched hand, holding on to him with all of the care he possessed. 

Alec gently coaxed Magnus to the edge of the bed and guided him to place his feet on the floor, grounding him. Alec kept his weight on the balls of his feet, crouching in front of the warlock where he wouldn’t take his eyes from him.

They both flinched at the sound of the mirror behind Alec shattering and he felt the warlocks grip on him tighten. Alec looked up into panicked eyes and watched the as tremors wracked Magnus’ body.

Alec moved fluidly and carefully in a way that only practise and routine allows. He held on to Magnus’ hand, assuring him he wasn’t going anywhere. He turned the warlock’s arm so that the inside of his forearm was facing upwards and placed the index finger of his other hand on the soft tender skin there.

“Magnus, I need you to listen to me. Can you do that?” Alec said softly.

Magnus tried and failed with words through his choking gasps. Instead he nodded not taking his eyes from Alec’s face.

“I need you to watch the lines I draw with my finger. We are going to draw a square ok? Breathe in on the first line…out on the second…in on the third…out on the last. Ok? I’ll do it with you.” Alec said slowly, trying to make sure Magnus understood.

Magnus dropped his eyes to where Alec’s finger still rested on the warlock’s forearm. He gave Magnus’ hand a squeeze signalling he was going to start. He moved his finger upwards slowly in a straight line and breathed in deeply. He felt a wave of adoration wash over him when he registered Magnus attempting to mimic him. He stopped and started tracing his finger sideways breathing outwards. 

Magnus was struggling but concentrating hard on the right angle Alec had traced on his skin. He moved his finger downwards and continued to model his breathing. Finally he completed the small square on Magnus’ arm, smiling as the warlock released a short shaky breath on the fourth line.

“Good Magnus. That’s good. Ok, bigger square this time…longer breaths ok?” Alec prompted quickly wanting to keep the momentum. 

Alec started tracing his finger upwards again, pushing the line a little longer this time around. He felt a smile linger at his lips when he realised that Magnus hadn’t waited for Alec to breathe with his this time. Alec lifted his eyes and watched the warlock tracking his movement, inhaling and exhaling each time Alec traced past a square corner.

Alec continued in this way, each time making the square a little bigger until Magnus’ breathing had calmed and seemed under control. He was back in the present. Alec kept hold of Magnus’ hand and eventually got up from his crouched positon and sat on the bed next to the warlock. 

“Do you know what triggered it?” Alec asked gently after a moment of silence.

Dark apologetic eyes turned to face him and Alec felt the guilt coming from the warlock in waves. 

“I don’t know…it tends to be anything these days…the temperature, the rain…”

“Me…” Alec interrupted, suddenly realising that was probably the case for tonight at least.

“You helped.” Magnus replied quickly, moving to entwine his fingers with Alec’s. 

“I saw the way you looked at me to begin with…you were scared.” Alec started, voice heavy from the ache he suddenly felt in his chest. “You thought I was him…didn’t you?”

“I felt like I was still asleep…still there. In my dreams h-he sometimes looks like you.” Magnus stuttered out, eyes silently begging Alec not to pull away.

Alec released a heavy sigh. He noted that the smouldering on the tapestry had burned out but could still see traces of whirling smoke in the air around it. He searched the mess that surrounded them for an answer to what he needed to ask. 

“Can we ever get past this?”

Magnus smiled and Alec paused, wondering if he’d phrased his thoughts incorrectly. This surely wasn’t a question to be happy about.

“We can. When I dream…even when he was glamoured as you…your eyes.” Magnus faltered with what he was trying to say and how to phrase it. Alec heard the warlock exhale carefully and felt a hand softly stroke the nape of his neck. He turned, not expecting the sudden contact and was immediately calmed by the fact that Magnus seemed unquestionably comfortable in his presence again.

“Your honesty, your anguish…your conscience…it shines through your eyes. It took me a little while to recognise it but I see you now.” Magnus smiled, trying to make his point. “There’s no mistaking you Alexander.”

Alec had been rendered speechless. He felt a warm comforting glow inside and wanted to pull Magnus towards him. With so few words Magnus had Alec believing there was a chance again. He yearned to always be here for the warlock, to talk him through his night terrors as he had done tonight. Alec gazed down at their interlocked fingers and knew irrevocably that Magnus’ hand was the most valuable thing he’d ever held.

“Did I hurt you?” Magnus asked, drawing Alec from the affectionate thoughts pooling in his head. Alec glanced up to find the warlock checking him over. He pressed his free hand further to his side, hiding the small blisters that stung his palm.

“No. I’m fine” Alec replied, deciding that Magnus didn’t need to battle with the guilt of hurting him right now.

“How did you know what to do?” Magnus asked, his resolve calming with each moment that passed.

“I hate to tell you this but you’re not my first experience of a panic attack.” Alec smiled a little, enjoying the ease of the conversation despite the serious topic. The aftermath of such a pressurised situation gave way to casual recess and Alec often found that it was in these rare moments that his insecurities seemed unimportant. 

“You?” Magnus asked, eyebrows lifting a little in surprise.

“When I was younger…still figuring things out, yeah. Jace and I invented the panic square…or whatever you want to call it… to help distract my mind and calm me down. It works when you’re on your own too…you know, if you ever need to use it again.” Alec said, wincing a little at the thought of Magnus going through that alone.

“I will.” Magnus replied and relinquished his hold on Alec’s hand.

Alec couldn’t help but feel cold at the loss of contact and ached for it back. He watched as the warlock pushed himself back on to the opposite side of the bed and pulled the covers back up. Alec looked around the ruined room, trying to carefully pick a way back out. He heard a snap and knew Magnus had been watching him. The carpet had cleared of glass shards, knitting themselves back together to re-form the shattered window. The inside of the room was calm again, still a mess, but without the angry flapping of the curtains and the invading rain it was acceptable.

Alec stood to leave, feeling heat in his face on realising the warlock was still tracking him. They locked eyes and Alec recognised that defiant vulnerability that had sucked him in at the institute. He knew Magnus didn’t want him to leave any more than he did. The warlock was still holding back, still not vocalising what he wanted. Was he afraid Alec would turn away? Afraid of what it might mean for both of them?

Alec had had enough. Enough of letting others dictate the terms of their interactions. He couldn’t take it anymore. He wanted to know Magnus and he hoped that he felt the same way too. Still, this was new territory for him. He needed to keep things slow, for Magnus’ sake. He needed something to show that he was here for him and that he wouldn’t be frightened away. He heaved in a nervous breath and when he spoke his voice was a little shaky.

“So…are you going to choose this time or am I going to have to go rummaging through everything?”

Magnus’ brow furrowed a little, bemused by Alec’s sudden change in manner. He shook his head slowly, indicating that he had no idea what Alec was referring to.

“A book.” Alec prompted softly.

What Magnus didn’t vocalise beamed through his eyes. They were bright and clear for the first time since Alec had met him and he noted how they crinkled a little at the edges when he returned Alec’s grin. 

Magnus snapped his fingers again, summoning a large old looking book on the bottom of the bed. Alec’s throat tightened when he recognised that it was the same one he’d chosen back at the institute. He felt his heart constrict a little on seeing the warlock’s hopeful face looking up at him. Magnus had remembered this meaningless boring old book, despite everything. 

“This one? Are you sure?” Alec asked picking it up hesitantly.

“I’m sure.” Magnus smiled, edging his head back into the soft embrace of his pillow.


	19. Normailty

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi all,
> 
> Thank you so much for all the fabulous comments on the previous chapter, and for all the birthday wishes. I had a great one :)
> 
> I am going on holiday tomorrow and desperately wanted to update this before I left. I know lots of you were so kind in telling me not to rush it but I did anyway haha. So instead of packing and preparing I've spent literally all day writing this for you. I'm not completely sure of it to be honest...especially the first bits but take it as it is.
> 
> Sorry it jumps all over the place a bit. And sorry for any typos.
> 
> You lovely people are the only thing getting me to April!
> 
> xx

Walking back to the institute Alec pondered over his improved mood and wondered how long he’d be inside before his positivity would be ripped from him. The pale sun had reached its highest point in the sky, minimising the shadows below to small insignificant smudges. 

Alec kicked at a small rock in his path and reluctantly let out an all-encompassing yawn. He felt light and unburdened. Like he’d finally done something right for once in his life. Magnus had managed to sleep through the rest of the night uninterrupted. Alec had stayed with him pushing his fingers softly through the warlock’s hair and watching for any signs of distress. He’d hoped that maybe the comforting contact, or his mere presence had helped keep the dreams away. He mentally chided himself for being so childish but chose to cling on to the belief anyway. 

They’d enjoyed an interesting breakfast together. Their behaviour somehow straddling a fine line between domestic normality and unfamiliar nervousness. Alec had left Magnus’ company mere minutes ago and already he found himself pining to go back. He wanted that clumsy morning routine, and any other normal couple-related activity he could think of. But who was he kidding? Magnus and the circumstances that surrounded him were so far removed from anything even close to normal. That would never be their fate.

Alec trudged towards the institute and recognised the golden glow of a figure sat on the building steps. Jace had obviously been waiting to ambush him before he’d got inside the towering building. His face was serious and his shoulders weighed heavily. Alec felt his earlier optimism seeping from him with each step closer. Seeing his parabati approaching, Jace got up and met him at the foot of the marble steps. 

“Alec...there are some things you need to know before you go inside.” Jace said, seeming a little off.

“Good morning to you too.” Alec joked, trying to lighten the mood a little.

Jace’s usual snarky humour was missing and Alec couldn’t help but think that his parabatai didn’t really seem like himself without it. His face was still serious and Alec couldn’t help but feel a little unnerved by it all.

“Maryse has left…resigned, I mean. She left this morning…went to Idris. I think she’d been trying to contact you but… she gave me this to give to you.”

Alec struggled to hide the shock on his face. Were they talking about the same woman? Maryse Lightwood…resigned? Alec eyed the letter in Jace’s outstretched hand with confusion. He felt the familiar chokehold of guilt wrack his body. He’d ignored her when she’d tried to reach out to him. What had pushed her to reach this conclusion? He knew their family life was anything but harmonious which meant that if anything, his mother had used her work to find solace.

Jace pushed the letter into Alec’s hand pulling him from his thoughts. Alec tried to read his brother’s blank expression before quickly thrusting the letter into his trouser pocket. He’d read it later. Somewhere private where he didn’t feel compelled to school his expressions.

“Lydia is in charge. She’s been inquiring after you for a few hours now.” Jace said, lines of worry beginning to etch on his face.  
“Me? Why?”

“Not sure.” Jace replied, his voice not sounding his own. 

Alec couldn’t help the feeling that Jace was holding back from him. Something in the way he held himself and kept breaking eye contact wasn’t right. On top of that, Alec could physically sense through their bond that Jace was guarding himself. He felt bad…or guilty…or unsure. It was difficult to tell.

“Anything else you didn’t inform me of when I text you this morning?” Alec asked a little resentfully. 

Jace winced a little at his brother’s tone. “I told you about the forsaken attack last night…the bodies are in the morgue but they are…weird. There’s the usual runes but they are covered in all sorts of marks. Looks like Valentine had been using them for painting practise.”

Alec rolled his eyes, unamused with Jace’s dark humour. They had been mundanes once. Living breathing people that hadn’t deserved what they got. Magnus’ whole ordeal had obviously allowed him to connect more fully with the human part of his genetic make-up and now he found he couldn’t shut it off. 

“That’s it really” Jace mused, watching as Alec moved past him and into the building. He choose not to follow his brother this time and slumped back down on the institute steps.

* * *

“Where have you been?” Lydia asked not impolitely as Alec pushed his way into what had once been his mother’s office. It still looked exactly the same. The time frame between Maryse leaving and Lydia assuming charge was obviously too brief and chaotic to waste time re-arranging furniture. 

“Does that matter?” Alec replied innocently, trying to dodge her watchful gaze. The last thing he needed was another Institute head on his back. He considered Lydia an ally, even if she had reported some of his misgivings in the past.

Alec watched her shuffle forward and place her hands calmly on the desk in front of her. She was seemingly waiting for him to make himself comfortable so Alec took a seat in the leather chair opposite her. Lydia looked pointed and diplomatic. Less approachable than she’d been in the past but Alec wondered whether that was just the effect this office had on people.

“I’m assuming you know that your mother stepped down this morning. I haven’t asked you here to discuss the circumstances of that, or gather your opinion. Out of courtesy I’m just letting you know that I have been asked to clear up a lot of the mess she has left behind.” Lydia said, her tone a little clipped and too professional.

Alec hummed in acknowledgement, not liking where this conversation was headed. When he didn’t reply Lydia continued, her tone a little softer.

“Alec…I need you to bring him in.”

Alec felt his vocal chords tighten and his chest constrict. How did she know? Sure she’d seen him not really do anything to stop Magnus from escaping in the field but… Then it hit him like a punch to the gut. Jace. Is this what he’d picked up on? Had Jace mentioned something to her, let something slip? Alec tried to keep a calm composure, ignoring the fact that inside he was squirming under her steady gaze. 

“No. He’s been through enough.” Alec replied, quietly pleased with how steadfast he sounded.

“The clave is willing to do a deal. They just want an end to this cat and mouse nonsense. He is the High Warlock and there has been a black hole of communication with the warlocks for too long.” 

“I thought they weren’t concerned with him. I thought it was considered _low-level!_ ” Alec said a little too loudly, leaning forward in his chair and getting frustrated with Lydia’s calm exterior. 

“The clave want many of your mother’s open cases closed. For that they are willing to let him off lightly, but he will have to come in for trial... _without_ his magic.” Lydia said, her voice gentler now with tones of encouragement.

“Let him off lightly?” Alec scoffed. “He was _tortured!_ What kind of deal are we even looking at here? You’re implying that he will still face some form of punishment. I’m not going to let that happen!”

Lydia heaved a sigh and seemed to ease a little more into the person that Alec recognised. The woman that he felt he could talk to and be open with.

“I’m not completely sure but I can tell you what I do know. The clave have guaranteed that there will be no death penalty ruling and there will be no imprisonment sentence passed.”

Alec kept waiting for Lydia to continue and had to hold back a bitter laugh when she didn’t. He shook his head in disbelief and pushed his hand up through his unkempt hair. 

“ _That’s it?_ ” Alec asked cynically.

“He will have his life. He will have his freedom, Alec. No more hiding or running.” Lydia said, emphasising each word as if that alone would convince Alec.

“He could end up being at their beck and call!” Alec countered.

“I need you to bring him in Alec.” Lydia repeated, posture and expression morphing back into the colder persona he’d been met with on entering the room. “I can promise it will be unprejudiced if you bring him in. I’m being fair here. I’m not questioning your personal relationship or the circumstances of its development. Don’t make me do this by force.”

“I thought you were different.” Alec said, knowing his words would sting. He felt backed into a corner and whilst Lydia’s offer wasn’t completely un-appealing he didn’t know if he could trust the clave. He didn’t know if he was willing to put Magnus’ life on the line for a chance at normality.

“I give you my word Magnus Bane will be fine. Don’t you want to put this all to rest?” Lydia spoke as if to a child.

Alec lifted himself abruptly from his seat. He’d heard enough and he didn’t want to hang around any longer if Lydia was going to dangle the threat of force over him either. His mind was swimming with different options and possibilities, and what they in turn could expose Magnus to. 

“I’ll think about it” Alec muttered. Brusquely leaving this office seemed to have become a habit of his lately. 

* * *

Three days had slowly and painfully passed since Alec had met with Lydia. He’d managed to keep himself to himself and noticed a distinct lack of his parabatai in his daily routine. It seems Jace had had similar ideas. Lydia hadn’t pressed him any further but he could tell that she was building herself up to asking him again. He knew her threats had been somewhat empty. Lydia was peaceful and held no bias. She only used physicality when it was required or if her hand was forced. She had, however, been steadfast in her determination to bring Magnus to trial.

Alec and Magnus had kept up communication the past few days. Everything between them seemed more…honest and genuine. Alec didn’t know what to do. He had made a promise to himself to never lie to Magnus, and he hadn’t. He hadn’t exactly been forthcoming with Lydia’s offer either. He had seen Magnus’ fear in the clutches of the institute first hand. He didn’t know if he could bear to watch him re-live it all again.

Alec sat on the edge of his bed and re-read his absent mother’s letter again desperately searching for a modicum of advice or inspiration.

_Alec,_

_I hope these words find you in a happier place than our last meeting. I need tell you how sorry I am. I owe you a great many apologies and I know that in our family, and our line of work, words mean little. I want you to know that I love you unconditionally. I love you with my actions, not just my words._

_I’m taking some time away from the institute and going back to Idris. Lydia has assured me that she will be fair and reasonable where I was unable to be. I know that for whatever reason, this is what you need. I am not perfect and I know I have made mistakes along the way. Believe me, they are not from a lack of love._

_You need me to let you find your own way and make your own mistakes. Whatever they may be, just know that I will always accept you for them – even if it sometimes takes a little time – I will always accept you. I take great joy in knowing that I am the only woman in this world that can love you this much. Don’t ever change Alec._

_Mom_

Alec mulled it over again. If there was ever a chance for him and Magnus to be free, out in the open, surely this was it? Would they get a better offer? Alec left the note where he’d been sat. As much as he desperately ached for the normalcy Magnus’ freedom could bring, in his heart he knew this wasn’t his decision to make. 

* * *

“You want me to go back there?!” Magnus shouted as soon as Alec tenderly broached the subject. He fractured their ease with one another, recoiling from the sofa and began gesturing wildly as he paced the space in front of Alec. “You want me to go to trial? What was the point in helping me escape in the first place? You should have left me there to attend my first trial!”

Alec slowly got up from his own position on the couch mentally deliberating the way in which he’d phrased his words. He held out his hands and gently grasped Magnus’ shoulders, calming his movements. Magnus’ shirt felt silky and smooth beneath his fingers and Alec found himself momentarily blind sighted by the warlock’s renewed flamboyance in clothing choices. His eyes met Magnus’ concerned ones and he poured every ounce of comfort he could muster into his words. 

“I’m not saying I _want_ you too…you were in pain Magnus. Of course I couldn’t have left you there any longer. This is a chance for you to clear whatever it is they are accusing you of. You’re not a criminal – anyone can see that.” 

Magnus looked worried and Alec hated the lines of anxiety and fatigue that had permanently etched themselves onto the warlock’s otherwise youthful face. Magnus took Alec’s hands in his and sighed, seemingly letting go of the hurt he’d felt when Alec first raised the topic.

“Lydia said you’d as good as get off with it now that mother isn’t in charge anymore.” Alec added, trying to make sure he presented Magnus with all of the facts. He needed him to feel like he’d made an informed decision.

“Do you trust her?” Magnus asked, his voice was small and quiet.

Alec wasn’t sure how to answer. He trusted Lydia, and she had promised that Magnus would be fine. He trusted Jace, and deep down knew that his parabatai’s heart was in the right place. He didn’t trust the clave though.

“She’s fair.” Alec said, knowing he’d avoided the question.

“I don’t know if I can go back there…” Magnus started and didn’t finish. His eyes were watching their fingers twisting together in the space between their bodies.

Alec also lowered his eyes to them before slowly pulling a hand away and gently cupping Magnus’ cheek. Magnus leaned into the contact. It always made Alec’s stomach flip that he didn’t shy away from his touch as often as he used to, and yet he still hoped for more.

“Listen…” Alec started, waiting for Magnus to look at him. “I’m not going to make you do anything you don’t want to. It was presented to me as a chance for freedom. I thought you at least needed to hear it.”

“How do I know they won’t just lock me up as soon as I get over the threshold?” Magnus asked, and Alec could see that he trying to hide the fact that he was scared.

“I won’t let them.” Alec replied. He tilted his head to the side and raised his eyebrows when he heard Magnus scoff. “I _mean_ it. I’m willing to fight my own people for you. I’m so proud of you. Some people show pride in their work, their skills…in patriotism for their country…I don’t really _feel_ any of that. But you…every time I say your name I feel like I’m singing the god-damned national anthem.”

Alec watched as the small smile crept over and transformed Magnus’ face. He bathed in its sunlight and marvelled at how he, Alec Lightwood, had the ability to make the warlock smile like that. 

“You trust me?” Alec asked, giving Magnus’ hand a tight squeeze.

“Yes.” Magus breathed out, eyes slightly glassy.

“It would be nice not having to sneak around anymore…but I don’t want you to do it for me. If you do it, it needs to be for you.” Alec stated.

Alec watched as Magnus’ brow furrowed. He seemed to be contemplating his options a little more carefully now. Alec knew that whatever his decision he would stand by him and support him, whatever that ultimately meant for them both.

“What am I likely to get? Do you know?” Magnus asked and something about it left a sour taste in Alec’s mouth. It reminded him of the way in which Magnus had once asked if he knew what would happen during his interrogations. He found the parallel unnerving and he struggled to get any words out so just shook his head.

“I don’t know if I could bear a ruling of exile” Magnus said almost to himself. 

“Think it over…take your time. It’s a big decision. I’ll stand by you, whatever you decide” Alec said, moving to head towards the loft door. Magnus didn’t release his hand and followed him willingly over to the exit. They paused in front of it, neither wanting to say goodbye.

“You still leave me a little breathless you know…” Magnus started and Alec let out an embarrassed laugh. He felt the familiar heat creep up his neck and on to his face. “Every time you’d come through my cell door I wouldn’t know what to say – and that doesn’t happen often, believe me.”

Without giving it a second thought Alec bowed to his natural instinct and leant in, placing the lightest of kisses on the warlock’s cheek. He closed his eyes and gave himself over to the friction of his lips on Magnus’ soft warm skin. He felt the heat pulsing in his body and was close enough to feel it emanating from Magnus too. His mind felt blissed and his body swayed a little unsteadily, aching to keep the contact.

When he finally pulled away he was suddenly filled with a panic. What if Magnus hadn’t been ready for that? He hadn’t asked him or warned him. His frantic eyes searched Magnus’ face and was immediately calmed on finding an amused expression looking back at him.

“I’m fine Alexander…please stop worrying. I’ll think about everything ok?”

“Ok” Alec smiled and let the tension from his shoulders drop but as usual, it did nothing to mend the frayed nerves within. He didn’t want this to shatter…the sense of abnormal normality that he had grown overly fond of.


	20. Dread

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys...
> 
> sorry for the wait for this one. This is a slightly shorter chapter as the next chapter is going to be a hugeee and I didn't want it to be a mountain to write so it seemed natural to split this bit off. I hope its not too disappointing for you.
> 
> Cant quite believe that this is on over a 100 bookmarks now. I feel like a proud mother.
> 
> xx

Alec anxiously kicked at some of the pebbles that had come loose at the foot of the institute steps. He’d been waiting for almost 45 minutes. He knew he had come a little too soon but he didn’t want to risk Magnus arriving early and missing him, not that that would happen. He knew how much Magnus was dreading today. He knew he may even change his mind and Alec wouldn’t blame him if he did.

Magnus had hesitantly agreed to a trial – more of a hearing if what Lydia had said was true. The whole charade left Alec with a bitter taste in his mouth and he couldn’t escape the heavy feeling of dread that had lodged itself in his stomach. Despite his insistence that he was fine Alec could see that Magnus was putting on a brave face. Alec had done what he could in attempt to make the whole thing less traumatic for the warlock, almost every attempt falling on deaf ears. 

His first insistence was that Magnus be able to keep his magic whilst in the institute, knowing all too well that without it Magnus would feel defenceless. Alec expected the response he got. Warlock magic was only permitted inside the building if it had been formally granted by a member of the clave for the benefit of the institute. A firm _no_ in other words.

His second request however was looked on a little more favourably. As soon as Alec had conveyed Magnus’ willingness to accept a trial Lydia had summoned the Inquisitor and suggested an immediate judgement the very same day. That in itself had seemed a little out of line with usual practise. Lydia was a personal envoy to the clave; surely she could preside over this case if it truly was just a hearing? And why the sudden rush? When Alec had requested more time for Magnus to emotionally prepare himself for what was to come, he was surprised when it was granted. 

In the two days that had been permitted Magnus had been restless and had slipped back into some of his self-depreciative ways. Alec knew the loom of an unknown punishment weighed heavy on his mind. As much as Alec wanted this chance of freedom for the warlock, he hoped that he was doing it for the right reasons.

Alec continued to kick and ground the gravel beneath his feet impatiently. Summer was steadily giving way to Autumn and the pale morning sun clawed at the black shirt on his back. It haphazardly heated his skin before being smothered by the crisp bite of the approaching winter wind. 

Alec looked up on hearing the heavy institute doors creak open. Lydia, flanked by two guards stood waiting impatiently atop the steps. They were dressed in formal attire, similar to Alec. Jurisdictional rulings were considered a strict affair but Alec couldn’t help but feel that it made the whole thing feel more serious than it needed be. He began to doubt himself. Had he grossly underestimated this? 

Stifling his own insecurities, Alec smirked to himself as soon as he realised. Magnus was late. He wondered if it was Magnus’ way of exerting what little control he would have over today. 

A sudden dramatic influx of stinging wind announced Magnus’ arrival as he stepped elegantly from the portal. On seeing Alec he gave a shy smile of acknowledgement and headed in his direction. Alec allowed his eyes a quick glance over the warlock. He looked incredible. Adorned in black suit trousers, a tailored blue shirt with golden accents and accessories to match; Alec felt a little breathless. The only crack in Magnus’ exterior was the unbidden anxiety in his expression.

“Don’t doubt me ok? I’ve got you. I’m not letting anything happen to you… You’ll get to go home at the end of all this” Alec stated, immediately seeking to do whatever he could to ease Magnus’ tension.

Magnus just nodded uneasily, turning to glance towards the figures waiting above for him. Placing a hand on the small of his back, Alec guided him up the steps towards Lydia.

“Mr Bane, thank you for your co-operation in turning yourself over to the clave.” Lydia said, the epitome of professionalism.

Again, Magnus just nodded. His eyes carefully took in Lydia’s countenance, silently assessing her as the new head of the institute. 

“Shall we just get on with this?” Lydia asked breaking the awkward silence that had fallen. She slowly pulled out a pair of all-too-familiar looking cuffs and started to edge towards Magnus who immediately backed up into Alec. 

“Is that really necessary?” Alec asked, seeing panic grab hold of the warlock. “You can trust him…do you really need to physically bind him?”

“I’m afraid it’s at the Inquisitor’s insistence.” Lydia replied apologetically. She looked towards Magnus who had unsteadily moved himself back down a few steps in order to put more distance between them. “No magic inside unless it’s been granted.”

Alec pushed his hands up over his face in frustration and sighed heavily. He moved to take the restraints from Lydia and then turned his back to her. Slowly he made his way down a few steps until he was level with Magnus’ wounding stare.

“I knew there was a chance…but I wasn’t…I didn’t know for sure that they would bind your magic. No one is making you do this Magnus. You can leave if you need to…I’ll even go with you if you want me to.” Alec said, allowing his eyes to trace over the runes and wards etched into the cold metal cuffs between his fingers.

“But then we are back to square one…” Magnus replied, his voice a little shaky and unsure.

“What do you want to do?” Alec asked, his eyes searching Magnus for any indication.

A collecting silence held them for a brief moment before Magnus released a long sigh. He seemed tired. Tired of running; tired of hiding; tired of being afraid. He started anxiously un-doing the buttons at each cuff of his shirtsleeve and slowly rolled each one up to just below the elbow. Alec’s brow furrowed and the dread he had felt from earlier this morning felt like it was bubbling inside of him. He needed to be calm and steady, not apprehension personified. 

“Alexander… I want a chance with you. A real one.” Magnus answered quietly, offering his wrists up to Alec. “You took a risk with me…and no matter what I said…or did…you didn’t stay away. I know things aren’t exactly as they should be, but if that is something you might want…”

“I want it” Alec interrupted quickly. The sudden enthusiasm garnered the first hint of a smile Alec had seen from the warlock in days. He gently clasped his free hand over one of Magnus’ wrists and tried to keep his thoughts from the damage the cuffs had done the last time Magnus had worn them. “Will they hurt you?”

“No, not really. It’s more like a heavy pressure…I suppose like…like needing to scream without a voice. They just bring back memories, that’s all.” Magnus said, his shoulders dropping a little as if he’d accepted the inevitability of the situation. 

Alec bit his lip harshly and eyed the heavy metal cuffs. He couldn’t bring himself to look Magnus in the eye as he secured each one around the soft tender skin of the warlock’s wrists. He felt each shudder and groan from the warlock as if it were his own. It felt wrong, caging that iridescent power that he had grown to crave. Magnus shuffled self-consciously, clasping his fingers together in front of him and lifted his eyes to Alec’s despaired expression. 

Trying not to give way to the protectiveness Alec felt over the warlock, he led him back to where Lydia stood waiting. She led the way inside, instructing the guards to flank Magnus as he followed behind her. Alec walked slowly behind with a feeling of unease. His instincts told him that something was off and yet, he trusted Lydia to do what was right. He had never been so at war with his own instincts before. There was too much on the line this time. 

Alec’s eyes widened at the crowd of shadowhunters that had gathered in the main hall. Had they paused their daily routines just to see the warlock that had escaped their clutches? He felt incredibly unsettled making his way through them. Too many eyes pierced him. He could feel them searing and burning into his skin as he watched Magnus from behind, shoulders back and walking confidently. His walls were back up – Alec recognised the act.

Alec lifted his own gaze to look out amongst his own people, nervous at what he might see reflected back at him. Confusion, intrigue and some resentment… thankfully no glares of murderous anger but it was enough to make Alec feel self-conscious. Then he finally saw what he’d desperately needed – reassurance. 

A proud smile and dark eyes amidst a web of ebony hair as black as his own. Izzy. Her unwavering belief in his actions was the core of his own identity. He would always have her, and Jace too. Even if this all went wrong and Alec needed to act rashly. He would have them. He would have Magnus. It pumped confidence back through his body. They would get through this. If someone with a soul as pure as Magnus’ couldn’t be spared then surely they were all doomed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mid writing the trial now...


	21. Judgement

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi all,
> 
> sorry for the slight delay with this chapter. Its been half written for a little while and I've gradually been adding to it but life keeps me busy.
> 
> Its quite a tense chapter and quite long too so at least its been worth waiting for...I think.
> 
> I've had a pretty crappy week in work this week so would love some stuff to read from you beautiful people. Also, one of my newer readers suggested a song that reminded them of this fic and I had a listen and am now slightly in love with it. Would be interesting to see if anyone else had thoughts like that?
> 
> Much love xxx

The discontent in the air was palpable. So much so that it thickened the very air surrounding the hearing. Magnus had been led into the room and guided to the singular chair placed before an elevated panel made up of three figures. Alec recognised Lydia and the stony expression of Inquisitor Herondale to her right. He considered her mentality and beliefs to be somewhat dated but hoped against hope that today she might live to surprise him. Alec assumed the third figure looking down his nose at the warlock before him was an official record keeper for the clave. He continually adjusted and re-adjusted the thick framed glasses on his face and then moved to ordering the papers and files placed in front of him. Together they made up a somewhat intimidating looking collection of shadowhunters. Their blank expressions when paired with the blatant lack of comradery between them left Alec feeling a little cold.

Alec was glad that Lydia had insisted upon a private hearing, barring all those that hadn’t been in direct contact with Magnus Bane. The less eyes on them the better. Alec could always fool himself into a guarded ease with less people around to scrutinise him. Alec took a seat in one of the few rows of chairs distantly placed towards the back of the room. The guards that had escorted Magnus into the room now stood in the doorway, prohibiting any entry or exit. 

Alec felt uneasy. He didn’t like having a clear exit route. He didn’t like that he couldn’t read Magnus’ face from where he sat. He definitely didn’t like the way the warlock currently sat, slightly slouched and rubbing at the bonds around his wrists. Mostly he hated that across the aisle in the middle of the room, in a chair identical to the one he was currently sat in, was Sebastian. A snide smirk ate up his face as he met Alec’s gaze and leaned back comfortably, stretching out his legs. Alec shot him a murderous stare before his eyes moved to the figure sitting behind him. In contrast, Jace offered him a sympathetic smile and Alec could almost feel his words echoing through their bond… _Everything will be fine…Try not to worry._

Would everything be fine though? Alec couldn’t put his finger on it but something still definitely felt wrong. The shadowhunters that were present, including the guards at the door were all fully armed for hunting. Seraph blades and daggers only a grasp away in holsters. Alec subtly registered that Pangborn, sitting a little off to his left, even had his hunting dagger concealed beneath his standard issue jacket. Alec went back and forth in his mind, wondering if he should stop this before it even began. There weren’t so many people in here that he couldn’t make a run for Magnus. Catch everyone off guard. All he would have to do is release the cuffs and Magnus could go – but would he? Alec would no doubt be arrested, if he was lucky. 

“Thank you all for gathering. Present today for sentencing are myself, Lydia Branwell, and Imogen Herondale. Also present for the purposes of documentation and, if required, further consultation, is Benjamin Hightower.” Lydia stated firmly, pulling Alec back to the present and announcing the beginning of the hearing. She flipped open a large file in front of her and began lightly scanning. The man now identified as Benjamin began scribbling on the paper in front of him, presumably transcribing Lydia’s words. “Would the accused please state his name?” 

“Magnus Bane” Magnus said, his voice sounded uneasy and weighed with untold anxieties. Alec swallowed past the building discomfort in his throat. That would be the easiest question asked of the warlock. 

“You are here to address outstanding criminal allegations and a reprimand will be settled accordingly. Your co-operation for attending today will be taken into account.” Lydia continued, making no effort to mince her words. Alec knew she was to the point but in this context he couldn’t help but want to shield Magnus from her coldness. 

“Magnus Bane you stand accused of the following…” Lydia began, quickly side glancing the Inquisitor’s unyielding face. She hadn’t taken her eyes off the warlock since he’d entered the room. “Perverting the course of justice, aiding and abetting a known felon as well as treason against the accords set down and agreed upon by the clave.” 

Alec winced when the final charge was read out. He knew of the first two but the final accusation seemed to carry more weight. As a shadowhunter he also knew that a charge of treason was similarly punished more severely. It was considered a very serious charge. He felt his upper lip curl with disgust when his peripheral vision caught Sebastian nodding along with the allegations in agreement. 

“Do you acknowledge and understand these claims warlock?” The Inquisitor asked, clasping her hands on the table in front of her. 

Magnus shuffled uncomfortably in his seat and Alec acknowledged the clank of the metal caging his magic. Alec battled the urge to go to him as he often did when Magnus looked like this. He recognised the body language. Slightly drawn into himself, keeping himself safe whilst trying to retain an air of defiance. Guarding himself against a whole room of people. 

“Yes. Although, I find them a little harsh as I’m sure the harassment of downworlders and brutal imprisonment is also a breach of the accords but whatever…” Magnus said, locking eyes with the Inquisitor. There was that defiance that Alec loved to hate. It made his chest swell with pride that the warlock wouldn’t allow himself to be beaten but he knew that speaking to members of the clave like that would do Magnus no favours. 

“A simple yes or no is all that is required Bane.” The inquisitor replied haughtily, giving Benjamin Hightower a look that screamed _strike the previous statement from the record._

“…Yes” Magnus breathed out dejectedly and Alec could see that his jaw was tightly clenching and unclenching. 

A thick silence enveloped the tightly packed room. Alec wiped his hands on the legs of his trousers, his discomfort at the atmosphere evident. Magnus and Inquisitor Herondale eyed one another carefully before Lydia continued. 

“For documentation purposes let’s do this chronologically.” She nodded at Hightower to continue his written work and resumed flicking through Magnus’ file. “The warlock Ragnor Fell was in custody under head of the institute at the time, Maryse Lightwood. He was known to be in possession of the Book of the White. He refused to give the item up. At this time, you were assisting the institute with an unrelated vampire case. Is this correct?” 

“Yes” Magnus stated. 

“You were aware of the fact that Maryse Lightwood required the item to pursue a line of enquiry relating to Valentine Morgenstern?” Lydia looked up from her file, prompting Magnus’ reply. 

“Yes.” 

“Ragnor Fell is a close personal friend of yours?” 

“Yes.” 

“You abused your position of trust within the institute. You aided Fell in an escape, sacrificing any outcome The Book of the White may have provided. You violated the faith given to you by members of the clave and abandoned your allegiance to the accords.” Lydia stated a little harshly, raising an eyebrow. 

Alec shuddered. This was going far worse than he’d hoped for. At what point was he supposed to step in? Would Magnus want him to blindly intervene or would he try to communicate with him for help? Would he even ask for help? Last time Alec had needed to practically beg the warlock to allow him to help him escape. 

“The book would have been no use! Maryse was clutching at straws and she knew it! I wasn’t going to leave him here in a cell to endure all of your inhumane tortures…” Magnus started, the agitation he obviously felt inside beginning to leak into his words. 

“Yes or no, Bane!” The Inquisitor reminded, interrupting his outburst. 

Magnus heaved a heavy sigh and deflated again. “Yes” he practically whispered, voice sounding more defeated than before. 

“You still know the location of Ragnor Fell, and ultimately, the Book of the White?” The Inquisitor probed and seemed a little taken aback at the almost animalistic growl that left the warlock in response. Alec didn’t like where this was going. He glanced nervously around at the guards standing alert at the doorway, hands locked on the hilts of their blades. 

“Yes…but I _won’t_ give him up to you.” Magnus stated, firmly clenching his hands together. 

“I am aware of the failings of the previous head of the Institute in that regard…” Lydia interrupted the downward spiral of taunts and Alec couldn’t have been more grateful. “Let us not repeat past mistakes?” She continued, aiming her words towards the Inquisitor who reluctantly nodded and leaned back slightly in her chair still glowering at Magnus. 

Alec hated how small Magnus looked. How out of place he looked here in the clinical monochrome Institute. He was colour, and light, and spontaneity. All this he had begun to realise the closer Magnus had allowed him to grow. Alec ached to see his unburdened smile. To hear a genuine laugh. These rarities had been few and far between to begin with, but the more time Alec had spent with him the more he noticed them beginning to push themselves back to his cracked surface. He felt himself pausing to soak in their imagined glory. Today was a monumental step backwards. Seeing Magnus, his Magnus, leered over with sleeves rolled up highlighting the cold metal that bound him hurt Alec in a way that he didn’t know someone could. He didn’t know how much more pain the warlock could take… how much more _he_ could take. 

“I now refer to your most recent imprisonment.” Lydia continued, and Alec pushed a weary hand over his face. “You were brought to the institute against your will. You were subjected to three rounds of questioning before your escape. The purpose and reasoning behind Maryse Lightwood’s insistence for interrogation is unclear at this time. Do you deem this information to be accurate?” 

“Yes” 

“Before we progress further I am duty bound to encourage you to state the names of any accomplice that aided you in your escape attempt.” Lydia stated sharply, looking directly at Magnus who quickly dropped his gaze to the ground. 

Alec froze on hearing her words and felt his body tense up. He knew Magnus would never give him up but at the same time felt heat course through him. He felt under the spotlight, even if only he and his parabatai knew of their guilt for certain. Alec chanced a side glance at Jace who looked unusually tense. He didn’t meet Alec’s eyes and without meaning to his gaze drifted to the lithe figure in front of his brother. Sebastian scoffed knowingly at Magnus’ refusal to divulge information but was soon pierced by the Inquisitor’s cold, commanding stare. Even he wouldn’t dare interrupt her procession. He turned his gaze to Alec, eyes burning with hate and calculated assumptions. 

“Very well.” Lydia continued, sensing Magnus’ building tension at the stubborn silence. He kept his eyes low and away from the Inquisitors penetrating glare. “Let’s continue…For the record, please state the names of the shadowhunters you had contact with in relation to sentry duty.” 

“Alexander Lightwood. Jace Lightwood.” Magnus breathed out and Alec knew he was trying to keep his tone steady and even. He was trying to keep calm. 

“Can you please also state the name of the shadowhunter charged with your interrogation whilst in custody?” Lydia asked, pushing the open file in front of her over to the Inquisitor for her perusal. Alec noticed Sebastian sit forward in anticipation, putting his elbows on his knees and licking his lips like a starved beast. 

“Sebastian Verlac.” Magnus said, attempting the same tone as before but not quite managing it. Alec knew him well enough to pick up on the slight break in his voice and grimaced on hearing it. He didn’t know how in depth this was going to get but hoped for Magnus’ sake that the finer details of his so-called interrogation would be passed over. 

The Inquisitor had been casually mulling over the file at her fingertips and suddenly interrupted the Lydia’s by-the-book questioning. “Mr Bane, I’m going to ask you about your interrogation.” 

_“Why?”_ Magnus said, almost too quickly. His body language, if possible, became even more defensive. Alec didn’t want this for him and felt uncomfortable where he sat. He hopelessly yearned for the warlock to escape his never-ending cycle of having to live and re-live his tortures over and over again. He clenched his jaw in frustration, knowing all too well that the Inquisitor knew no social boundaries. 

“Humour me.” She smiled a crocodile smile down at Magnus before continuing. “Mr Verlac employed a number of strategies to encourage you to give up the warlock Ragnor Fell. I can see from your file that you endured a combination of emotional and physical trauma. Correct?” 

“Yes” Magnus almost whispered, now seeming as if the carpet had been pulled out from underneath him. Alec could feel the angry heat surging through his body and moving across his chest. He knew Magnus wouldn’t want details of his ordeal made public like this, even if the room was far from full. It was degrading, but maybe that was her purpose. Sebastian’s face failed to stifle the obvious pleasure he got from hearing all of this and Alec smothered his sudden urge to walk over and punch him. 

“I take it you are aware of routine shadowhunter practise in relation to prisoner interrogation?” 

“I am” Magnus acknowledged. 

“I believe you underwent more…irregular methods?” 

“I suppose you could say that…” Magnus said, voice oozing reluctance to go into detail. “A little more medieval than I expected.” 

“In what way?” the Inquisitor prompted, clearly wanting more. 

Alec watched Magnus turn to Lydia, seemingly looking for a way out. When she didn’t come to his aid his head dropped a little, focussing instead on the way his skin strained against the metal joining his wrists. “I’m sure you’ve already got the details…” he began. 

"We need it in your _own_ words Bane…for the records of course.” The Inquisitor interrupted him. 

Magnus looked up incredulous. Alec couldn’t believe their lack of empathy, and all because the man before them was a downworlder. Even prisoners in the City of Bones were capable of more compassion. 

“The use of waterboarding...stress positions…flogging…racking…” Magnus’ voice had started to waver now. 

“Any more?” The Inquisitor enquired coldly. 

_“Any more?_ Are you enjoying this?” Magnus asked, the hurt now unmistakable in his voice. 

“Some of the methods you have stated have not been detailed here.” The Inquisitor stated whilst gesturing to Magnus’ file. Alec for a moment believed she was going to accuse Magnus of making the whole thing up. “There is no proof Mr Bane.” 

_“Proof?”_ Magnus repeated, the expression on his face visibly wounded. 

“Is it true…” the Inquisitor began cautiously side glancing Lydia. “Is it true that you were branded?" 

Magnus went eerily quiet. His brow was heavy with hurt and confusion, mirroring Alec’s current expression. Where was this going? Why was this relevant? 

“If that isn’t detailed in my file then how do you know about it?” Magnus asked, deflecting the question as best as he could. Alec knew this tactic. It was one of the warlock’s best defence mechanisms. Anything to hide what he believed to be a weakness, a claim on his soul. He wouldn’t reveal one of the most vulnerable sides of himself. 

“ _Yes_ or _no_ Bane.” The Inquisitor prompted. 

Alec looked over at Jace who continued to avoid his eyes but briefly saw him lock eyes with Lydia. Had Jace told her of the brand? He would have been the only other person to know of its existence besides Magnus, himself and Verlac. What the hell was Jace playing at? Why had he given so much over to Lydia and the clave? Alec’s head was riddled with questions. Confusion etched across his face. He felt a tinge of guilt coming from their bond and he knew that Jace was aware of his eyes on him. 

“What has this got to do with anything? I thought this was an interview concerning my so-called criminal actions?” Magnus continued, standing suddenly from the seat he’d occupied. He turned slightly, making eye contact ever so briefly with Alec but there was nothing of warmth there. Magnus was guarded. He knew the warlock felt alone and trapped. 

“Is it true?” 

The room fell silent again and Alec watched Sebastian shift a little where he sat. Magnus took a moment to gather himself before he lifted his chin and breathed out a shaky “yes.” 

“Magnus, I need you to show us.” Lydia said before the Inquisitor had a chance to continue. Alec was grateful that her tone had softened slightly but to what end?  
Magnus took an uncomfortable step backwards. Eyes pleading with Lydia not to make him do this. It was clear by now that many members of the room were more than a little confused by the way the hearing had taken a bit of a turn. 

“Mr Bane, if you please…” The inquisitor prompted again, her voice only moderately kinder. It was a small victory of sorts. 

Magnus turned to look at Alec, his face soundlessly asking for advice. He looked so lonely and exhausted. Alec stared back, silently communicating with him. _It’s your choice. I’ll be here for you regardless._

With shaky hands Magnus began to undo the top button of his shirt. The cuffs made it difficult to manoeuvre but he took in a few small breaths and eventually managed it. He continued to undo the second button, and then a third until Alec saw the unmistakable brand on his flesh. There were a few gasps and mutterings from other shadowhunters and Alec watched Magnus flinch slightly at the reaction it got. He would tell the warlock later that every part of him was beautiful, and that he never need hide anything about himself. Alec tried hopelessly to catch the warlock’s eye. To give him a proud and loving smile, but Magnus kept his eyes on the hands still clinging to his shirt. 

Sebastian shuffled slightly in his seat and Alec noted that he didn’t seem so smug anymore. Branding as a form of severe interrogation wasn’t illegal but heavily frowned upon. As much as Verlac had enjoyed it at the time many others here obviously didn’t share his sentiments. 

“Am I right in thinking that you can’t remove it warlock?” The Inquisitor asked, standing slowly from her sitting position to get a better look. “You can’t glamour it?” 

“H-how did you know…” Magnus began but was interrupted. 

Alec didn’t know why but tensions in the room seemed to suddenly spike. Angered murmurings broke out, some shadowhunters stood, leaning forward to better hear what the Inquisitor was about to say. Alec felt out of the loop. He left his seat and edged a little closer to the front, closer to Magnus. He needed to get to him. What the _hell_ was happening? 

“Mr Bane…” The Inquisitor said, voice now loud and commanding as if she were addressing more than just Magnus. Her voice sounded like she was about to pass judgement. “I have in front of me a file detailing the forsaken attack orchestrated by Valentine a few nights ago. They too had branding marks amongst other atrocities. These brands could not be removed and are similar in appearance to the one you currently sport on your skin.” 

Alec looked around panicked for his parabatai. Jace was sat with his hand clasped around the handle of his seraph blade. There was a sudden stillness in the air. The calm dulled static before a monstrous electrical storm. Eyes glanced nervously around the room. Others were beginning to stand now too, preparing themselves for some kind of fight. Alec snapped his gaze back to the Inquisitor. 

“Our experts found that such brands can mark only on those without angelic blood. Pure adamas can be heated to an incredibly high temperature and stoked in a fire that contains seven varying coals from Edom. The mark it leaves when branded on skin is permanent. It also became painful and newly inflamed when it came into contact with holy water. If your mark reacts in a similar way to the water then it seems that we have a traitor in our midst. So…would you acquiesce to an experiment Mr Bane?” 

The fear that immediately crossed Magnus’ face was all the motivation that Alec had needed. This had gone far enough. He wouldn’t let them hurt him again. However it seemed that Alec wasn’t the only figure in the room to leap into action at that precise moment. Seemingly aware that he had been caught out Sebastian leapt to his feet drawing his concealed blade and brutally slashing at a man attempting to block his path. Alec watched him crumple to the floor. A current of bodies began pushing to get at Sebastian and Alec fought against them, needing to get to the one that needed him the most. 

The room was filled with angered screams and metal smashing against metal. He heard the Inquisitor screaming to take him alive. He heard cries for help and agonised whimpering. Alec jumped over a chair in front of him and could see Magnus a little ahead, trying desperately to back away from the bloody fray that was closing the space around him. Magnus was defenceless and emotionally hurt. Despite the volume of people in the room not one of them had made a move to safeguard the warlock. Not one of them had made any sort of effort to think of him, to keep him safe. Magnus had been a means to an end. Used by shadowhunters _again_ to trap one of their own. Of course Alec hated Sebastian but no one held more importance to him in this moment than Magnus. 

Alec pushed another chair from his path and tried calling for Magnus. His voice was smothered by the conflict. He watched as the warlock was shoved and pushed by the bodies around him. He saw Magnus’ back hit against the wall at the far end of the room. His eyes were wide and scared. They were searching, _searching_ for Alec. He was pulling desperately at the bonds around his wrists, trying aimlessly to free his magic. 

Alec stepped past a man with a nasty facial wound holding himself unsteadily. Sebastian was fighting like a crazed animal. Fighting to kill and to maim, striking at anything and everything that came in his path. There was only a small space between where Magnus was cornered and Sebastian’s feral slashing. Alec pushed on, frantically shoving objects and people out of his way. He could feel the urgency in his bones. Only one unknown shadowhunter’s body stood fighting in the space between Magnus and Verlac. 

Alec’s heart almost stopped beating when the unknown shadowhunter fell the floor, the life gone out of his eyes. 


	22. Heart

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi all,
> 
> here is the next chapter for you... a little quicker than my usual ability. 
> 
> So, one chapter left after this one and this fic is done! My first multi-work and I love it so much. It's like my baby. 
> 
> I can't believe the response the previous chapter got!! Seriously, its been a little disheartening seeing comment numbers dwindle as time has gone on as I started this when 2B was airing. I thought maybe because of the hiatus that less and less people would be reading or would discontinue reading but I was amazed by you lovelies on the last one.
> 
> You all make me so unrealistically happy :)

Alec’s heart was in his mouth. His mind was consumed by only one thought; _get to Magnus._ He hadn’t considered his route. He hadn’t considered the dangers or the fact that he was unarmed. He blindly shouldered and shoved past anything and everything in his way. The room was in chaos but Alec’s eyes hadn’t shifted from the warlock now staring wide eyed directly at Sebastian.

He was almost there. Almost within reach. Everything was moving in slow motion. The cruel snarl ripping from Sebastian’s throat on seeing just who was next in line to meet his blade. The way that Magnus’ bound hands pushed out at the air in front of him, making it obvious that he was defenceless. The guard’s movements echoing from the main entry way to enter the fray. They would be too late – Sebastian would move too quickly. 

Alec’s mind was frantic now…he couldn’t, _wouldn’t,_ let anything happen again. People were rushing in from all angles. All heading for Sebastian. He had to know that he would be captured. He couldn’t take on everyone. 

Suddenly Alec understood the reason behind the spiteful glee on Sebastian’s face. Magnus was the one person that could legally incriminate him. He’d go for the brand on his chest. Stab at it, carve it out…kill it from the source. Everything was happening too late…Alec would be too late. He was always too late. He didn’t want his last memory of the warlock to be the terrified resignation currently in his glazed eyes. 

“Alec! In on your left!”

Alec’s body responded to the cry without registering the words. His muscle memory had ripped him from his thoughts and stifled the blind panic. He’d fought alongside his parabatai countless times. Enough to know that he needed to get himself out of the way. Alec shifted himself and watched as a runed throwing star shot past his right side embedding itself deep into Verlac’s calf. He saw the light spray of red and the way it unbalanced the shadowhunter’s stance. It was enough to make him stay his raised blade and release an agonised and angry scream. 

It bought Alec time. He continued to tear across the room and almost crashed into Magnus as he threw himself gracelessly in front of him. Alec slammed his hands against the wall that Magnus had backed into, one either side of his head. He locked his arms and used his body to shield the warlock as best as he could manage, knowing that a fatal blow would be raining down on him any minute. He couldn’t see the carnage the room had descended into any more. He could only see shocked dark eyes staring up at him, inches away from his own face. He felt the warlock’s hands firmly twist into the fabric of his shirt and registered panicked breaths mingling with his own heavy exhales. 

Alec’s senses were overwhelmed with gratitude. The gratitude he felt for his parabatai and his ability to buy him time to get to Magnus. For him to get in the way of Verlac’s assault. Even if Sebastian cut Alec down, the others would be upon him before he could progress further. Magnus would be safe. He hadn’t failed. He was glad that the last thing he would get see would the man beneath him, clinging to him. As far as last sights went, the shining eyes reaching up from Magnus were more than he would have ever hoped for. The confusion shadowed in the furrowed lines on the warlock’s face dismayed him a little though. Why did Magnus always deem himself so undeserving?

Alec continued to brace himself for an imminent strike. He waited, searching Magnus’ face. He waited, listening to the cries and screams from behind. He waited, and waited for the blow that never came. 

Alec flinched at the gentle hand on his shoulder. Lydia, a light cut across her cheek and a dagger in her hand. She smiled encouragingly and then moved off to where Jace had a rough hold of Sebastian. Deeming it safe enough Alec locked eyes with his brother and tried to convey the pride and thanks he felt that he would never be able to word. 

Verlac was in custody, slightly battered and bloody but Jace and Pangborn had a brutal grip on him. His blood-stained seraph blade lay discarded at some distance from them. It didn’t stop Sebastian’s maniacal gaze from landing on it as he searched the room frantically. Alec met his gaze, burning his eyes down to his very core. Sebastian’s lip curled in disgust and he spat in Alec’s direction. He scoffed in response, only serving to infuriate Verlac further. 

Alec watched as Lydia and Jace exchanged words and Sebastian was dragged from the room spitting and snarling. His screams that Valentine would endure and that he would burn the institute to the ground were met with angry shouts from those gathered in the institute main hall. Many of the shadowhunters in the room exited with the prisoner, presumably to stop a mob from forming outside. Sebastian was the clave’s problem now and Alec knew that there was nothing the clave hated more than a traitor of their own kind. A few others milled around the room, helping those that had sustained injuries or moving bodies to the infirmary. 

Alec gently took one of Magnus’ hands in his own and gave it a light squeeze. He offered a comforting smile to the warlock when he was met with questioning eyes. The Inquisitor was here after all. After what had just happened, after what he had almost lost, he found that he no longer cared. 

Lydia moved and placed her dagger on the desk Inquisitor Herondale and Benjamin Hightower hadn’t moved from. She leaned against it sighing tiredly, unfazed by their interlocked hands. The Inquisitor eyed them both with distaste, her eyebrow slightly raised but said nothing. 

“So this whole thing was just a rouse?” Alec asked, expression incredulous.

“Not exactly…” Lydia explained, wiping her hands together. “Your brother saw the marks on the forsaken and said they looked familiar…that he’d seen them before. When I questioned him further it became harder and harder for him to hide your involvement… he cut a deal. He told me he could give me information that would lead to the capture of Sebastian if we agreed that no further action would be taken against you for anything that may come to light.”

The Inquisitor’s pressed her hands firmly together and leaned into the desk a little. “We needed all reactions to be genuine.” She said somewhat coldly. “Apprehending Mr Verlac was of the utmost importance. His guard needed to be down. Everything else was to be considered collateral damage.”

Alec wanted to scoff at that and then thought better of it. It was probably best not to undermine the Inquisitor’s authority whilst in her presence. Lydia watched the Inquisitor as she’d spoken. He knew she didn’t agree with a lot of what she said or believed but her position was inferior to Herondale’s. 

“You were right to empathise with Magnus, Alec.” Lydia said, standing from her position. Her voice was soft and somewhat apologetic. “You acted on your own initiative… on what you believed was right. You’d make a great head of the Institute someday…if that’s something you’re interested in?”

Alec hadn’t been expecting that. It was as if the breath had been knocked out of him. His mother had always primed him to take over from her. By protecting Magnus he thought he’d be ruining his chances not helping them. He caught the stifled grin from the warlock in his peripheral vision and felt his stomach flutter slightly.

“Y-yeah. I mean…of course” Alec stuttered.

“I won’t be here forever.” Lydia said lightly. “Primarily my work is centred on clave officials but it has been agreed that I will act as interim head of the New York Institute until I can appoint a worthy candidate.”

Alec flicked his gaze to the Inquisitor to gage her reaction to this. She sat stony faced behind the desk still. Would she really agree to this? Would she really agree to appoint him, Alec Lightwood? The man currently hand-in-hand with the High warlock of Brooklyn. The Inquisitor’s expression was relatively neutral, which some may consider a victory. He supposed he didn’t need her to agree – just for her to not feel strongly enough to argue against it. 

All members of the panel had obviously known it had been him that had helped Magnus escape but without any verbal confirmation it stayed off the record. Alec eyed Hightower and his record keeper’s notes with unease. He felt Magnus give his hand a small squeeze and instantly calmed. Magnus was here. Magnus would be ok…wait… _would he be ok?_

“And Magnus?” Alec asked tentatively, watching the warlock lift curious eyes to Lydia also.

Lydia moved herself back around to her seat behind the desk, resuming the position she took before Sebastian had let his wrath loose on the room. 

“He still needs to answer his charges I’m afraid…” Lydia began, voice softening. She addressed Magnus when she continued. “I’m so sorry for the ordeal you have gone through Magnus. I want to offer you my personal apologies.”

The Inquisitor continued to sit at the centre of the table, tight lipped and aloof. There would be no apology from her and both Magnus and Alec knew it.

“It wasn’t your doing, but thank you.” Magnus said, his voice gracious.

“For the role you have played in assisting in the capture of Sebastian Verlac, both myself and the clave have deemed it fair that one of the allegations against you may be negated…it’s your choice which of them you’d like commuted.” Lydia said, smiling at the shocked expression of Magnus’ face.

Alec felt the weight he felt he’d been carrying on his shoulders for a long time, lift a little. This was Magnus’ choice. There was an obvious answer here and he hoped the warlock knew enough the make it. Magnus released Alec’s hand and took a bold step closer to the panel.

“I’d like to negate the charge of treason.” Magnus stated confidently and Alec struggled to hide his smirk. 

“I had a feeling you’d say that” smiled Lydia in response. 

“If you will allow us a few moments we are required to deliberate and determine an appropriate reprimand.” The Inquisitor interrupted firmly, abruptly pushing herself up. It was blatantly obvious that this hearing held little to no importance to her anymore. 

Alec watched as the trio of panel members gathered with one another, discussing an obvious difference of opinion in hushed tones. Magnus’ brow had furrowed slightly at the quiet commotion and Alec knew he was swallowing his nerves as he waited. He stepped a little closer to Magnus, brushing a hand down his arm and letting it rest on the cuffs he still wore. 

“Hey…I’m proud of you…for today.” Alec whispered, feeling the heat in his face.

Magnus melted into a warm smile. “I could listen to you say that over and over” he laughed.

Alec gave himself over to the comforting warmth Magnus’ smile had induced. He couldn’t put his finger on it but something had changed. _He_ had changed. He’d become so vulnerable and open in his responses to the warlock. It felt like his chest had opened, his heart had opened, and Magnus had somehow got inside. Alec had tried to build defences so that nothing and no one could hurt him, only to have a warlock thrust into his life and take a piece of him. Magnus hadn’t asked for it. He’d allowed Alec to know him, _truly_ know him. He’d smiled at him and laughed at him. Without realising, Alec had given himself whole-heartedly over to his passive comfort. He felt that his life wasn’t the same any more. Not quite his own. He cared about Magnus… _more than cared._

“I’ll say it over and over again…every day if you need” Alec said earnestly. 

Alec watched as Magnus closed his eyes and gave a little exhaled laugh. Tracing the lines of the warlock’s face with his eyes, it suddenly dawned on Alec how deep he was. Surely he had no right to feel this strongly? Magnus had been in a position of great vulnerability when they’d met. Had Alec taken advantage of him?

 _Why?!_ Why did all of the doubts and the insecurities come knocking as soon as the Alec felt the smallest ray of happiness? His mind had been restful and cosy but now… _now_ it was swimming. He tried to keep the inner anguish from his expression. The last thing Magnus needed to worry about was his childish insecurities. The warlock looked happy though, the embers of the smile still clinging to his lips. Was that real? Or had he just forgotten what real happiness could be? He’d been hiding for so long. Surely that would all change soon…he’d be free. Free to go where he wanted…be with whomever he wanted.

“Magnus Bane…” Lydia announced, pulling Alec from his own turbulence. He hadn’t even noticed that they had finished deliberating. “You stand accused of perverting the course of justice and aiding and abetting a known felon. We have taken into account your recent co-operations and the unfortunate handling you received at the hands of the New York Institute.”

Magnus side glanced at Alec as Lydia spoke. He gave a nervous smile, clasping and unclasping his hands in one another. Alec wanted nothing more than to shield him again. He felt his own heart speed up and thump in his ears as they waited.

“We sentence you to 200 hours of mandatory free labour at the discretion of the head of the New York Institute. If you deem yourself incapable of completing the required hours at this institute for personal reasons, then an alternative institute will be contacted.” Lydia stated, switching her gaze between Alec and Magnus. “In addition to this you will co-operate and assist the Institute, should the Book of the White ever be required for a future inquiry. This however, will be at your own discretion. Should you choose to collaborate with us in this way then we would no longer need to know the current whereabouts of Ragnor Fell. Do you accept this ruling?”

“Yes” Magnus uttered immediately, his eyebrows raised a little in shock.

Alec slowly released the breath he’d been holding. Even he wasn’t sure Lydia would manage to get Magnus off lightly but all things considered the judgement seemed fair. No exile or house arrest. Magnus didn’t need to hide any more. 

Hightower presented both Lydia and the Inquisitor with documentation to sign before all members of the panel moved to exit the room. The inquisitor promptly left, Hightower trailing behind her. She didn’t offer thanks of any kind. Not even a farewell. She brushed past both Alec and Magnus, refusing to make eye contact. The room actually felt a little warmer without her icy presence. Lydia approached Magnus before leaving herself and took out her stele. 

“I don’t suppose you’d be willing to make a start on those hours? In a few days’ time of course.” She started, moving her stele over the cuffs that still bound the warlock’s magic. “Rumours are starting to spread that there was recently an escape from our Institute so we should probably make a show of getting the wards checked.”

The cuffs unlocked and Lydia hurriedly tucked them away. Alec watched as Magnus flexed his fingers, controlling the swirling tendrils that had pushed themselves out when the bindings had been removed. Those cuffs had signalled the start of their relationship. Could anything good ever come from such a dark place? Could that amount of darkness and torment ever be rewritten into something of light?

“I suppose I could give them a look. Besides, if there is to be a change in management we’d want them to be in working order for the new head.” Magnus said lightly, glancing at Alec with a smirk. Alec however couldn’t tear his eyes from the way he rubbed at his newly-freed wrists. It only served to remind him of the numerous times the Institute had sought to stifle his power. He never wanted to see that again.

“I’ll see you in a few days’ time then” Lydia acknowledged before leaving the two men alone amongst the debris of the room.

Before the door had closed behind Lydia, Alec had desperately reached out and pulled Magnus forward into a tight embrace. He needed the contact for himself but also knew that it was the comfort the warlock wouldn’t ask for. Alec’s arms locked around Magnus’ waist and he felt the warlock’s face press exhaustedly into his shoulder. Alec wanted to give him his energy, his strength. He needed a way to express what he knew he shouldn’t say in words. What he had no right to be feeling.

They both held each other, neither moving towards a release. Alec slowly pressed his cheek onto Magnus’ hair. He inhaled softly, hoping that Magnus wouldn’t notice. The very smell of the warlock made his chest yearn for more. He wanted to surround himself with Magnus. It suddenly dawned on him how much he ached to feel his love returned. He pulled the warlock in tighter and could feel the soft thudding of the other’s heartbeat against his own chest. He needed him to feel safe, like nothing would hurt him ever again. 

When Magnus began to slowly pull away Alec struggled to stifle the small groan of protest bubbling in his throat. It had been a long time since someone had held him back like that. In fact, he wasn’t sure that someone had ever given their weight over to him like that and he wanted to beg for it back. He felt starved of that all-encompassing warmth. He knew he didn’t deserve it. He didn’t deserve the contentment in the eyes staring back at him. He needed to keep Magnus safe but his mind was spinning. Alec was as far from safe as they came…his job…his enemies…his burdened life. Why would anyone want that?

Magnus deserved better… but Alec loved him. He wanted him. He wanted so desperately to be wanted in return. He felt the pressure of Magnus’ hand in his own now, gripping tightly. He tried to smile a relived smile. It had been an arduous day and he should be mirroring the obvious peace Magnus felt. Instead his heart felt heavy in his chest, an iron weight where beating life should be. What was that old mundane saying? 

_If you truly love something then you need to set it free._


	23. Light

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi all...
> 
> I can't quite believe we are here! I have been having lots of feelings about writing the last chapter this week. Some of you requested that I make it a meaty one and it definitely is!
> 
> I really am not sure what is next for me...I set out to try and write something that maybe one or two people may enjoy and I am so unbelievably blown away by the response and the interactions I've had with you (both new readers and those who have been here from the start). I haven't physically tried to write 'a story' since I left school and honestly am not sure of my own ability. Despite that you have all motivated and inspired me throughout this. 
> 
> I'm so grateful to everyone that made me feel like a part of this fandom (my first ever one) and I'm going to miss our little musings... when I remember to reply to comments! You've definitely all helped me grow as an author. 
> 
> I hope I don't sound like I'm giving an Oscars speech...
> 
> Here you go. The final chapter. I hope it lives up to your expectation.  
> xxx

Alec had always been an early riser, almost as if the sun hitting a certain point in the sky forced his eyes open. Once his eyes were open his mind would start. After that it would be futile to even try to get back to sleep. Usually he would train, or eat breakfast with his siblings. Today he hadn’t done either. He’d continued to lay in bed, as he’d done for the previous three mornings. 

Everything was finished. Over. The trial had concluded. Lydia had upgraded his security clearance signalling the beginning of his induction period to see if he had what it took to become head of an institute. His mother had even written, offering her congratulations and reaffirming her pride in him. She’d briefly mentioned Sebastian and the fact that he was now in Idris undergoing a trial of his own. To be a member of the Institute that had brought about the capture of this traitor was supposedly a privilege that Alec should be honoured to be a part of. She’d mentioned nothing about Magnus of course, although he knew she was probably fully aware of the role he had in Verlac’s arrest. She was either too stubborn or too ashamed to acknowledge it. 

Alec had decided not to respond to her letter – much as he knew it would hurt them both. He’d spent years trying to live up to her expectations as a son and it was about time that she met his expectations as a mother. 

Jace had tiptoed around him the first day following Magnus’ trial, still allowing the guilt of hiding information from his parabatai to affect his actions. They’d had a much needed talk, with words like _greater good,_ and _for the best_ used far too often. Alec didn’t hold anything against him. Quite the opposite actually. As soon as he’d thanked him for having Magnus’ back in the trial room Jace had descended into his usual smartass self. 

The days that followed ensured that his brother’s teasing didn’t relent. He’d joked that Alec was sulking now that the warlock didn’t need him anymore. Alec knew he hadn’t meant it but Jace’s words clawed at his already bleeding heart. It was when his parabatai’s jibes eventually melted into concern that Alec knew he really _was_ sulking and needed to get a hold on himself. Three days. It had only been three days and he was drowning without Magnus. How was he going to do this? How was he going to be able to let him go when he wanted him this much?

Alec kicked the bedsheets off his body and let the room’s cold air creep over him. The autumnal hues that shone through his window were muted by the tint of the slightly stained glass so that only an icy blue was reflected. He needed to get up and get dressed. He doubted a pair of boxer shorts and an old t-shirt would be considered appropriate attire for a future head of the institute. The chill of the old building’s air had begun to creep into his bones, filling the hollowness he felt inside. It held his body prisoner, restricting his movements. Knowing he probably shouldn’t, Alec continued to lay there staring up at the ceiling and allowed the cold to consume him. 

* * *

A sudden knock at his door pulled him from his brooding and he sat up. Dragging a hand through unruly hair he slowly turned and pushed himself from his bed. The floor was ice beneath his feet. He padded his way over to the door roughly rubbed at his face before pulling it open.

Magnus. Standing in Alec’s doorway, face honest and inviting, was Magnus. He took in the warlock’s hint of a smirk, most likely at the expense of his own half-asleep state. He couldn’t help but notice that even now, in this moment, they were complete opposites. Alec wore dark circles beneath his eyes and his pale skin probably made them even more noticeable. Magnus however was more radiant that Alec had ever seen before. His tight fitting clothing hugged the strength his body had been regaining beautifully. Alec felt unworthy of even looking at him and quickly dropped his eyes to the floor. The warlock had never come to him before. It had always been Alec that had sought him out and he couldn’t help but feel completely caught off guard by it. 

“So…the warlocks are back in line and I’m here to start my hideous community service,” Magnus started, flourishing his hands to show that he was making light of the whole situation and continued to grin. “I thought I would drop by uninvited as you seem so fond of doing so, however I seem to have caught you in a state of undress.”

“I thought you were Jace” Alec replied a little sullenly, looking up at Magnus again.

“Are you disappointed?” Magnus asked, the humour leaving his voice.

“No” Alec offered defensively, pulling at the bottom of his t-shirt suddenly very aware that he had no pants on. 

“Alexander…what’s wrong?” Magnus asked concerned, tilting his head a little to better read Alec’s expression. “Why are you being weird?”

Alec continued to fiddle with the hem of his t-shirt. If he was going to get this over with then now was as good a time as any. Where was the sense in dragging it out? He couldn’t look at the warlock’s face. He wouldn’t allow himself to acknowledge the fact that Magnus was worried about him. If he allowed himself to see that, to see the care he felt reflected back at him then he knew he wouldn’t have the strength to do what he needed to. 

“Magnus…you’re free. Free to do what you want…” he said, trying to sound convincing despite the fact that he was speaking to the warlock’s chest. “Everything is done. I know you’re bound to this Institute for a time but surely you don’t want the burden of being tied to a shadowhunter?”

“Is that what you think? That I used you and now I don’t want you anymore?” Magnus asked and Alec felt compelled to lift his eyes on hearing the hint of frustration in Magnus’ tone.

“No” Alec answered quietly. He felt like a child. He knew Magnus would never have used him but he didn’t want to be a tether for him. The warlock had probably changed his mind by now. Surely no one would choose to be with him? His mother, Jace and Izzy; they all were bound to him in a way. He didn’t want Magnus to feel bound to him. He _wanted_ Magnus to choose to be with him… but that was selfish. Why did he want Magnus to make a decision that would be wrong for him in so many ways? 

Alec knew there was no way to try and explain what was going on inside his head. He eyed the waiting warlock carefully, fretting at the growing irritation he could see on Magnus’ face.

“I just – I know how sometimes feelings can get manipulated by circumstances and I’m trying to say that I’d understand completely if you were…if you got caught up in the moment or…” Alec fumbled, trying to find a way to give Magnus a way out of this mess if he wanted to take it.

The only thing his words seemed to do however was increase the air of frustration between them. Magnus uncrossed his arms and placed a firm hand on Alec’s chest. He pushed him back a little further into his room and closed the bedroom door behind them. It was probably best not to have this conversation in the hallway. Alec jumped a little at the force with which the warlock had shut the door. 

“I’m confused Alec…are you saying that I don’t know my own mind?” Magnus asked, his voice slightly raised.

“ _No!_ ” Alec said a little too quickly, eager for Magnus to know that wasn’t his intention. “No… I just…I’m not…I don’t want to offend you…I’m sorry.”

Magnus seemed to melt a little at that, his voice mellowing back to his usual velvet tone. The warlock’s body deflated and he moved to the foot of Alec’s bed. 

“You fought for me. Do you really think I’m going to do any less for you?” Magnus asked softly and Alec felt each word sting behind his eyes.

He took in the determination in the warlock's eyes. His attempt to assure Magnus that he needn’t feel duty-bound to him hadn’t gone to plan. Alec shoved down the gentle caress of affection that he felt for him because of it. He needed to just be honest and deal with the consequences – whatever they may be. 

Alec sighed stubbornly and gently placed his hands on the warlock’s shoulders, indicating for him to sit at the edge of the unmade bed. Magnus, seeming to notice that the other's mentality had shifted a little, allowed himself to be guided and continued to wait patiently for him to speak. 

“Just – just let me get this out ok?” Alec asked and waited until Magnus nodded, brow permanently furrowed in confusion. “What I’m trying to say is that I don’t want you to feel obliged, or…or in debt to me…for anything. Not that you need to be. But if this is just…just a thank you, or… I don’t know…then please just, tell me now rather than later.”

“Alexander, I thought you wanted this? Where has all of this come from?” Magnus asked looking up, eyes begging for some clarity.

Alec swallowed heavily. His throat felt too dry and his stomach was turning inside out. He _did_ want this, more than anything else he’d ever wanted before. But not if it wasn’t real, and not if it wasn’t in Magnus’ best interests. He knew some part of himself would always love Magnus. He’d always protect him and want what was best for him… but how was he to know if what was best for him was for them to be together?

“Just…let me say this whilst I can, and then we can talk.” Alec said, his eyes pleading with Magnus not to interrupt. “I need to know that you don’t feel obligated to me, because these last few weeks…months…whatever…I’ve never really felt for anyone what I feel for you.”

“Alexander…” Magnus started gently but stopped himself on seeing the defeat quickly taint Alec’s expression. He closed his mouth apologetically and signalled for Alec to continue. 

“Magnus, we started from such a dark place…and everything is _wrong._ I took advantage of you and I kept coming after you” Alec continued, his voice a little shaky at the way in which he was revealing his darkest worries now. The filter between his speech and his mind seemingly disintegrated in this monologue of anxiety. Alec registered that Magnus had begun sadly shaking his head as the words continued to waterfall from his lips. “I was selfish. I know that and now we are where we are and I should be happy but it’s still all wrong. I mean… I feel so intensely around you…and…and we haven’t even _kissed_ or anything but… I think I might, and of course I’m not expecting you to feel the same…but…I think I might…love you…a little bit.”

Alec cringed as the last words left his lips, not even understanding why he’d said that. He’d subconsciously been trying to soften the blow for Magnus. They stared at one another, completely lost for words for a few moments. Alec’s unravelling ability to frantically talk himself in circles had seemingly caught them both off guard. 

“Only a little bit?” Magnus asked, his eyes bright and crinkling at the edges slightly as he teased again.

“A-are you making fun of me?” Alec replied, his voice was low and slightly wounded. Magnus caught his tone and the way in which he avoided his gaze again and it seemed to disarm him completely. 

Before Alec knew what was happening the warlock had lifted himself from the bed, deciding that he’d heard enough and carried himself forward. Alec felt the palms of the warlock’s tender hands caress at the heated skin of his cheeks and he allowed his eyes to glance up in disbelief. Magnus continued to press closer, his body heat mixing with Alec’s. He watched as the warlock’s gentle eyes closed and Alec’s eyebrows lifted in surprise when he felt the warm press of the other’s lips against his own.

Alec knew this wasn’t the way kissing was supposed to be done. You were supposed to close your eyes, maybe lean into it a little more, but he found he didn’t want to shut out the beautiful sight of Magnus’ eyelashes tickling his cheeks. Would Magnus want him to hold him back? He didn’t want to startle the warlock when he wasn’t in familiar surroundings.

When Magnus moved to rest his forehead against Alec’s, his lips still hovering a hair’s breadth away, Alec was worried he’d lost his chance. It was over before he’d even started. Their first kiss and he had stood there cold and still like a statue. 

“Stop thinking” Magnus encouraged gently before lightly returning his lips back to Alec’s, offering him a second chance. 

This time Alec let go. He let go of his invading thoughts and the room fell away around him. He’d never given himself over to a feeling like this before. His heart kept missing beats and his hands hovered shakily grazing Magnus’ body, not quite knowing where to take hold. Maybe this would last a minute…or an hour, he didn’t care. All he could feel was the softness of Magnus against his own body. He may not have realised it to begin with but he knew now. He’d been waiting for Magnus for a long time because in this moment, kissing felt a lot like healing. 

They pulled apart slightly and Alec could do nothing to hide the blissed smile on his face. He watched Magnus grin at him in return. “There, we’ve kissed. I am a little unconventional myself…in case you hadn’t noticed” Magnus laughed slightly whilst gesturing to himself. “I like to do things in the wrong order.

Alec hummed in response, trying to recollect the point he’d been trying to make before they’d kissed. Magnus seemed to read the expression on his face and beat him to it though. 

“Alexander, I wasn’t lying when I said I wanted a chance with you. You see me, the _real_ me, which is why you are maybe feeling this way. I can assure you I was broken a long time before I met you.” He said, allowing his expression to become a little haunted. “I’m ok though” he added quickly. “Yes, I’ve got my …issues…and we can work through those together…but I need you to stop looking at me like I’m your responsibility to fix.”

Alec felt like he was stuck on a never-ending roller-coaster of emotion; emptiness, pain, hope, elation, guilt. It seemed like he couldn’t just experience one of them before moving on to something else. He tried to take in what Magnus was saying to him, really open himself up to how Magnus felt.

“I told you once before that you were forgiven…do you remember?” Magnus continued, holding Alec’s gaze until he begrudgingly nodded. “I meant it. You didn’t take advantage of me just as I didn’t use you. Let me ask you something…do you want to be with me?”

“Yeah” Alec said, his voice heavy with desperate longing.

“And being with me…does that make you happy?”

“Yes” Alec uttered again softly, the hint of a genuine smile pulling at the corner of his lips.

“Then let yourself be happy.” Magnus said convincingly, reaching his hand forward and lacing his fingers into the hand hanging limply at Alec’s side.

“But…I’ve made so many mistakes” Alec practically whispered, allowing his own fingers to grip around the warlock’s in return.

Magnus glanced up at him with a look that bordered pity and defeat. Alec felt him pull his hand forwards a little further into the space between them. The warlock traced Alec’s small childhood scar on his wrist with the fingers of his free hand and released a heavy sigh.

“You were raised a certain way. You acted and obeyed because you knew no different. You didn’t know you had a choice, but you know that now. Your body is ruled by your heart. I know that Alexander – I’ve seen it, and when you become the head of this institute, then the world will be a better place because of it.”

Alec was caught off-guard by the warlock’s assuredness in his ability to make the right choices. Honestly, Alec wondered if it had been that unwavering confidence that had been pushing him all along. He stood slightly astounded, not knowing what to say in reply. His eyes tried to search Magnus’ face for an indication but the warlock had lost himself in the light tickling Alec could still feel on his wrist.

“And I’ll be there, with you,” the warlock continued speaking down to Alec’s wrist. “For as long as you can give me.”

Alec could feel the build-up of emotion in his chest again. He didn’t know how to describe it this time. He felt…overwhelmed. Could they have this? Could he really have this? He wanted it, craved it from the very core of his being and now there seemed to be no more obstacles.

“You’re beautiful.” Alec blurted out, causing the warlock to lift amused gentle eyes to his. He felt his cheeks redden slightly at his lack of tact and inability to filter his thoughts but continued anyway. He had made a promise with himself to say this eventually. “You know that right? Every part of you is beautiful.”

Alec mused that Magnus always seemed to dissolve into the most care-free genuine smiles at the smallest of things. Alec would say something ridiculous or embarrassing that would have him cringing at his very words but it would be worth it though for the reaction the warlock gave him in return. 

“Come on…get yourself dressed. Much as I love this…interesting combination,” Magnus began, waving a hand towards Alec’s current inappropriate attire. “I have wards to check and I could do with someone to keep me entertained.”

Alec looked himself over quickly before breaking into a laugh. He quickly grabbed the pair of grey sweatpants thrown over his chair and tugged them on before moving to his closet. He swapped his t-shirt, throwing his old one onto the floor. He then moved to sit on the edge of his bed whist sliding his feet into his shoes. Magnus had made his way back to the bedroom door but Alec could feel the warlock’s heated gaze on him again. 

“Alexander?” 

Alec hummed, lifting his head from where he’d been tying his laces.

“I’m a little bit in love with you too you know.” Magnus said, his eyes reflecting the emotion behind the words he spoke.

Alec felt crushed, and relieved, and whole all at once. Magnus loved him...and had chosen him. Those simple words had allowed him to break the surface of the fears he'd floundered beneath and breathe again.He couldn’t hold back the unguarded smile from his face or the way in which his eyes glazed over a little. Alec had never wanted the impossible. He’d never wanted the brief explosive blaze of shooting stars and fireworks. He’d wanted a steady hand, and a kind soul. He’d wanted someone to fall asleep with and wake up with knowing that his heart would be safe. He wanted someone to love and to be loved in return. 

“Only a little bit?” Alec teased, trying not to let his unstable emotions hinder his voice too much.

“Maybe a bit more” Magnus replied lightly, offering a shy smile in return. “I’m not going to change my mind...and I'm not going to leave you behind again.”

Alec let himself relax into the warlock’s words. Magnus wanted this. He’d thrown everything he’d had at Magnus and he’d been nothing but reciprocating. Things were good…still moving in the wrong order, but they were good. Unconventional.

“I suggest we start these wards in the training room?” Magnus pulled him from his thoughts and offered out his hand to Alec. “When I walked past earlier Jace was getting his ass kicked by someone I can only assume is your sister.”

Alec pushed himself up from the bed and grasped warlock’s hand in his own. Allowing their fingers to lock together somehow felt like he was securing his own future. He didn’t know where they would go from here but suddenly he wasn’t afraid anymore. He felt light, like the world had fallen into place for a moment around him. 

“No more hiding?” Alec asked, raising his eyebrows in question at the warlock.

“No more hiding.” Magnus repeated confidently and pulled open the bedroom door.

No more darkness tainted Alec’s thoughts. They would be ok, so long as they held on to one another as they did in this moment. Alec felt like his eyes had adjusted and now he was seeing clearly for the first time. He was loved. He would be there for Magnus no matter what else came their way.

Alec allowed Magnus’ hand to lead him through the doorway and into the corridor. They echoed one another’s ease as the warlock snapped his fingers and threw closed the bedroom door, shutting out the cold emptiness that now stood behind them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So that's it...all over.
> 
> Come and find me on tumblr guys - TeachMePatience1
> 
> I'm going to miss you all xx


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